Is this the end of my marriage?

[chatterbug]

Hey P17 I set up a facebook account cutter bug.

Look it up if you want to become friends in the real world. send a PM with your name here and i will seek you out from my real face book account.

If thats too strange. Just ignore.

As for above.

Its always trival stuff..... All part of their withdrawl. Remember what we feel is natural. And remember they are still human. So they are going to go through the same feelings as well. Just that they are clouded by the affair. But the love that was there still needs to go. And it hurts. Ours just bleeds out quicker.

[P17]

Hey P17 I set up a facebook account cutter bug.

Look it up if you want to become friends in the real world. send a PM with your name here and i will seek you out from my real face book account.

PM's don't work on here cutter! I've sent you a friend request though and added a personal message so you know it's from me.

Its always trival stuff..... All part of their withdrawl. Remember what we feel is natural. And remember they are still human. So they are going to go through the same feelings as well. Just that they are clouded by the affair. But the love that was there still needs to go. And it hurts. Ours just bleeds out quicker.

Sometimes it's good to be reminded that they are hurting too as it really doesn't seem like it. But then to them, we look like we're not hurting either.

I wonder though if the love went a long time ago if the WAS detached themselves far back. However I have text messages with 'love you' 'xx' etc. on them from only a month or so before we split. I actually found a text the other day, from January (okay nearly a year ago but ...) that said 'love you more than you will ever know'. That stuff surely can't disappear that quickly. Can it?

[P17]

Update on the shop stuff and funny looks I was getting.

Spoke to D's mums partner (who works in the same shop as W). He has heard nothing and has been trying to find out for me.

Maybe I'm imagining it. Not sure. If it was bad, I'm sure it would be common knowledge and I'd know about it.

What worried me was rumours of what W said to OM before they go together - that I beat her (yes she told OM I hit her ... she has apologised to him apparently and also to me but I still don't understand it .. anyway) - if it's not that that's flying around, I don't care.

That makes me wonder too. If a woman told me her H was beating her and I got together with her (we'll say I will for arguments sake) and she then told me it was a lie (after W's H told me that) then I'd be thinking very seriously about what sort of person she was - but then some people don't care. They want an escape (as he does) from their situation and W offers it on a plate - house, sex, love, affection, money and freedom to do what you want ... what I wouldn't give

Anyway, ramble over.

[chatterbug]

got ya. Request has been sent....

[Day by Day]

[quote=cutterbug]
I wonder though if the love went a long time ago if the WAS detached themselves far back. However I have text messages with 'love you' 'xx' etc. on them from only a month or so before we split. I actually found a text the other day, from January (okay nearly a year ago but ...) that said 'love you more than you will ever know'. That stuff surely can't disappear that quickly. Can it?

I'd like to know the answer to that question too. I just don't understand it.

[chatterbug]

Truefully I believe that the detachment starts when the seperation begins and one has to process the thoughts.

Before hand they get caught up in the excitment of the unspeakable.

They do not get the chance to process the loss of the love. They replace it. Remember not all affairs are due to a long term walk away. Some times they just happen. Its still a death of 1000 cuts but it happens quick. Over a span of 2 to 5 weeks. Which in life is nothing. Think back to when you started to date your wife. Its nothing. We know this.... But they are clouded. Its an intense love, quick, dirty and dangerous. Best not to compete. But it is still love. I know it hurts. I hurt everyday. But it is not a true love. One that grows openly. One that is helped along by friends and family. One that is honest and grows from friendship freely offered without fear of offending anyone. Its open its honest.

WAS has walked away. But they have not had the chance to process these thougths alone like LBS. We were replaced. One day they may wake up and look across the bed and determine that they have the same problems but a diffferent partner. Us LBS. Well were Fuc)(Dd and we decide that we need to get them back. So we decide to embrace our flaws and learn and teach ourselves to be better lovers, partners, friends, listeners, and parents. We heal and move on.

One day WAS come's back. This is the point where we determine what we became in this journey. If indoubt reread the previous paragraph.

I have found this week rather hard. Funny how 2 emails and 1 phone call can do one in. But I am glad that after all this time I still love my wife. And I have patience. Its been 6 months. And she has 4 months left... and sorry P17 for stealing your thread. But hell thats what friends do.

P.S. thats a cute picture of you and your daughter.

One big paragraph.

[newmama]

WSs still love us. Their affair isn't about love after all. It is for escape or ego stroking or it's MLC...

[P17]

Truefully I believe that the detachment starts when the seperation begins and one has to process the thoughts.

Before hand they get caught up in the excitment of the unspeakable.

I'd assume, from reading posts here and using common sense, that even when they still live with us (in my face W lived here for 5 weeks prior to leaving and moving into her new home) they still cannot really start to detach completely as you are still in the same home, using the same toilet and breathing the same air as the LBS.

They do not get the chance to process the loss of the love. They replace it.

In my W's case that is 100% accurate.

Think back to when you started to date your wife. Its nothing. We know this.... But they are clouded. Its an intense love, quick, dirty and dangerous. Best not to compete. But it is still love. I know it hurts. I hurt everyday. But it is not a true love. One that grows openly. One that is helped along by friends and family. One that is honest and grows from friendship freely offered without fear of offending anyone. Its open its honest.

That is the best description I have heard from this. The other I think was elsewhere on this forum - true love is built on shared memories and experiences - affairs are built on lies and deceit.

Us LBS. Well were Fuc)(Dd and we decide that we need to get them back. So we decide to embrace our flaws and learn and teach ourselves to be better lovers, partners, friends, listeners, and parents. We heal and move on.

In a way, long term, we get the better end of the deal. While we heal, change, grow and embrace our flaws and faults, we become better people, lovers and husbands / wives.

I have found this week rather hard. Funny how 2 emails and 1 phone call can do one in. But I am glad that after all this time I still love my wife. And I have patience. Its been 6 months. And she has 4 months left...

You're strong cutter. You're still here through all this sh&t. In your case I suppose you have to deal with the calls and the emails. Me, I just ignore them.

and sorry P17 for stealing your thread. But hell thats what friends do.

No need to apologise. You answered the question that I and Day To Day wanted to know!

P.S. thats a cute picture of you and your daughter.

Thanks. She's a cute little girl.

@newmama

WSs still love us. Their affair isn't about love after all. It is for escape or ego stroking or it's MLC...

No, it's nto about love. Sometimes it develops that way though The odds however are firmly against the WAS and the OP.

[Day by Day]

That was a great explanation cutterbug. Thanks, it was really helpful! I agree, the WAS and OP have such slim chances of success due to their R being based on lies and deceit.

[P17]

Just received a text from W - more breaking the NC. She isn't listening is she?

She wants to know if I received her email from last week and if so, wants to know when I will 'return my Christmas things, thanks.'

No mention of my mum, who she knew was ill and in hospital. No mention of D. No mention of anything, just her Xmas things. Her priorities are clear.

What a warm hearted woman I married.

She goes from text, to email, to phone call, back to text again ... is it an email again next? Carrier pigeon? What?

I have asked this before and I think cutter responded with 'she will never get it', but I feel myself asking the same questions again - why won't she leave me alone (I know the answer but I keep asking myself it - yeah, I want to contact her as I've said in here but I have resisted it) - why won't she follow the NC letter and go through IM - effectively when will she 'get it'.

No intention of responding to her. I am considering changing my mobile #. However has anybody else went completely dark and ignored ALL communication from WAS? I know she is thinking I am being childish but I know I am just protecting myself.

I was thinking this is another way to drag me back in and break NC, but I'm not sure. All she asks about is Xmas things. Maybe she left out the stuff about my mum to annoy me. No idea. Maybe she just doesn't care. No idea.

Plan is to go up the loft this weekend as I am putting the tree up with D. It's a bit early for us but with what is going on I don't think we'll get another chance until almost Xmas. When I am there I will bag up HER things and hand over to IM to sort out. Once that is done there will be no more need for communication as she has everything ... until of course she thnks of something else to contact me about.