Rob, FYI (so you don't pore through the thread) D is the abandoned spouse here. This guy upped and left for a bus. trip to Europe. She was supposed to join him for a vacation.. which didn't happen. This guy has gone happy travels and basically left her behind to tend to the house and paperwork. His communication with her is almost zero. No consideration of her, her needs or feelings while he enjoys himself.
Just so you know...
Hey G, thanks for the recap, I'm just wondering what happened in the marriage/relationship to cause this guy to jump ship so abruptly, seriously it's a $hitty way to treat a spouse, go on a vacation and leave the spouse behind wondering when & if they're ever gonna come back.
Bear in mind that I don't know the entire situation but what prompted him to want to leave you?
I don't know whether in his mind he has left me. last I heard he was talking about a "pause".
Although I don't know for certain, some evidence and my intution suggest that he didn't want me to go to Europe, and he has stayed there so long, because a woman he was previously obsessed with (before we even met), is single again and he wanted to give it another shot, despite previously spending three years in unsuccessful pursuit of her.
Originally Posted By: robx
An affair is usually a symptom of another issue. Did he feel used and unappreciated while you were together?
I don't think so, but I sure did. I have been very affectionate with him.
Originally Posted By: robx
You mentioned in another post that he enjoyed it when people treated him nicely and flattered him and he didn't know they were doing it just to use him.
Could it be he was starved for this type of affection from you for a long time - again I can't mind read, I don't know the entire situation.
Did you ever treat him this way?
When you mentioned that you were hoping for a friendly separation so that he might still offer to pay for your dental bills, it sounded pretty much like what you had typed in that other post about people being nice to him to use him for what he has but in the way that you would be nice to him hoping that he would take care of your bills.
I'm was talking about people who were out to rip him off. I am not some new acquaintance who spots a guy with money and so decides to butter him up.
I am his wife, and he has done me wrong and betrayed me. I have medical needs here, not a desire for a new sports car. I do not have the amount of money I need to meet those pressing medical needs - he does - many times over. I do not consider that 'using him'.
I'm not discounting your feelings dudess, seriously I wouldn't do that to any LBS, it is very hard and being abandoned by someone you loved very much is a horrible feeling.
I'm trying to put the pieces in my head why your husband just left like that.
Was the marriage relationship rocky? Did he feel used & unappreciated so much so that he felt he wanted to leave and pursue someone else - as in "life's too short for this type of marriage, I'm going to go after what I want before it's too late."
I'm trying to put the pieces in my head why your husband just left like that.
Was the marriage relationship rocky? Did he feel used & unappreciated so much so that he felt he wanted to leave and pursue someone else - as in "life's too short for this type of marriage, I'm going to go after what I want before it's too late."
The relationship was rocky, but before he left, he wanted me to come over there earlier and stay longer and seemed to be very excited about it. I've been trying to put the pieces together in my head too. From what i've read about obsessive unrequited "love" it makes sense that he could fall in to that again.
I'm here Dudess, I just can't think of anything helpful to say. I'm not sure what would work best for you in this sitch. For now I'll defer to the others, just offering my support.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm here Dudess, I just can't think of anything helpful to say. I'm not sure what would work best for you in this sitch. For now I'll defer to the others, just offering my support.
Thanks pearl. That means a lot to me.
How was your holiday?
So this evening H writes me and says that he is beginning to wind things up there. He said that a friend in yet another european country has invited him for Christmas. Then he said:
"I don't know how you stand. You haven't said. Back for Christmas important for you? or back for Christmas annoying for you or what? probably i didn't guess the right word, eh?"
I kind of like that he doesn't know where I stand. No, I haven't said, and notice that he isn't saying where he stands either.
In truth, the only reason it would matter to me to have him in town for Christmas is that if he is here, I wouldn't have to line up a dog sitter to go out of town. (Actually that would be very important to the dogs because they hate being alone.)
robx earlier asked me if any of this was about DBing. I have been thinking about that. For the past 4 months H has been living the high life in situations where he gets a lot of professional recognition, seeing old friends, living in the guest quarters of billionares, and being near 'Her'. I wanted time alone to transition, but I also figured that when he is back in "real life", where he has several boxes of unopened mail, where he has to grocery shop, clean, walk the dog, and does not have the aforementioned perks, that my absence will pack a much greater punch than it would have if I had announced it before.
I have thought that I would like to tell him I am moving when he is on his way back, like out of the city where 'she' is, having said his goodbyes. Oh yeah, I also calculated that him having more time there would give an opportunity for her to shoot him down again or an actual relationship to happen, which would effectively end his fantasies I think.
So I guess the immediate question is how to respond to his email.
You REALLY DON'T want to know how I would respond...
LOL. I hear ya G. My honest response would be something like this:
"Get over yourself dude! It is comical that you think there is a possibilty it might be important to me that you be home for Christmas. It is definitely NOT important to me, (except to the extent it would save me the trouble of finding a pet sitter). Your actions over the past several months have shown me that you are a selfish, weak, ridiculous little man and your presence or absence in my life is of no consequence.
Thank you for staying away so long. It has given me the chance to do some substantial healing from the hurt you have given me in this marriage and to detach from you emotionally. I can do better. You do not deserve to have a woman like me in your life. I care about you as a person and I feel certain obligations towards you because you are technically still my husband, but I am definitely over you.
Hopefully, you only have to come back to the states for a short time before you can make arrangements to return to Europe permanently because frankly, I'd rather not ever run in to you. Please, have at it with your dream girl. If you spend years more of your life obsessing over someone who doesn't want you - great. If you actually get in a relationship with her until you discover that this one isn't perfect either and also complains about the sh*tty things you do - great. It doesn't matter much to me what you do. I'm moving on to a better life without you."
Now that I have that rant out of my system I really would appreciate input about how to respond to my H's email about "where I stand" re: him back for Christmas.
I really would appreciate input about how to respond to my H's email about "where I stand" re: him back for Christmas.