Just remembering more of our conversaton. H started out talking about things he's figured out over the last year and I really thought it sounded like him coming out of the tunnel-kind-of-stuff. He realized that I was the only woman who was his wife, the mother of his children-the only person he'd known his whole adult life.
He'd felt like he'd gone off in a zillon different directions all year, always ending up back at the same place(married to me). But that he needed to go in a new direction and figure out who he was, what he likes. He felt his life was pretty empty and he needed to figure it out.
He as know idea ow he's going to live on is own, where he is going to live..but he wanted to make sure the girls and I were taken care of.
He apologized to me if he'd blamed me for making more money than him..H said life is too short for blame. No good looking in he past. He needed to face his fear of living alone and being self-supported. He needed to grow up and be a man. He wants to be more active. He didn't like our marriage(neither did I).
I told him I thoght letting him move back in May was a mistake on my part. I felt like it was too soon and we fell back into dysfunctional patterns and didn't really create a new relationship as I'd hoped. H thought that might have been true.
H isn't coming home for lunch. I think tonight will be awkward.
I've made an appointment for a telephne DB counselling session tomorrow, but I'm not sure what to ask help with..I'm unclear as to how to keep my head in DBing...too much emotion.
I think trying to be H's friend is key, but right now I feel very hurt and rejected-its hard to feel friendly and supportive.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
K- I am sooo very sorry!! I can tell you that when my XH moved out the second time he was very, very adament that it was over and he was never coming back. He really never waived (I think he did at Christmas last year a little), but he had OW and that was why, big difference from your situation!! I also let him come back way, way to early, but I was scared to death he would go back to OW, he did anyway and I think if I had waited he might not have done that. There is no chrystal ball to tell you anything, my XH told me "well, if the divorce doesn't work out we can always get remarried", not if OW is around!! LOL!!
Hang in there, I know how much pain you are in, it is awful! I am so sorry this is happening, because regardless of MLC, it hurts to be abandoned and rejected. You don't know if either of those are permanent or not, so keep the faith, never give up hope till you are completely ready to do so, and that is in your own time, no one elses!! My dad sat in my office today and wanted to bad mouth my XH cause of horrible things he keeps doing, but I just told him "Dad, there is nothing to say anymore about it, what has happened is in the past and out of our control, he is making his choices and I just need to figure out a way to deal with him for my kids" My Dad said that my XH is miserable and he will get his when the time is right, that Karma is a bitch. My XH is missing his kids lives, at some point he will realize this and if I am "still at the line" then who knows.
My prayers are with you!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I'm so sorry this has happened. I know things look bleak, but please don't give up hope.
Let me tell you a little story. To make things easy the main character will be called D.
One day D's wife,G, told him that she didn't love him anymore and left. G told D that she needed to be on her own because she's never done things for herself. For months G didn't want to have anything to do with D. In fact one would say that she hated D. She even had divorce papers done. Then one day she started talking to him again and eventually tells him that he's her best friend. Now things aren't all rosy between D and G. She has recently told him that she's never coming back and that she was pretending for the 13 years she was married to him. That doesn't bother D because he knows she's not well, but one day she will be feeling better. He has hope because things looked really bad, but changed dramatically within a couple months. D never stopped being G's friend even when she hated him.
Anything in that story sound familiar to you?
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things will get better. I know they will be better because of how strong you are.
By the way, it's been 26 weeks since she's had the papers done and I have yet to be served.
I know with time comes perspective. Just haven't had enough time yet.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
KJ I'm so sorry. You are going to need a bit of time - and it's OK to take the next couple of days to grieve. Just make sure you also take some time to honour yourself. Go to a movie, read a non-R book, do yoga, meditate. Do whatever it takes to LOOK AFTER YOU.
I know it feels like the end right now - but every decision, every announcement is yet one more event in this journey - no one decision or discussion makes much difference to the final outcome in my experience ... some are just harder to bounce back from than others.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I read yesterday what had happened and couldn't find the right words to post. I have been at this longer than you and maybe that's why I am in a better place.
Your H sounded so much like mine did the past year.. cycling he even referred to it as that as well.
I can say that my kids C told me, as long as I am ok... the kids will be ok. It's hard but I have realized that my grieving is more over the idea of marriage, family and future and not over my H. I think I did that the 1st bomb and over the last year since things have been going downhill with spurts of good in between.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. My H says the same as yours but it doens't matter what they say because it makes no sense anymore and I am not riding the crazy train anymnore.
There is normalcy in my life that hasnt' been there in a long time and it feels so good to just be normal. I still miss having a husband, companion, but not my H. I hope that makes sense. I didn't have that with H either. It wasn't healthy anymnore and hasn't been for a long time.
I am now at peace that I have tried everything (even Db'd successfully the majority of the time) I read, got counseling, marriage counseling. It's not my choice of cards but I am going to deal with the hand I got dealt. For me.
Again, I am sorry.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
So I just had a telephone DB coaching session and got lots of good strategies/advice so my hope is filled up a bit. I know it won't be easy and it may not work but I'm going to keep trying to bust this divorce.
I appreciate everyone's words of support and encouragement! Its a scary time-feels like we could teeter either way...
H is still home and last night he was talking to me before he had the 'dreaded' conversation with our girls. He wondered if he should move out this weekend and I said it was up to him, that I'm OK with him staying...I'm thinking he'll move most of his stuff with weekend though.
One thing I had suggested to H since he won't have his own place and will be renting a room from his cousin..was that I could leave the house a few times a week so H could come over and hang with the girls or cook them dinner. My DB coach said NOT to do this as it displaces me from the home and tends to prolong the process. So that was definitely good info..
He told the girls and D14 broke down completely then became closed off-I worry about her the most. She told her dad that she thought this would happen and wondered when he would realize it- H said he hoped he'd remember that but never thought he'd forget it...I think he saw it as a sign that we shouldn't be together.
D12 was a bit more mentally prepared as she had guessed what was going on b/c her mom's eyes were so puffy. She still broke down a bit though. H held it together but cried some. He was worried D14 would sneak out (again)in order to cope with this news. We slept with our bedroom door open in order to be more aware if she did. Nothing bad happened.
H was more withdrawn this morning but wanted to help shuttle the girls to school. I didn't see him at lunch b/c of my DB coaching session. Will see how tonight goes.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Update: last night was OK. H said he thought after my telephone counseling session he'd come home and all of his stuff would be in the garage waiting for him!
I had to kind of laugh and say that's not what DB is about... We took turns shuttling kids about. I mentionned trying to find a way to save money on the cable/phone bill and said "my" bill, not "our" and H got upset...he waffled between getting angry about what he assumed were my assumptions (that I would stay in the townhome) and how he had a 50% equity in the townhome..to "I promise we will not fight over things"...We did get into a bit of an R talk that turned south a bit.
Later though we were in bed and joking about how cold it was and how H is always warm and I'm not... H said 'how come we have times when we really get along great?" -we were bantering like our old selves and ended up ML at H's initiation.
Things were fine this morning as H got up early and had some breakfast with the girls before school so I didn't see him much before I was out the door.
Still on the rollercoaster ride but I suspect he's still going to move out and want a D so I'm prepared for that even though I try to avoid thinking about it.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
As tough as it will be for your H to move out (if he does), what is your plan for visitation? I used to work on the day H comes to visit D's (yes, he comes here to do that), then I would just be out some, now, mostly I'm home. I let them take care of dinner and sometimes they go out for a bit. My D's have only stayed with him 2 x's each since he left.
A distinction I have become really comfortable with is that it's "our" house, but "my" home. I don't leave or put myself out b/c he comes here to visit.
No matter how prepared they are, it's still tough on the kids. My D17 has never really said anything about it. When we told them her words were that she wasn't worried b/c "I know you guys". It's that she's kept closed off that continues to worry me. 2 of her closest friends have told me (no, I didn't ask) that she has never spoken to them about it. I have learned to watch and listen with more than my ears.
If he is set on leaving, I don't know that I would let him know about future DB sessions. As an aside, my H and I use my DB coach (he doesn't know about DB that I'm aware of) to help us communicate about the kids and parent better. B/c of where he lives it's easier to schedule a conference call to do this. So far, it's worked pretty well. I'd be happy to provide more details if you contact me on the alt.
That he still waffles, well, just get some syrup out
