My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

with all due respect, OT, how much do you know about my sitch?

I would never claim this has been more painful for me than for anyone else. it's excruciating for everyone; I probably have less of a support system than the average poster, but grief is grief and there's no comparing one betrayed LBS's pain to another's.

having said that, tho--I had two very painful betrayals going on simultaneously. as I mentioned, I lost my job just a couple of days before xh dropped the bomb. I was doing full-time ministry, but church politics are just as ugly as any other workplace politics, and I was sabotaged and rumor'd out of my position rather suddenly. Lest you tell me I'm in victim mode again, all I can say is that I refused to compromise my principles and thought my co-workers held to the same standards,but I was wrong and it cost me my position and my ability to be comfortable in that community. I didn't realize we were running a business disguised as a Catholic parish; I was naive. Should'a played hardball if I wanted to stay, but I didn't. So I was looking for a job while dealing with being left, as well as dealing with friends being fed lies and thinking awful things about me. I was grieving losing my husband and family, my friends, my community, my role as a wife and as a pastoral minister. I was in many ways stripped down to the bare essentials, and am trying really hard to put myself back together in a way that makes more sense.

xh was very atypical--he never glanced back once he left. there was no db'ing, except for my own benefit. I simply didn't exist for him any more. I found out in the first week that this was not xh's first affair--he claimed there were several over the years. Silly me--he traveled for work, and I assumed he was the same man I married and valued fidelity, but many of those weren't business trips as it turns out.

After 12 years of marriage and ministry, xh decided to change denominations so that he could be ordained. I supported that for him, altho he couldn't leave the Catholic church without continuing to bash everything it--and I--did. He was in the process of discernment for priesthood in the Episcopal church when he left (and continues moving toward priesthood, with full support of his pastor and ordination committee). A couple of months before the bomb, he changed hospital systems, having been recruited to one of the larger chaplaincy education programs in the country. We were comfortable financially for the first time; I had been the breadwinner--often the sole breadwinner--for the first half of our marriage. What I didn't realize is that he encountered an old girlfriend, who was a NICU nurse at one of his hospitals. He got himself assigned to that unit, became a fixture there, and in May came in on midnight shift to bless nurses' hands (a Nurses' Week tradition) and something shifted. A week or so later, she approached him, knowing he was married and had a child, and told him she was very interested in renewing their prior relationship but "didn't do affairs." Two days later he dropped the bomb and our marriage was over. He didn't admit to an affair--because, as he saw it, it wasn't because he left before they f*cked. In that first week I was convinced he had lost it, contacted a friend, his brother, and his pastor to talk with him and had no doubt that they would. However, they all declined--and I was stunned. He eventually talked with them all, and I have no idea what he said but it certainly wasn't that he ended our marriage to be with one of his nurses.

I didn't talk with any of his other family at the time, because it's an enmeshed Italian group with significant dysfunction--and when the brother I approached did a 180 within days, I didn't see much point in trying to talk to the others. As I said, I sent a sympathy note when my SIL's father died (xh did the fineral, btw)--no response. Also sent an email promising my prayers when BIL started treatment for chemo--got a terse "thanks." And I got an email from another SIL on my birthday--just a 2-liner, saying she hadn't wanted to contact me because she didn't want to take sides, but Happy Birthday. I just replied a brief "thanks, I miss you guys." period. I haven't actually spoken with or seen any of them. Sent Christmas cards, didn't receive any. Actually, to them, I probably have turned into a Martian; I have no idea what he's told them about why the marriage ended, for all I know he said it was what I wanted. Opening up space for relationship? Unlikely--If I got no Christmas cards, one-word replies to any other reaching out, that space just doesn't exist--they have to open a bit of space themselves. Aside from missing my nieces and nephews terribly, I've decided--as you suggest--that it's best to move away from trying to remain "family." Those relationships are dead, and yes--I do grieve them.

I was doing relatively well, actually--aside from loneliness--until xh began escalating his pressure on D13 to spend time and form relationships with the A partner and her family. She feels very uncomfortable--and yes, she figured out there was an affair probably before I did. She's upset that he seems to prioritize his relationships with them over her (and yes, her reasons for thinking so are valid, don't want to take up still more space here), feels left out, feels like she's a built-in babysitter and housecleaner for the woman. And she literally had anxiety attacks because she didn't want to spend time with xh and--what shall I call her? the woman-he-loves or something?--on Thanksgiving, especially didn't want to go to her family's home because there's a lot of tension between the mama and xh. It was very hard to watch her go through this, agonizing about what she could do to protect her boundaries, have panic attacks. It also triggered my grief to know that the woman-he-loves would be at the family table at Thanksgiving, spending time with the folks I called family for almost 20 years.

Yes, I will freely admit to pain, anger, bitterness--these are all part of grief. It isn't a pretty process. Nor is it a linear one. Just when we think we've gotten close to "acceptance" there's a trigger or two, and we move into one of those more inconvenient stages. Nor is it a good thing to stuff those feelings and tell myself I shouldn't be feeling them. I don't deny that, especially last week, I was deep into pain and anger and loss. I tell you what, tho--I wallowed while I was alone. When my daughter came back home and it was time to be mamabear again, that's just what I did. She debriefed about the holiday, we talked, I validated her feelings, did all that stuff.

No, I don't expect those who read my posts to deny my ugly feelings. I didn't ask for cheerleaders. I would hope, tho, that when someone swings as heavy a 2 x 4 as you have, that you would do so from a place of knowing my situation from the beginning, not just what you may have read last week. I don't ask for validation of my victimhood--but perhaps how others who have been mired in the pain climbed out. Especially I am interested in hearing how to help my daughter through this; I do not think it is emotionally healthy for her to have this relationship forced upon her when she knows the background, I don't think she should be forced to accept the woman her father left his family for and be her friend. Yes, chances are good and they'll marry. And she will have to deal with her. But she's being forced towards more intimacy with someone she sees as having contributed to devastating her world--and at 13, that's a very unhealthy expectation of her. That is my primary concern.

these things are hurting you more than you need to hurt.

please tell me--how much do I need to hurt? yes, the pain bled all over Thanksgiving--but I grieved it, then I pulled myself together for my daughter. What else would you have suggested I do with Thanksgiving?

I do appreciate your thoughtful responses, and I apologize for being defensive.