38 years & I need physical connection with my wife

[Young at Heart]

You read the SSM book, right? This was VERY important for my marriage. My wife, like a lot of women, thought that she should first be overwhelmed with desire, and THEN get stimulated. I didn't understand that at all. I loved the idea of being stimulated and brought to a state of arousal at a time when I hadn't been thinking of sex. But to her, that was pointless and weird. Several times she literally stopped me from touching her because "If you do that, you're going to make me want to have sex, and I don't feel like doing that tonight." I found that utterly baffling, of course, but it made some kind of sense to her.

I have read the book and so many others in the past month that my head is swiming with ideas and thoughts. The reading has helped a lot.

Your example above, however, has put what I knew and read into a whole new context. The idea of stopping something that feels good because it will make her want to have sex, but she might not want that outcome, is baffling to me, but probably logical to a woman. Thank you for this insight.

Re: denial of touching; Did she say that? I mean, is that her phrasing, that physical touch is something she gives you, and she's withholding it from you?
I ask because that's the way the HD partner usually perceives the issue, but the LD person usually doesn't see it that way.)

You are correct, she didn't use those words. They were my feelings and she probably doesn't see it that way. Although, she is very aware that her not touching me is a big deal to me. I understand that she is not trying to punish me or actively hurt me. It is just maddening that she says she likes to be touched so much (back rubs, foot rubs, hugs, etc.) but she doesn't seem to every touch me. This could be part of the "Good Girls Don't" conditioning she grew up with. If so, it is something we will both need to work on dealing with.

You seem to be familiar with No More Mr. Nice Guy, so I'm sure you've at least read about the pitfalls of having a marriage where the wife feels like she has to lead all the time and make every decision--as if she's caring for her husband like one of the children. You and I might look at it as being "kind" or "sensitive," but women have their own set of rules..

Actually your reference to that book in an earlier post is the first I had heard of it. I ordered the book (and some others today). Your comments about "manning up" and "leading" are interesting. I took the time to read the entire 13 or so pages of comments in the link you provided and that has given me some real hope. Again the comments about "Good Girls Don't" was eye opening and being more of an Alpha-male focused on doing what I want to do were surprising. I may have become a weak doormat in her eyes trying to be a "nice guy."

Recently I have started to do things for myself and now I am understanding that it may also make me more desirable to my wife as well. That is a nice bonus for putting myself first. Always in the past I had tried to put her first.

The "Nice Guy thing" may have been one of my contributions to our marriage problem. When we first started dating, I was probably a "dangerous bad boy" in her eyes: rough job to help support myself through college and a motorcycle. When we were first married, I took karate and played sports. Before we had kids I did scuba diving, climbed mountains and made her go backpacking in wilderness areas.

I think that I will accelerate my focus on putting my interest first for the remaining month of my sexual sabbatical. I have a male friend who I should go snow skiing with and some hobbies that I have neglected for many years, although my knees will prevent me from doing some things.

Thank you again for the insights. I have more things to study and try and more importantly I also now have more hope.