"As for trying to reach a mind-blowing orgasm -- I'm not trying. I'm succeeding quite nicely on that front with no effort at all. Which has also been a problem perhaps, in contrast to my wife, who's never had an orgasm. The contrast couldn't be greater, and made for such a lopsided and asymmetric sexual relationship even when it was "working"."
I know this seems important to you, so I'll address it...
The fact is, your wife never having had an orgasm is not actually a roadblock for you OR for her. Nor does it mean that you are having better sex than anyone else just because you are having mind-blowing O's and they are not. The O's are not the goal, even though it does seem that way to you right now.
Here is the main roadblock to your wife's sexual life: YOU.
You are her husband and you haven't yet told her in a direct way that you will no longer accept the way things are. She is relying on you to stay complacent, and THAT is the roadblock to her sexual life. She is comfy with the way things are (even though in reality, she isn't, but she is pretending just as you are). She is counting on the fact that she has backed you off from her and you no longer expect her to change. Voila! The perfect conditions for her to never change, and YOU are 50% responsible for this.
Yes, we all hear you, she doesn't want to explore, she doesn't want to be touched, she doesn't want to do the experimental types of playing that will help her find out how to have an O. We get it. Many people here have gone through similar. It doesn't mean anything though! I know you think that your experience is your reality and there is no other way to think about it...but there IS another way.
Did you read my post to you where I suggested what you could say to your wife to let her know you will no longer accept the way things are? You didn't respond to it, but I would like to know what you thought.
You will likely just figure "what's the point", but by reacting that way you will absolutely condemn your sex life to exactly what it is right now, and even worse because the future is going to get worse and worse for you (and her), not better.
The only way for you to possibly change around your situation is for YOU to stand up and make a concrete decision that you will not accept things the way they are anymore.
She will likely squirm, cry, maybe yell, maybe withdraw from you, argue your point, ask why its so important and on and on and on....
So what? This is what everyone will ultimately have to face with their LD spouse. You must keep remembering that she did not create this mess herself, as much as you would seem to like to blame it all on her. Who cares if she spouts off and cries and runs away? Will that actually physically hurt you? No way. What it will do is open the door to further talks, where you can continue to insist that you will not live like this forever.
When I was married before, I had the same type of list you had. In my mind, my marriage was sexless because he didn't do x, y, and z, and because he wasn't good at a, b, and c....and for my part, all I accepted in the blame was that I had some childhood sex abuse issues. So it was all his fault, my childhood's fault, and none my fault.
Guess what I found out when I finally divorced and sorted through all the research? IT WAS MY FAULT.
How?
Because I never stood up for what I wanted and needed in a clear and direct way that my husband understood I really meant. I was too afraid to "hurt him" by telling him the truth. I was afraid he would feel bad about himself. I was afraid he would not be able to ever do the things I'd like him to do, nor be good at them (and I don't mean sex acts entirely, but some of that too, yes). I thought that even if I demanded what I wanted, he wouldn't be able to deliver.
What I realize now is that I never gave him that chance, but that if I would have, he would have surprised me.
The reason he never stepped up to surprise me is MY OWN DAMN FAULT for not making it clear to him.
Don't get me wrong, there were many many talks where I believed I was telling him what I needed. There were tears and fights and on and on over the years. I'm sure you believe you have already said everything that needs to be said, too.
But you haven't, because so far you haven't said "I will NOT accept this any more and I WILL have the sex life I want to have". I never said that either, not like that. And now in retrospect, I know that even if it had hurt him initially, it would have been the kindest conversation I could have ever had with him. Because without that full on direct approach and fully knowing what was at stake, he could have never found within himself the tools needed to meet me halfway.
So...I blew it, we are divorced, and I know now I can no longer believe the old fairy tales I told myself about how our ssm was all his fault anymore. It was a lie I told myself because I did not have the courage to be directly honest.
