Is it time to go gucci?

[pearlharbr]

It is easier to just stay put, not to mention less expensive! Will H give you notice before he comes back? Or could he just walk through the door one day? Do you want to be gone before he gets back or willing to take that chance?

I'm glad to hear about your friend moving back. She sounds like lots of fun and just what you need now.

Have you started making plans for the holidays?

[Dudess]

Will H give you notice before he comes back? Or could he just walk through the door one day? Do you want to be gone before he gets back or willing to take that chance?

Have you started making plans for the holidays?

I think he will give me notice before he returns. How much notice, I don't know. I want to be gone when he gets back. I can't imagine being in the same house with him right now. I'm not too keen on even having him on the same continent.

His return date could have some bearing on my holiday plans as well. I want to visit some of my family. They don't live close, but are within a long day's drive.

I think his return may be fast approaching, possibly within the week, probably not later than right after Christmas. I'm feeling nervous.

So, the question is . . . . when and how to tell him that I am moving out? I don't know if he will be happy or what. Although the dramatic impact of not telling him and letting him find out when he comes in the house has a certain appeal, I don't think that is a good idea. Now more than ever, I really want a 'friendly' separation/divorce, especially because I really need his financial help right now.

He had offered to help me with my dental bills previously, I didn't know exactly how much that would cost though. I found out it adds up to the equivilent of the sticker price of a new economy car. I don't have that much cash and would be hard pressed to come up with that amount in the near future. He, on the other hand, can well afford it. Am I just dreaming that he might still want to help?

I would appreciate input about when and how to talk with him about this. Because I read Gnosis's excellent post, I know NOT to say "We need to talk."

[Gnosis]

Sorry for the delay in answering D.

His return date could have some bearing on my holiday plans as well. I want to visit some of my family. They don't live close, but are within a long day's drive.

This is about you. He has moved on doing his thing without any consideration for you. If you want to visit your family then do it. It's perfectly reasonable.

I don't know if he will be happy or what.

How he will feel is not your concern.

Although the dramatic impact of not telling him and letting him find out when he comes in the house has a certain appeal, I don't think that is a good idea.

You know this man better than anyone here. Only you can judge which approach will yield the better results.

Now more than ever, I really want a 'friendly' separation/divorce, especially because I really need his financial help right now.

I hear you. I also hear the fear in you. And they are valid fears. This has been your fear all along... the money.

He had offered to help me with my dental bills previously,

And your fear is justified... but read on...

Am I just dreaming that he might still want to help?

This is a strong possibility if he feels guilty for what he has done to you.

I would appreciate input about when and how to talk with him about this.

First step is to find out what you are entitled to legally. Go see a D lawyer and let him tell you. If you haven't signed a pre-nup then usually this is a 50/50 split of assets and debts.

I want to be gone when he gets back.

I hear you, but this may be a mistake. Keep your apartment. This is about you now. What you want and you need. And the first thing you need is to know your rights.

So, the question is . . . . when and how to tell him that I am moving out?

I'll refrain from answering this now until you can get back to us about what the law says you are entitled to.

[Dudess]

Thanks for stopping by gnosis. This is a tough call for me.

I don't know if he will be happy or what. [about me moving out]

How he will feel is not your concern.

It isn't my concern in terms of taking care of his feelings, but it could have some bearing on my strategy.

Although the dramatic impact of not telling him and letting him find out when he comes in the house has a certain appeal, I don't think that is a good idea.

You know this man better than anyone here. Only you can judge which approach will yield the better results.

From what I've seen, he is a sucker for someone who acts friendly towards him, smiles, and flatters him while they screw him over. It seems hard for him to grasp that someone who is being so 'nice' might have another agenda. I don't know if the same might be true in a separation/divorce situation, So given that . . . how would I frame my moving out?

Am I just dreaming that he might still want to help?

This is a strong possibility if he feels guilty for what he has done to you.

I'm cool with that. Or if he were to decide he wants me back, he may also want to help.

First step is to find out what you are entitled to legally. Go see a D lawyer and let him tell you. If you haven't signed a pre-nup then usually this is a 50/50 split of assets and debts.

I've already checked. Most of his assets he inherited before we married so I am not entitled to any of that. Most of the rest would be at the discretion of the judge and/or I would have to prove. I could potentially get 1/2 of the appreciation on the house (which is approximately the amount I need for dental). I may be awarded some temporary living expenses, possibly all or some of my dental expense, and maybe some of my attorneys fees. Bottom line - I am not in a strong position legally despite his considerable assets. What I could get would cost me money in attorney fees to get with no guarantees of winning. Also, it would take months and months. I need a lot of money for dental pretty quickly.

I want to be gone when he gets back.

I hear you, but this may be a mistake. Keep your apartment. This is about you now. What you want and you need.

Just to clarify, I currently live in the marital home which he owns and I have rented an apartment but I don't live there yet. I want to be moved out of the marital home and into my apartment when he returns. I am still hoping he might suggest that I should move out so I could agree on the condition that he pays my rent for 6 months, or something like that.

[robx]

Just to clarify, I currently live in the marital home which he owns and I have rented an apartment but I don't live there yet. I want to be moved out of the marital home and into my apartment when he returns. I am still hoping he might suggest that I should move out so I could agree on the condition that he pays my rent for 6 months, or something like that.

Why?

You rented an apartment and you're expecting him to pay for it - what would be his motivation to pay your rent?

This plan seems to be a bit shaky and the logic behind it is lost on me.

What part of this is DB oriented?
Are you still trying to bust this divorce?

[robx]

Now more than ever, I really want a 'friendly' separation/divorce, especially because I really need his financial help right now.

He had offered to help me with my dental bills previously, I didn't know exactly how much that would cost though. I found out it adds up to the equivilent of the sticker price of a new economy car. I don't have that much cash and would be hard pressed to come up with that amount in the near future. He, on the other hand, can well afford it. Am I just dreaming that he might still want to help?

I would appreciate input about when and how to talk with him about this. Because I read Gnosis's excellent post, I know NOT to say "We need to talk."

Bear in mind that I don't know the entire situation but what prompted him to want to leave you? An affair is usually a symptom of another issue. Did he feel used and unappreciated while you were together?

You mentioned in another post that he enjoyed it when people treated him nicely and flattered him and he didn't know they were doing it just to use him.

Could it be he was starved for this type of affection from you for a long time - again I can't mind read, I don't know the entire situation.

Did you ever treat him this way?

When you mentioned that you were hoping for a friendly separation so that he might still offer to pay for your dental bills, it sounded pretty much like what you had typed in that other post about people being nice to him to use him for what he has but in the way that you would be nice to him hoping that he would take care of your bills.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, if so please feel free to correct me.

[Dudess]

Just to clarify, I currently live in the marital home which he owns and I have rented an apartment but I don't live there yet. I want to be moved out of the marital home and into my apartment when he returns. I am still hoping he might suggest that I should move out so I could agree on the condition that he pays my rent for 6 months, or something like that.

Why?

You rented an apartment and you're expecting him to pay for it - what would be his motivation to pay your rent?

This plan seems to be a bit shaky and the logic behind it is lost on me.

What part of this is DB oriented?
Are you still trying to bust this divorce?

I rented the apartment because he originally was going to return late sept. I still live in the marital home to take care of my step-dogs.

Under the law in my state, a spouse who is the sole owner of the marital home can't kick the other one out without a court order. When it happens that way, it is fairly common for the spouse who owns the home to pay rent for the one who leaves during the pendency of the divorce. So it would be reasonable for him to say, I think it is best we don't live together so if you will move, without forcing me to go to court to make it happen, I will pay your rent for X number of months.

I am trying to ensure that I have what I need financially first and foremost. When he returns, I guess I will see if there is any possibility that the marriage could be saved.

[robx]

separation is like cancer to a marriage,
make sure that you take that into account before you make the final decision to move out.

[Gnosis]

Rob, FYI (so you don't pore through the thread) D is the abandoned spouse here. This guy upped and left for a bus. trip to Europe. She was supposed to join him for a vacation.. which didn't happen. This guy has gone happy travels and basically left her behind to tend to the house and paperwork. His communication with her is almost zero. No consideration of her, her needs or feelings while he enjoys himself.

Just so you know...

[Dudess]

Bear in mind that I don't know the entire situation but what prompted him to want to leave you?

I don't know whether in his mind he has left me. last I heard he was talking about a "pause".

Although I don't know for certain, some evidence and my intution suggest that he didn't want me to go to Europe, and he has stayed there so long, because a woman he was previously obsessed with (before we even met), is single again and he wanted to give it another shot, despite previously spending three years in unsuccessful pursuit of her.

An affair is usually a symptom of another issue. Did he feel used and unappreciated while you were together?

I don't think so, but I sure did. I have been very affectionate with him.

You mentioned in another post that he enjoyed it when people treated him nicely and flattered him and he didn't know they were doing it just to use him.

Could it be he was starved for this type of affection from you for a long time - again I can't mind read, I don't know the entire situation.

Did you ever treat him this way?

When you mentioned that you were hoping for a friendly separation so that he might still offer to pay for your dental bills, it sounded pretty much like what you had typed in that other post about people being nice to him to use him for what he has but in the way that you would be nice to him hoping that he would take care of your bills.

I'm was talking about people who were out to rip him off. I am not some new acquaintance who spots a guy with money and so decides to butter him up.

I am his wife, and he has done me wrong and betrayed me. I have medical needs here, not a desire for a new sports car. I do not have the amount of money I need to meet those pressing medical needs - he does - many times over. I do not consider that 'using him'.