WAW and 4 kids

[luvless]

I can't hear you enough on this one!

[tryingtilDorR]

More reflection on my situation from the past year. One issue in our R over the years is that she comes from a very warm and affectionate family and I do not. There were never open displays of affection in my family growing up. My mother only started to want hugs, etc. once I moved away to college. My Mother went through early menopause (started when I was 12), had a bunch of emotional issues, and my father is very withdrawn and quiet. This made me uncomfortable showing affection openly in front of others I think.

My W on the other hand was this warm, loving person who came from a family that would always hug/kiss each other and it was very different from the environment I grew up in.

As a result, I was always 'pursued' by my W and other women I was with. I was never comfortable as the pursuer. My W would always be the one reaching out to me for affection. She can be very angry at times as well, and the flip side was that I was always the one to reach out to her to make up after fights, etc..

However, the person she fell in love with was a confident, kind of hard-to-get guy whom she pursued. Over the years I have always been very successful in my career and we have lived very comfortably compared to other people our age and I was always confident in my abilities professionally, etc. I think she respected that a lot even though she never said anything.

I have been reflecting on this point in relation to the dynamics between us over the past year. A year ago I lost my job - I had never encountered this kind of trouble in my career before. It was abotu the time she started the EA. Also, she had been unhappy and we had been having some major disagreements about her trainer and his control over both her life and S18's.

This is when the wheels fell off. I took a lower-paying job that was not too demanding and allowed me to work at home and regroup to work on M and myself. I became the pursuer, telling her I would do anything to save the M, etc. etc.

I compare this to the person I was in the past, and there is no comparison. Gone was the confident, hard-to-get guy that she had loved. Add in some stress from raising 4 kids, a demanding/stressful career and disagreements over some of her activities and differing opinons on some things related to our son and her trainer, add in a predator OM lurking and you have a huge mess!

I now remember who I used to be. I am kind of ashamed of how I have acted over the past year as far as the R/M but I went through a shocking experience after losing a job and W hooking up wiht OM so I forgive myself and can cut myself some slack. While I 'lost' my W during this whole experience I know I am a better person than I was and can better-appreciate the simple things in life that I overlooked before and have better balance.

Now I am tired of settling for the current job I have when I know I can do much more and also earn a lot more and have been looking at new opportunities. It feels good to be considered for some exciting opportunities and I have my old optimism and confidence in the future back. People are reaching out to me professionally - things are coming to me without asking - and I feel like I have my 'mojo' back in that area. I may take a new job soon that will mean some major changes in my life professionally and will be very fufilling I believe.

I also am tired of being with someone who flat out disrespects me and doesn't want to be M. I don't feel as much bitterness as before, but just realize that life is too short to be with someone who doesn't want you. Would I like to keep my family together and save my M? Absolutely, but there are too many conditions that need to be met for that to happen and it is hard
to see how we get there from here.

W has actually been kind of quiet/brooding over the past week, but polite to me nevertheless.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[tryingtilDorR]

Funny thing happened this morning that caught my attention.

Yesterday morning I got out and put the xmas lights on the house. I thought I woudld get it done because I had some time, so I put up the lights that hang from the roof. This morning I started putting more lights out in the yard.

W comes out and starts to complain about some lights I was using in the wrong place and ask why I was putting out the lights in the yard because that is normally what SHE and the KIDS do. I put them on the house and they finish the rest typically. Its not really a big deal, there are PLENTY of lights to put out - we usually never finish. The interesting thing was that she said:

You NEVER USED to do that before so why are you doing it now (putting lights in yard)? Also, you do other things, like make popcorn to bring to XXX's house that you wouldn't have done before.

The popcorn comment is from a few weeks ago when my S11 and S12 went to a slumber party and I made a big bag of popcorn and brought it over there for the kids. I have been doing this at home a lot with my kids and had just made it for a party we had at home the week before. Would I have done this before? Who knows, maybe not. I have changed in the past year, however, so maybe it isn't something I would have thought of, but who cares? She also made a comment yesterday morning about the fact that I made breakfast for my kids and a friend that slept over:

Isn't it nice that dad can make you breakfast?

I almost felt like what she really meant was isn't it nice that dad cooks for you NOW? I actually used to do this quite a bit, but I have been more consistently doing it just about every weekend for the past few months.

At times I have felt like I was obsessing over the W, watching her all the time and monitoring her behavior. I have backed way off lately, but maybe she is watching me as well?

[tryingtilDorR]

I am not sure what hit me, but this weekend I have been having some new thoughts.

For some reason, I know my life will improve a lot over the next year. I feel like I am ready for a new beginning or something. Maybe it is the job prospects I am looking at that are making me think this and also looking back at how horrible the past 12 months have been (it can only get better?).

Even though I am sure that a better future is in store for me, I can't see it happening with my W in the picture. It is hard to visualize how life could be better with her in the mix in her current state - she doesn't want to be married to me, doesn't even sleep in the same room as me, and has an OM that she still had an EA (at least) with and still talks to. Even if there are no changes in our M, I know my life will be better going forward, but it could even be better without her.

Maybe it is some of the anger I feel over her behavior from the last year eating away, and the thought of how nice it would be to be 'free' of this. I can do a lot to address this on my own I realize without going through a D, but it will always be there as long as W has no interest in R and continues to disrespect me by talking to OM (even if it is just 'once a week or so').

For whatever reason, I want out now. I feel like I need to move on since I know this isn't a R that I want to be a part of any more.

I feel guilty for thinking this because of my kids and because I made a commitment before God. I don't have an OW either, but I now can see that if someone walked into my life it would be easy to get involved with someone if I let my guard down. Previously I couldn't even considre this given how distraught I was over losing my W and M and wanting to preserve my family at all costs, no matter how much pain I was in I was going to 'stick it out' until she woke up.

Emotions can turn on a dime I am realizing, but I feel like I am in a new place. I can certainly CHOOSE to continue to try to hold out hope that our M will be restored, but I don't know if I am going to make that choice any more.

Scary stuff after a year of 'holding on' in one form or another.

[tryingtilDorR]

I had an idea. I was able to fill out divorce papers online. I feel like I am ready to push this forward if she doesn't change, and I don't see any changes in her behavior or attitude about anything. It has been a year now.

She may be thinking about stuff on her own, but who knows and I am trying to avoid being a mind-reader.

So, I was thinking of telling her this:

"I have filled out a full set of D papers and am going to file them if you don't commit to:

a) stop all contact with OM
b) be totally transparent about your behavior and allow me to see all of your phone records going forward

"

I left out another condition, which is (c) commit to rebuilding our marriage, but at this point I am willing to delay filing for D if she just changes her attitude about her privacy and being 'friends' with OM.

I feel like I am serious about this and can follow through with filing for D if she refuses. I am just getting tired of the situation. If she is really done then we need to get on with it and this will shake out the answer anyway.

Any comments or feedback out there?

[nutfarmer]

That's controlling. File the papers and have her served without saying anything. If she comes to you to work it out, then she has made her own choice.

[TrentC]

So, I was thinking of telling her this:

"I have filled out a full set of D papers and am going to file them if you don't commit to:

a) stop all contact with OM
b) be totally transparent about your behavior and allow me to see all of your phone records going forward

First off, that is the wrong way to go about it. That's controlling behavior, and will not get you the answer you want (assuming that answer is, that she will break it off with OM and stay with you).

If you want to set a boundary, it needs to be phrased differently:

"I feel like your relationship with OM is disrespectful of me and our marriage; I did not get married to share my wife with another man. If do you not put an end to this relationship with OM and agree to transparency, you can find another place to live and I will file for divorce."

Second, do not file for divorce if she is the one leaving, unless it is because she ignored your boundary. If she wants out of the R, let her do all of the hard work.

[tryingtilDorR]

Letting her do everything has been my stance all along until the last couple of days I guess when I thought I was having a change of heart on this. Maybe I am getting impatient about the lack of movement/progress in either direction.

I don't want a divorce, but I have made up my mind that I will not continue living with my W like this indefinitely and would be better off without her if there is no hope for her making any changes in attitude or behavior.

The last time I had the "End R with OM or Leave" conversation she moved into the other bedroom (6 months ago) and insisted that they were just friends, etc etc etc.

Since then, when I have brought it up again she has given me the "I am not doing anything - I can have any friends I want and our M is over anyway".

I guess I am just tired and burnt out of the whole situation.

[TrentC]

I don't want a divorce, but I have made up my mind that I will not continue living with my W like this indefinitely and would be better off without her if there is no hope for her making any changes in attitude or behavior.

Yes, but...

The last time I had the "End R with OM or Leave" conversation she moved into the other bedroom (6 months ago) and insisted that they were just friends, etc etc etc.

Since then, when I have brought it up again she has given me the "I am not doing anything - I can have any friends I want and our M is over anyway".

...you haven't followed through.

You've told her twice so far that the A has to end, or she has to go. She hasn't ended the A, and she's still there. And she will stay there, and disrespect you to your face, until you do something about it.

Time to start packing her things for her. She should come home from work (or wherever) and find her stuff out on the front lawn.

Any discussion should be responded to with "At this point, I think it would be best if we work things out through our attorneys from now on."

[tryingtilDorR]

She seemed like she was ready to walk out the door any minute but I realize now that I am fooling myself thinking that she is actually going to leave under her own power. I agree that if she is going to leave I should just let her do all the work and I have been waiting for that for a while.

She knows that legally I can't force her to leave - but seemed like she would do it herself.

I guess I am finally realizing this fact:

And she will stay there, and disrespect you to your face, until you do something about it.

I have concluded that the only 'something' I can do is file for D. I was trying to put ultimatums in front of it, but maybe I shouldn't and should just move on and get it done.