I prayed for YEARS to God to help my low-libido'd wife just WANT me. To "fix" her. To fix our marriage.
It wasn't until I faced my fears and started trudging thru the basic blocking and tackling that needed to be done, that He began to do a work in us.
Puppy
Today W said she met with the OM to "break it off" while she moves out to figure out what she wants to do. There is still the matter of the Christmas program, which we've agreed to let the pastor render a decision on.
So supposedly at the end of January my W will be in a position to determine whether we reconcile or break up. At which point she'll let the OM know as well. No guarantee that she'll know by then, but that's what she's shooting for. I was very clear that ANY contact whatsoever will end my cooperation with regard to sharing the offsite living arrangement.
She was clear in saying "I didn't break it off for you. I did it for me".
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Not a good sign. It still shows she is holding onto her own selfish needs and not your feelings.
I agree.
You also need to consider the very likely fact that she's lying that she even had this conversation. She may have told you this just to get you to back off.
So supposedly at the end of January my W will be in a position to determine whether we reconcile or break up. At which point she'll let the OM know as well. No guarantee that she'll know by then, but that's what she's shooting for.
Not a good sign. It still shows she is holding onto her own selfish needs and not your feelings.
I agree.
You also need to consider the very likely fact that she's lying that she even had this conversation. She may have told you this just to get you to back off.
Possible, but she didn't lie about having lunch with the OM, which she very well could have. I had no idea where she was.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
January is as far as I agreed to swap out periodically so she could be at home with the kids.
In your opinion, is there a better way for me to handle this Puppy? Keep in mind my wife has been diagnosed with depression, is taking medicine for it that I don't think is working (there was no calibration process - the first dose the doc prescribed magically "worked" according to W), and the fact that I am a devout Catholic and will not file for divorce. Honestly I don't know what else to do.
While DBing you're not supposed to grill your wife on whereabouts, whether she's meeting with the OM, etc. You're supposed to detach. I've not had any evidence other than direct questioning regarding her contact, so technically I'm violating a DB principle just by asking. AND she has not said she's reconciling. I told her my position is she leaves if the EA is still alive. If not, she's welcome to stay. Her position is she needs to be away from OM and me to figure things out.
What else can I do?
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
In your opinion, is there a better way for me to handle this Puppy?
Yes. Go back and re-read the posts to you in mid-Sept. by Coach, Stuck, Thinker and others. In there you will find your answer.
If ongoing contact is a dealbreaker, than you should gather your own independent intel. Asking her is of no use, because she will only lie to you if she is. If it's not a dealbreaker, then there's no need to verify.
I re-read the posts from September. The biggest thing was she leaves if the EA goes on, and that's where we are, although she says she's breaking it off, and needs to get away by herself.
More drama tonight: I asked her why she talked with the OM over the phone after she and I had spoken about the "breaking it off" lunch today (I found out they spoke after she had left the house following our conversation). She fumbled around with her words, incredulous that I somehow knew, said "I needed someone to talk to", then went in to rambling about "you said I can't see him again but I need to get my stuff from him and figure out how to do that. We didn't agree that there would be zero contact from today on. I have to get my stuff somehow (he's got some kitchen supplies from when he moved to his own place).
I asked, "how did you get from "I needed someone to talk to" to then coming up with the explanation that it was a logistics call". She got perturbed. I told her to please not treat me as if I am somehow out of line here. Look at what Tiger Woods' wife did - I think I've been VERY civil throughout this 8 month ordeal. I also mentioned how she didn't seem very upset after breaking it off this afternoon - she was actually kind of cheerful - and that she was a wreck back in May when they both decided to "break it off" which lasted about 3 days. She told me she went to her apartment and cried her eyes out, and just because she didn't seem upset to me didn't mean that she wasn't.
I told her that turning right around and talking with the OM right after we had been back and forth over this stuff just makes it impossible to trust her on anything. Then she shot at me "What do you want me to do?!?". I told her calmly, "Never look at him, speak to him, phone him, or write to him ever again". She said "Fine!" I'll send him an email and copy you.
So she did. Then went upstairs upset, came back down and left in the car. Who knows where she's gone.
To be continued. I guess...
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Pigskin, that entire conversation is about you trying to either TEACH her, or RUB HER NOSE IN IT.
Neither is effective.
You are like a parent, with a misbehaving child, running amok all over the house, and you try to REASON with them, asking "Why are you acting up this way?" -- instead of calmly laying out the boundary, and the consequence:
"If you throw your toys and scream in the house again, you're going to go to your room, with no TV for one hour." And then you do it.
Quote:
I re-read the posts from September. The biggest thing was she leaves if the EA goes on, and that's where we are, although she says she's breaking it off, and needs to get away by herself.
So, in 2 1/2 months, this boundary remains unenforced. And you still don't understand where you're going wrong?
Pigskin, that entire conversation is about you trying to either TEACH her, or RUB HER NOSE IN IT.
Neither is effective.
You are like a parent, with a misbehaving child, running amok all over the house, and you try to REASON with them, asking "Why are you acting up this way?" -- instead of calmly laying out the boundary, and the consequence:
"If you throw your toys and scream in the house again, you're going to go to your room, with no TV for one hour." And then you do it.
Quote:
I re-read the posts from September. The biggest thing was she leaves if the EA goes on, and that's where we are, although she says she's breaking it off, and needs to get away by herself.
So, in 2 1/2 months, this boundary remains unenforced. And you still don't understand where you're going wrong?
Well, I left out the part where I plainly stated that it was her choice to see/talk/write to the OM, but it is my decision that if she does, all bets are off and I won't cooperate with her shared offsite living arrangement. She will have to move out and see the kids when she can.
A lot has happened in the 2 1/2 months you speak about - mainly job loss, which put a dent in our ability to afford a separate place, and also was not good for my wife's mental state. I know these sound like lame excuses, but I have a hard time booting out someone with a mental illness who had just been hit with a stress she didn't cause. Besides, she wasn't violating boundaries set in September as far as I could tell; I only recently found out evidence based on snooping that I prefer not to do, as it really does me no good. But enough time has now passed now for her to get over the loss of her job, and it's time to end this drama.
By the way, to update where I left the prior post, she came back home and went to bed without a word.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
