Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
She is pushing the affair in your face. She will get even bolder. Maybe start to talk to you about how they will be hanging out together and if you are going to be his friend. How they are going to start doing stuff you two did.
What your wife is doing is called abuse.
So you have 2 choices.
1. Take it and fall apart 2. Remove the abuse and heal.
I would give the end the affair by this day or your gone. Say it and walk away. End of dicussion. I would also set the boundary that she is not to communicate with this person while in the house. Each time she does move the get out date up by one day or cancel the phones or what ever.
What is she going to do get angry. Who cares. Your marriage can handle anger. It cannot handle an affair. Any sentance that starts with " You will be sorry , But You... , You will regret this..." IGNORE.
Then on the day before she is gone. Grab garbage bags and put her stuff in it. Toss it in the garage or on the street...
I always agree with you generally, and I agree with mos of this post. But this:
Originally Posted By: cutterbug
I would give the end the affair by this day or your gone. Say it and walk away. End of dicussion.
I must respectfully disagree with.
The problem with giving an adulteress a hard deadline (say, January 1st), is that they will:
a) Take this as your tacit approval of them to carry on their affair until December 31st; at which time they will
b) Promise you the moon and the stars, and beg like crazy, for you not to follow thru on your consequence.
It's kinda like telling the terrorists you're going to remove your troops on June 1st. They just lay low for the next 7 months, wait you out, and then when you leave they take over the country.
I have done a pretty good job following most items on "Plan A". However, I see that I have not articulated the consequences of crossing the line of demarkation. I will work on this issue.
I also think I have done a good job detaching from the R. I have had to have about three different MCs tell me the same thing--back off, don't pressure, don't talk R. I have seen her come around somewhat, albeit inconsistently. She confided in me the other day she was feeling depressed. I, foolishly, a few days later followed up to check in on her. Her response was, "I don't know why I tell you that stuff, I am fine". Then I was met with much hostility the balance of the day. I think on some level she is testing me to see if I will lose my cool. It no longer works as well as it has in the past. Last night, she opened up about some concerns with work. I remained detached, but supportive. I discussed the problems she faced as her problems, not mine. (I am an exceptional problem solver, among the problem solvers of the world, I am one of the best. Except when it comes to R.)I also refused to discuss a financial situation with her. Today, she called to reinitiate the finanical conversation. A couple of times, I felt she was trying to goad me into opening the topic, but I didn't take the bait. I ended the conversation at a natural point for me. I think she is starting to notice a change in my additude toward her.
It is astounding that she can say ILYBNILWY, carry on an EA to some degree and at the same time look to me for endless support.
It is astounding that she can say ILYBNILWY, carry on an EA to some degree and at the same time look to me for endless support.
Actually its rather normal. Script following cake eating. She is getting EN's from the both of you. What you need to do is cut off all EN's so she can only get them from the OP.
Who is advocating that you pressure her or lose your cool?
That's a straw man. All we're advocating is enforcing your boundaries, instead of the "whatever" approach you seem to be taking.
That's all.
Oh, and to paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, I'm pretty sure the consequences part of the boundary-crossing, is pretty much the most important PART of the boundary-crossing . . .
It is astounding that she can say ILYBNILWY, carry on an EA to some degree and at the same time look to me for endless support.
We call that "cake-eating" around here.
Why should she stop it? She's got the best of both worlds. She gets all of the perks of being married to you while committing emotionally to the other guy.
Only way for it to end is for you to set the boundary; no sharing your wife with another man.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
It is astounding that she can say ILYBNILWY, carry on an EA to some degree and at the same time look to me for endless support.
We call that "cake-eating" around here.
Why should she stop it? She's got the best of both worlds. She gets all of the perks of being married to you while committing emotionally to the other guy.
Only way for it to end is for you to set the boundary; no sharing your wife with another man.
To me the OM friendship/EA is a sympthom, a byproduct, of the deterioration of our relationship which I bear equal fault. I have had issues this year with anger and resentment. I have neglected my needs and pursued hers with semi-recless abandon. The result--I have been unhappy and unpleasant to be around some of the time. BTW, I express anger through passive aggression. I have a sharp tounge when riled up. I have come to understand my anger and discovery the extend of her unhappieness. Now, she has her issued too. But I can't do much about that right now, if ever. So I view the OM as a sympthom of a deeper problem, like a fever is to an infection. Sorry for the rant. Any thoughts?
You are spot on - OM is a symptom of a problem within your marriage, between you and and your wife. However, Mr. Wonderful, you just will NOT get to deal with those problems as long as she has another man with whom there are no problems except for you being in the way!
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
