hoping for better times to come

[Gnosis]

Maple, I've added your thread to my 'watch list' but I don't have the time to go over all your posts. I'll let R2C take the lead here and provide feedback on what I think from there.

Some quick thoughts:
If there is no OW: The email he sent you and what you wrote on your first post highlights the problem... BOTH of you have some serious communications issues that have escalated to a crisis. You misread each other and this has built into resentment for each other. If this is the case then the two of you will need to share ideas on how to be understood. (Note the use of the word share... not 'talk' )

If there is an OW then this is just spew and he's looking for excuses to justify his actions. If this is the case then avoid the talk.

I wish I had more time to read everything and think about it.

[Ready2Change]

Here is a first draft:

H,

I am glad to read your true feelings. I am sorry you felt it was my responsibility to approach you. I understand that you have been under incredible stress while looking out for our family. The responsibilities for a family are more than I ever imagined. It must have been hard for you getting depressed and complacent and thinking it was just you. We both made choices that got us to this point.

I am sorry you feel that I haven't been attracted to you since DD1 was born. I am sorry that we have drifted apart.
I can see why you don't see either of us compromising, but I see many ways we can compromise. I feel that it is important for us to compromise. What humongous attempt would you like to see? I am still attracted to you and I would prefer you sharing the same bed.

[pearlharbr]

I'm at a loss too Maple. On one hand, he could really be reaching out to you. In that case I would listen and validate and leave it at that. OTOH, if he's having an affair then there's no point in trying to work out any issues unless OW is out of the picture because he can't truly work on your R while he's in another one.

I'm cynical so I assume it's the latter. But that's just me.

[Ready2Change]

R2C - Don't think I can avoid the R talk when H comes home tonight. H does not really have the access to check his email at work (construction site) so emailing him back probably won't work.
But your input would be greatly appreciated.

If R talk happens:

1) It is your RESPONSIBILITY to JUST LISTEN! (And remember every detail to share with us)
2) VALIDATE what he says:

I see why you would feel that way
I can understand why you would feel that way
It must be hard to feel that way
mmmmm
YES.

3) DO NOT REACT, Postpone responding:

Remember, when in doubt, say "I don't know how I feel about that; let me think about it and get back to you".

[Gnosis]

I'm going with R2C gave you.

When you get home:

• Keep doing what you need to be doing
• Be accessible and wait for him to approach you
• He's going to say a lot of things that are going to hurt and make you feel misunderstood. As difficult as it is, DO NOT defend yourself. (do like R2C says, just listen and validate)
• Do not let him pressure you into any decisions. If he does then you respond with, "This is all new to me. I need some time to digest and think about what you're saying. OK?" <-- Get his agreement. This will open the door for your turn later.
• He will try pressure you with "Do you agree?" "Am I right?" "See what I mean" ... whatever. Don't bend. Standard responses as R2C laid out.
• Be prepared for THE bomb. (I want a S or D). Steel yourself against this. "I hear you. I see."

Maintain your composure. You're a mature, strong woman who can handle whatever is thrown at you.

[Coach]

MG, He's mind-reading telling you what you know, how you feel and think:

I know you would never start this off. I have been waiting to see if you would approach me to talk to me. I knew you wouldn't because it's not in your nature. Well seeings how we don't talk we just email each other to converse, I thought I would write a few things

Considerate
Appreciated
Interested
Devotion

You can't imagine the stress I have looking out for this family.
I know you haven't been attracted to me since DD1 was born. You don't have to say it I can see it.

I tried for so long to put it back together after DD1 was born, but I could see we were getting more distant. I was getting depressed and complacent. It took sometime to see things for how they are beause I did think it was just me. I was hoping you would make this humongous attempt since we last talked to show that you are serious, but nothing happened. I even would come upstairs to share the same bed. You don't wake me from the couch any more like you use to. So many things have changed and I sleep downstairs to no avail. I guess we need to decide were we go from here? do we sell the house in spring or summer? Do we live seperate from each other? You upstairs me downstairs? And keep the house? I just don't see either of us compromising

Validate his feelings, "I can see how you feel like ____________ when ____________ . However this is what I really think__________________."

He also thinks in negative/pessimistic terms - always, never.

He has filled in all the blanks for himself. Validate, empathise and then tell him how you really feel, what you think and want.

I was hoping you would make this humongous attempt since we last talked to show that you are serious, but nothing happened.

Ask him what he would have wanted to see happen.

I just don't see either of us compromising

Do you see it - he's projecting what you are going to do.

Listen very carefully for these clues and lead on this.

You can handle it.

[maple]

Thanks for all the advice.

Tonight, I will try my best to keep my cool and will:

Listen
Validate
Empathize

Only 6 more hours to go until the kids go to bed.

[Ready2Change]

Sweetie,

I wish you well tonight.

One last bit of advise. If you can have a canned response for "THE WORST THING HE CAN SAY", then everything else will be easy.

One example:

H: I want D.
U: "I am sorry you feel that way. I do not want D. I see many other options to our issues. But if you feel that is your only option, I will not stand in your way."


If he pushes for other options:

H: I have tried for years BLABLABLA.... What options do you see?
U: "Before I can move on, together or apart, I feel it is important to go to consoling because I want to understand how we got to this point and prevent it from ever happening to me again."


I need to run.

My thoughts are with you. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what H chooses.

HUGS

[givingitmyall]

Thanks for all the advice.

Tonight, I will try my best to keep my cool and will:

Listen
Validate
Empathize

Only 6 more hours to go until the kids go to bed.

MG,

I was going to respond, but you have already gotten some great advice. I will keep you in my prayers.

Just remember, he can't make you talk about or do anything you do not want to. You can always fall back to the validating his feelings and "I really need to think about that" if he presses you to make a decision.

Good luck. You will do fine no matter what.

[givingitmyall]

Hey, just checking in to see how last night went.