WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[shellshockedga]

Confused, I will be thinking of you. In a similar boat now so trying to read and learn from your sitch.

[confusedinpa]

Confused, I will be thinking of you. In a similar boat now so trying to read and learn from your sitch.

I'm really sorry to hear that. It's a really crappy sitch to be in. Not sure how much there is I learn from but if you want to friend me in fb (Ci Pa) we can try to exchange info to chat. I found that has really helped me through this roller coaster.

[MrBond]

cipa,

It is weird to think that these spouses of ours were really the same people we married. It's also eerie to see how many similarities there are with all of these sitches.

I think we need to get all of our WASs together and do a mass exorcism or a de-zombification of them.

[PMA_Baby!]

I hear ya Stuck.

I'm divorced and my ex is still pulling this crap. This entitled attitude never stops. We agreed to joint, physical custody 18 mons ago and now we are both going for Full and have a GAL appointed. All I can say is never stop fighting for what you believe in. I wasn't the one that wanted this so I am not the one that will stop fighting.

God Speed everyone!!!

[confusedinpa]

Well we finally talked about the custody thing. She started texting about it this evening and I refused to participate and just said we need to talk. Finally she called.

We went back and forth, very adversarial like, for a bit. She was about to hang up mad when I just stopped her and said that we need to figure out how to compromise because if we don't we'll spend $6K in legal fees every time we need to make a change, and that's money we don't have.

So I walked her through how "negotiations" and discussions by understanding what is important to each other's position and then analyzing the proposals to see how they meet each other's "important" points. We got a little further, although we could reach agreement.

Then we wound up talking about our relationship.

I told her that we have both done things that hurt our relationship and I'm not saying that we had hurt them equally as bad, but I told her that I am very angry at what she has done. She then started getting all emotional and appologized for it and blah blah blah trying to explain how she justified it in her mind.

I told her that I am angry but felt sorry for her about how she must have bad she must have felt to do something so horrific.

She then went into her crying mode of not saying anything so it was either silence or sobbing.

So we talked..... finally... for what it's worth....

[PMA_Baby!]

That's great C. Nice job. You handled yourself perfectly. You followed the 4 steps to listening exactly.

Listen. Mirror. Sympathize. Empathize.

Nice going. Remember if you still want to be together then planting that seed of doubt in her mind is the first step.

Keep on being that supportive boyfriend and u might just beat this thing.


PMA

[sandi2]

Hey.....just sticking my head in to give you a big old bear (((((hug))))! It sucks going through the holidays with all of this staring you in the face, but you have proven that you are a winner at life. A little thing like unemployment, pending D, and child custody isn't going to get this guy down! You're made of the right stuff and you will get through this. BTW, you are allowed to feel human and all this pumping up I may be doing is not to say you aren't allowed to have a bad day now & then. Just make sure if you fall off the horse that you climb back on and charge ahead.

I'll be checking in to see how you and the boys are. Take care and don't get sick during flu season.

[confusedinpa]

She just called this afternoon. Her lawyer told her how much she would have to pay me. She was freaking out. I dont think this helps her through the door but who knows...

It's a serious dose of reality for her. When she took a pause in freaking out, i asked if there was anything else. She said no. I just said ok and bye since i just got home with my 7 year old. So we hung up

She called after the kids went to bed and asked how much I really needed. I reminded her of how i asked her the same question weeks ago and she said kept saying she wants to know what the court would order. I reminded that is exactly what happened 3 weeks ago when we went to court and her lawyer thought the number was too low.

Divorce is messy and ugly and I still do not agree its the right solution but with her not wanting to work on it and being involved with others, so I reminded her how I was done waiting for her and am moving on to make the best life for me and the boys.

She then started flipping out on how they would take more than half her net. I just told her that was the position she was putting me when she was going after what she was going after. She then asked about my savings and I said there is no pot of gold there. All our money is tied up in 401Ks and the house.

She then said she thought after last nites discussion I was open to working things out. I told her that I didn't believe that divorce is the right answer but will not work on things unless she is saying that she really wants to try, not to just avoid the financial issues.

She then brought up how I wouldnt help her financially in the past and I reminded her of how angry i was with what she has done so she was just luckt i declined politely instead of telling her how she should ask the guy she cheated with but i knew she couldnt cause he dumped her in Jun

Then she asked how I knew that. I told her I dont need to tell her how other than I know

Then she said she didnt have to listen to this and hung up

I think I'll send a text saying she should call me when she's calmed down....

[antlers]

I think I'll send a text saying she should call me when she's calmed down....

Don't do it. She already knows she can call you when she's calmed down. You're doing good, especially under the circumstances. Keep it up, and stick to your guns. Don't call.

[confusedinpa]

Hey.....just sticking my head in to give you a big old bear (((((hug))))! It sucks going through the holidays with all of this staring you in the face, but you have proven that you are a winner at life. A little thing like unemployment, pending D, and child custody isn't going to get this guy down! You're made of the right stuff and you will get through this. BTW, you are allowed to feel human and all this pumping up I may be doing is not to say you aren't allowed to have a bad day now & then. Just make sure if you fall off the horse that you climb back on and charge ahead.

I'll be checking in to see how you and the boys are. Take care and don't get sick during flu season.

Thanks Mom

Your timing was impecable. I just had a really crappy call. Don't know why it's weighing on me as this is the path I've been driven to and have accepted it. I think part of it was Weds' call showed me a possibility. It wasn't a possibility I would want for myself as if it was just me, I would have been done a while ago. It's just when I look and listen to my boys I kick myself in the butt to try and "fix" it again - I know typical DAM stuff.

Even today, when I picked up both of the boys, they were telling me how they were sad and mad about mommy leaving. They even said they asked her this week to come home and she said no because I was still being mean to her. They said they didn't think I was mean and then asked why she broke her promise. She said she didn't know what promise they were talking about.

It's absolutely crazy.

Even tonite, I told her that a divorce is destructive and that there is not pot of gold that she's gonna cash in on at the end of this. We will both be starting at zero because this will destroy everything we have built up over the past year. I am not afraid of that as I've started with nothing and grew from there. I know I can do it again.

All this stuff reminds me of the question - do dumb people really know how dumb the are? I think in this case, she has no idea.....