The father-daughter relationship is very precarious. You would think my H would know that.
That is why I insist on 50% custody and being part of anything I can be with my daughters. It is important to them and me as well for them.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I just read on another thread that separation is basically the preamble to divorce. My H has an apartment with a lease. He's out for 6 months, a year? Who knows.
Why the hell am I wasting time trying to DB when I never speak to him, don't see him, and he has his own home?
Separation can be a preamble to divorce, but there are plenty of cases where it's not. Sometimes it's a step that has to be taken to avoid divorce.
But.... the bigger point is, stop DBing to try to get him to come back. Start DBing to improve yourself. To give you the time you need to be ready for whatever is coming.
It's time to step way back, and look at your goals.
That's the thing, Jeff. I have no goals. I don't even know if I want him back. I just don't know if I should be willing for the kids. I feel like he has done so much damage, I have no idea how we could ever recover.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. Plus, I'm 2 weeks post you know what, and that is starting to get to me.
OK, so for now let's not think about DBing in terms of getting him back. Let's not even worry about whether you want him back.
Time to step even further back. What do you want for you and the kids, in the long term. But not to fuzzy! (And I keep forgetting how old they are, I may be getting old!)
One more thing.... what you are feeling is pretty common. And I think it's good to a degree. I think too many people try to save things before they know why, or even if, they really want to. So, let's take some time, and look at Super Girl's future!
I want us to get on with our lives the best we can, with or without him. I want my kids to be happy.
Some days, I wish he would get hit by a bus. Other days, I wonder if I have a responsibility to my kids to do whatever I can to fix this.
Some days, I think I can get past this, and then other days, I realize he hasn't seen or spoken to his kids in 11 days. I have no idea who he is anymore. Never would I have imagined him to be this person. I can't wrap my mind around ever forgiving what he is doing.
No one mentions him. It's like he no longer exists. My kids are joyful and better behaved than ever. Oh, they are almost 12, 10, 8 and 5. They have all stepped up and become these great helpers. The tension in the house is gone. It's been nice. They like that we have rallied together. Hopefully, they'll want to start visiting him soon. I wonder if I have a responsibility to my son to fix this. Poor kid is doomed in all this estrogen. lol
So, after all this babbling, I don't know what I want or where to go from here. Do I put myself first and say eff him, or the kids first and keep at it? Who knows...
At this moment, all I'm wondering is older or younger this time!!! I kid.
I've been pretty much NC with H. Yesterday he asked a question, and my response was no. It's been almost 24 hours, and he just texted me to see if he was watching the kids on Saturday. I had originally asked him to waaay back when this all started. I guess it's a good sign that he was still willing.
I replied, no, and I texted you last week to tell you I had made other arrangements. He replied, what are they doing on Saturday. This is also a good sign, he might be realizing he needs to get his a$$ over to see them. I replied that we had been invited to a party. His response..OK.
Should I tell him he can come see them later on Saturday? Should I suggest Sunday?
((((SuperG))))) (that's a great name!) "I feel like he has done so much damage, I have no idea how we could ever recover."
I posted almost these same words in my thread the other day. Our sitches are different but I totally get how you feel here. You are in good hands w VH & Trent, but here's my 2 cents. I see at least 1 goal from your posts: To provide for & protect your kids. And from what I read, looks like you are doing a great job at this. What your D said to you made my eyes water.
I'm almost 9 mos. into S (H left end of March) & I'm just NOW starting to make decisions about what to do. If I had kids I might have had to move much quicker. But seems like you are doing all the right things, & most importantly being a pillar for your kids. It's such a lonnnng hard process, this WAS thing. You'll get there; your strength shows through. Talk to VH, his advice is good. You have my support!
