He wants to come home tonight. He said he will clean out the spare room and stay in there. He said he 'isn't being a good friend or a good father' and he feels like a bad person. He said he was trying to be honest but sometimes that isn't what is best. He said he wants to be here for us and that he will listen to me. (?)
I told him I didn't want him to come home unless he was ready to work on the M or talk to a counselor. He said if that is what I want to do he will do it.
He told you what you wanted to hear. Do you not have a agreement on solutions? Why won't you bring up your concerns? You let him treat you this way, you have the ability to stop it. Stop being his mother and be his wife.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach- yes, he did say what he needed to get home but he also said (later) that he was coming home no matter what I said. It reminded me of the advice that is given to the LBS that have left the house.
As for approaching him with my concerns, yes I have done that too. He understands and listens to me, but no action is made to help fix things most of the time. My concern about him and the bar without his wedding ring was basically pushed aside. I told him Sunday that he has not done anything to help fix the M since he came home and he agreed. He tried a few very very minor things Sunday then went back to the 'good buddy one armed hug' Monday. I think his dinner tonight is him trying. He said he is more involved in trying to make himself happy right now.
He has straight out said that If I am not happy with the way things are I can leave this time because he will not leave his house again. I cannot leave. It is not financially possible at this time or any time in the near future. He seems open to listening to my requests but when it comes time to execute them he becomes reluctant. I KNOW my expectations are too high and I am working on this now.
So, what do you suggest?
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Got home from our date about an hour ago. We had a good time. We just went to dinner but it was nice to have an hour or so alone. It felt like old times, nervous and smiling the whole time. We held hands, hugged, and kissed. I am going to cherish tonight because I don't know when I will get it again.
I think he is going to the bar Thursday and I (hopefully) will go out Friday night with the bachelorette party. I am hoping he will let Saturdays game go and decide to spend some time here. I think I will see if he wants to go to the local karaoke cafe with some family and friends.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
He has straight out said that If I am not happy with the way things are I can leave this time because he will not leave his house again. I cannot leave. It is not financially possible at this time or any time in the near future. He seems open to listening to my requests but when it comes time to execute them he becomes reluctant. I KNOW my expectations are too high and I am working on this now.
So, what do you suggest?
STOP FOCUSING ON YOUR H AND WORK ON YOURSELF!
You say you know you're smothering him, but you're still having R talk, you're still expecting something. STOP IT! It is a cheeseless tunnel. He doesn't want to do the things you ask of him, so that's why changes aren't long lasting. So STOP IT.
Now is the time to make yourself happy. I know you said you work a lot, H isn't around, blah blah, so you can't go out or GAL. Tell your H, "H, I want to go out (when), so you either need to be available to watch the kids or I will hire a babysitter. Then DO IT. If money's that tight, then he will make sure he's home to watch the kids. He has money for the bar, there's money for a sitter.
Going out doesn't require a lot of money. I didn't have much to work with myself, so I found all the free events I could. Sometimes I just hung out in the bookstore, sitting in one of the comfy chairs reading a book. Check in your local newspaper, online, etc.
If you're in a larger metro area, Meetup.com has local groups that sponsor fun events around whatever the group's theme is. I got involved in a movie group, a walking group, a sushi group, etc. The cool thing about it is that you just show up to the event, and you get to meet a lot of people.
STOP wallowing in self pity. It isn't attractive to your H. It is time to take care of yourself and make yourself happy. If your H is actually working on that in any real way, I say that's a good thing.
Just STOP!!!!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Going out doesn't require a lot of money. I didn't have much to work with myself, so I found all the free events I could. Sometimes I just hung out in the bookstore, sitting in one of the comfy chairs reading a book. Check in your local newspaper, online, etc.
If you're in a larger metro area, Meetup.com has local groups that sponsor fun events around whatever the group's theme is. I got involved in a movie group, a walking group, a sushi group, etc. The cool thing about it is that you just show up to the event, and you get to meet a lot of people.
Thanks for the suggestions, SDFG! Money is very tight for me and I've found it very difficult to GAL.
(((PIGA))) Hang it there. I know how hard it is.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Thanks SD. I will look into free things around here.
Last night was nice. We had some pillow talk about the past....the WAY past like when we first started seeing each other. Lots of laughing and talking. Then I went to bed a snuggled with the kids. My daughter woke up in the middle of the night throwing up in my bed. H came to help clean it up while I bathed and changed her. He snuck in the room this AM to check on her and tell me bye before he left for work.
I work tonight, I hope to find out what my chances are for having Friday night off. I really hope I get to go to the party!
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
So, I have been reading up on Retrouvaille. There are 5 up coming dates for my area ranging form Jan 2010 to Oct 2010. When would I know we have reached a point where I could bring this up to him? The kids have only spent 1 night away from us their entire lives so I would have to work on that first. I'm not sure he would go, but he is willing to go to MC so maybe?
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
There is no magic time. Retrouvaille is a wonderful experience. it changed my life completely. There are two important things to go to Retrouvaille, First, no OPs. If there is another woman involved, then you are not ready. And secondly, both partners need to go with an open mind and a willing heart. That is all they ask of you. And they will ask it. They will call you before you go and ask if there are any third parties involved and they will speak to each of you asking if you will go with an open mind and a willing heart. When the letter came to my house, after I made my initial inquiry, I saw that and I thought...."He'll never say it." But I kept my mouth shut and I showed him the letter. He didn't say anything. Then they called and spoke to both of us, and I heard him say yes. And you know what? He did. And I did. And we really listened to the leaders and we did all the exercises. And it changed our lives.
Retrouvaille is not counseling. It is a weekend of listening to couples who have been through what you are going through and worse, and who have come back from it, and they are in love. You see the love shining through their eyes. No one preaches to you. They tell you their stories. Then they pose a question that you answer in your notebook. And then the spouses get together privately and read each others' answers. They give you groundrules for writing. They teach you how to say what you want to say to your spouse without attacking or blaming. If you answer the questions honestly, from your heart, and your spouse does it too, you won't believe how powerful the weekend is.
They don't tell you what to do. They ask you questions, and you answer them for yourself. And discuss your answers with your spouse. It is a wonderful experience and it teaches you a new way of relating! It has been almost 3 years since we had our weekend, and I think we have had only two fights since the weekend. It changed us as people.
