My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

listen, I know you're trying to be helpful with the 2 x 4's, and I truly appreciate your caring enough to post such a thoughtful note. but there are just some inaccuracies...

I haven't seen anyone here who was "left in the dust" because of an OW or OM. The OW and OM made it into the M BECAUSE of the problems in the M, they didn't cause them.

yeah, I'm looking long, hard, and critically at my role in the demise of our marriage. however, I will not
take responsibility for xh's midlife crisis, which involved changing jobs, churches, and partners all in 2 months' time. by his own admission, he felt he had "outgrown the marriage like an old overcoat." he has a long history of running from situations that don't feed his narcissistic view of himself, and once I developed boundaries and a sense of self, he outgrew me. Was I perfect? No way. But I wasn't the one who committed adultery.

They can't deal with: "I think XH should have done things differently when he left our M. He should pay for what he's done. You should hate him and his trollop that ruined my M. They don't deserve to be together, they don't deserve happiness. I wish them both the worst. My misery is their fault. Now, shall we have lunch?"

I never had the opportunity to say anything like this, nor display the attitude, because the only contact we've had has been one birthday wish and a sympathy note on the death of my SIL's father. No mention of xh in either, except to apologize for the awkwardness of the situation. in so many words, and no more. in the first week, I did contact one of xh's brothers; I thought he had lost his mind and was looking for a bit of an intervention. he was initially very supportive, and maybe 2 emails passed between us before he talked with xh and abruptly ended all communication with me. and I honored his request 100%. I haven't seen nor spoken with other family members--so there's no way to convey a negative attitude.

As for not having any extended family, I think you said your dad was one of 12 siblings. No doubt you have a ton of extended family. You already found one cousin.

I haven't had any contact with dad's family since his funeral, which was in 1967 when I was 11. I've found 2 or 3 cousins, one of whom has remained in contact with me. Fortunately it's an unusual last name. yes, I would like to reach out to more of them, but there were only 2 or 3 who returned my notes. And I continue searching for them on the internet.

It is YOUR opposition, your continuing insistence to making your life about XH

I don't know where this comes from, but it strikes me as cruel. I simultaneously lost my marriage and my job--and subsequently my support community at church (where I worked). I have reached out; I have tried, and continue to try, to GAL. Like many, I have serious financial difficulties that I'm trying to overcome. My support and financial resources are limited, so I haven't been able to travel, take classes, pursue a degree, pursue new hobbies. I have put my energy into creating a stable home for D13, supporting her as she deals with middle school as well as a deteriorating relationship with her father, making a living (I work 2 jobs, like many on these boards), maintaining my house/yard, healing the grief, growing beyond survival. Not sure what about any of this is making my life about xh. I do come to my thread to vent so that I don't make anyone in my immediate life uncomfortable, and so that I can get it out of my head and pull it together to be a good mother. It was my impression that that is one of the purposes of posting to begin with; do I need to wear a mask here as well?