Still in the tunnel with hubby

[Jack_Three_Beans]

: )

D, I was going to comment on how well you have come to grips with this, and then saw that nice little prop. Thanks.

Your last sentence struck a major chord with me, and...I'm not really sure I ever mentioned this here.

When my wife first left the house...4 years ago now...wow. When she first left. I came across a note she had left left it simply said:

Have Faith.

Have Faith brother. You too K.

We are all in this together; alone.

[kjensen]

Thanks Jack. I need alot of support right now b/c my head is spinning.

H decided he wanted to talk last night. I talked myself out of thinking the worst so I wouldn't mind-read or set myself up.

H said he'd come to some decisions and decided he was going to move out and wanted a divorce. He's the kind of person who likes to check things off his "to-do" list so just staying separated wasn't concrete enough...he wants to move on with his life and face is fears(of being alone) and be a man.

I asked him if he felt this was more about him and less about us and he thought so.

So, I can see the positives of him moving out, for him and me and the girls...but the finality of getting a divorce is what scares me to death. I don't think H will be one of those MLCers that waffles-I think he'll start getting busy today to find a place to move(most likely his cousin's for now) and find a lawyer..

I called in sick today b/c I've cried so much I can barely see straight. And I don't feel like pretending things are fine at our holiday lunch/gift exchange today! LOL

I've gone through all the stages of loss in the last 12 hours.

I feel exhausted just trying to think of all the logistical/schedule/money changes that will have to happen in separating our lives.

H cancelled our marriage counseling session that was for Friday-I'm going to see if I can see the same therapist on my own.

H did say the realization he needed to move on came gradually over the last few weeks-my intuition was right on there...

In a way, H now seems his normal rational, kind, self right now(he held my hand all night)-which I think makes me wonder if the fog lifted and my ending is this-divorce.

H did say his therapist made a point of saying nothing is permanent-that people marry and divorce and remarry all the time.

Any words of wisdom out there?

[trustingfaith]

(((KJ)))

So sorry about this big blow. As everyone says, just because he moves out and files for D doesn't necessarily mean it is over. He has to figure himself out, and until he does that he can't be much of a H anyway.

I don't really have any words of wisdom, just to take care of yourself right now.

[kjensen]

Hi TF,

I'm just very, very sad. I wondered if other people had experiences where their MLCer had moments of acting 'normal' and clear when making these life altering decisions. It makes me wonder if H has come out of his fog/withdrawal/depression and the final decision is that he can't live with me, and is not sure he loves me..

H said that a divorce is inevitable.

Its been coming for YEARS.

I asked H if he remembered a conversation we had after he moved back home where he was talking about how he thought the OW was his soulmate. In that conversation I asked him if he ever thought I was his soulmate and he said yes. So last night he didn't remember that second part of the conversation and said I had a better memory than him-most of the past seems like a fog to him...

I did mess up and start asking if we could use a mediation firm rather than separate lawyers..I asked him when he wanted to tell the girls and he said since I bailed on him last time around he would tell them by himself..I asked if I could be there and he got mad saying I wanted to dictate how, when,etc it was done...

He hadn't gotten mad til then and I understand why. I told him I guess I was trying to feel some control within a situation I had no control over..

This feels so final, in that there doesn't seem to be any wavering or second-guessing on H's part. I think he is brave to face is fears, but I hate that it hurts our girls, our family and me because of the way he feels he must face them. He's got to do what he's go to do...it just hurts so damn much!

I feel stupid for having any hope right now.
I feel like a failure.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

H did say his therapist made a point of saying nothing is permanent-that people marry and divorce and remarry all the time.

Now why would he go out of the way to tell you that?
Don't worry, and please do not answer that, you can't.
Some people HAVE to set upon a course of action, as flawed and stupid as that course might be.

K, you live for you and your kids, and you fix yourself. When or if he realizes his path is the wrong path and turns around, you might be there for him. That is up to you. This is all up to you. You do not see it right now, but you are in control of this marriage...not him. Your relationship isn't over until you say it is.

[Treese]

HI KJ...

I've been reading your posts and just lurking....I had to write because I want you to know that you're not alone..my H has said the exact same things...
*divorce is inevitable* (the exact phrase)
yep it's been coming for years
I haven't been happy for 10 years (imagine that his love child is 10 & I knew nothing about him)
My H wants mediation..I won't go that route unless my attorney reads everything for me...I've been married 25 years and with him for 31...I'm not about to just hand him anything.
My H also thinks OW is his soulmate....
You are definately not alone...they all say it..I never believed people here until it all started sinking in...they have a script...and they follow it...even if they appear sane, or act normal, or look as if they are doing the right thing...as my D17 says, "mom, what's he gonna say"...they are not going to tell us they are wrong, that they miss us, blah, blah, blah,...
I understand you feel down because I do to at times, just not as often anymore...my H has been gone now for almost 2 years...rarely sees his kids...it's his loss...

I was always a fixer, I am learning patience and that I cant control everything anymore...I take my 50 % that went wrong but I never ran...I was willing to give it my all...he's the one who ran and never looked back...I told him once a while ago..."H, I hope she's worth it".....

There is a book...called The Script....I read it in a day..the MLCer really does have one....

Take Care....& you haven't failed....none of us have...

Treese

[trustingfaith]

KJ-

You are NOT a failure! It certainly doesn't seem like he has come out of his fog. He is acting on what he thinks will make him feel better, what will "solve" his problems when he is just running.

Do what you need to do to take care of you and the girls.

(((hugs)))

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hollywood Soulmate crap...

Soulmates = Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Endorphins, Norepinephrine, and Dopamine.

pfffpt.

http://people.howstuffworks.com/love6.htm

cynical? Yes, but a cynic with 3rd degree burns. : )

[kjensen]

Thanks everyone.

Jack-you sound like a pharmacist! I know its just chemical stuff, but I do believe that there are people out there with whch we can have a profound, eternal connection, that when severed rips at our very core. It may be a bunch of chemicals in us, but is what we are made of...its our reality.

Now H actually doesn't think OW was his soulmate and he sees her for what she is. He said last night it would be a long time before he could get close to anyone(since she burned him so badly).

I'm just an emotional mess today, dealing with this. I am torn between wanting to box H's stuff up and get him out so I won't be in so much pain and just letting things be and having him do all the work(Thats the choice I'm going with right now).

H hasn't talked to the grls. D12 pretty much figured it out and we talked a bit as I drove her to school. I don't think D14 has a clue...I feel so bad having them go through this again.

I'm just not sure what to do now. Do I act "As if"? because if I could pull that off I should book a flight to Hollywood. Do I just go dark while he's still here?-not sure how to do that while living with someone...

I told H I thought it was funny that after he made these decisions he started opening up and talking to me again. He noticed it too...I wonder if he makes these 'leaving' decisions when he's more "normal" and the repercussions of the decision send him back in the tunnel...

I'm thankful for all of your support everyone. I'm trying to keep this in perspective and not dwell on the what if's in the future. So far though, I'm beginning to hate the month of December!

[trustingfaith]

My guess is part of the reason he started opening up to you more is that he relieved some of the pressure he has internally by making his big announcement.

This is day by day stuff. I know my worries and fears increase when I think about the what ifs and the future, but when I concentrate on each day as it comes I do so much better. Just try to get through today as best you can.

I agree with your tactic - let him take care of all of the details, the packing, etc. This is his decision not yours. Don't make it any easier on him.