Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

Puppy,
thanks for the recognition. I sometimes feel like I am not at the point where I can say certain things that my actions are a way for me to get a point across. I am working on this. I know I need to in order for this marriage to ever have a chance. He knows he can't sleep in our room simply from my actions and my small hints. I know he was trying last night, and it felt good to shut it down. You're right, he's not getting in that easy.

Trent,
I am definitely grateful at where I am. This is crazy, I never would have thought he would actually be home! Its so good, but so hard. I also didn't think it would be so hard. I feel like I am a different person. When he left last night without telling me a thing, I normally would have lost it. But I even mentioned to my sister that it didn't bother me, and she said she could tell. It feels good to have made those changes in the last two months. Its nice to not worry about him and not need to know where he is every second of every day. I think he likes the new me too.

When I called him, I felt like I didn't even think twice about what to do, or what not to do. I had a three year old in my arms crying uncontrollably cause he thought daddy left, in my heart my first instincts were to call him so S3 could feel better. That is what was most important last night.

If he tries coming to bed again tonight which I feel he may not do, since I turned him down last night, then I will make it my goal today to set that boundary. I like your wording, maybe I'll practice it today...hehe

So I have meeting with the MC today. Nervous. So nervous as I have to tell him the developments and the fact that we haven't discussed anything and I'm scared for his reaction. I want to continue with everybody's advice here and continue DB'ing cause look how far its got me, but he isn't going to agree. ugh

[Ready2Change]

Good. It might not be a bad idea to set that boundary finally:

"I'm glad to have you home, but I don't want to make the situation more confusing for us, and especially the kids, right now. So until you've decided that you want to work on things, I would prefer that you stay out of my bedroom at night."

Beautifully said. Another option is to drop the "At night". Another option is to "unless invited".

[TrentC]

Trent,
I am definitely grateful at where I am. This is crazy, I never would have thought he would actually be home! Its so good, but so hard. I also didn't think it would be so hard. I feel like I am a different person. When he left last night without telling me a thing, I normally would have lost it. But I even mentioned to my sister that it didn't bother me, and she said she could tell. It feels good to have made those changes in the last two months. Its nice to not worry about him and not need to know where he is every second of every day. I think he likes the new me too.

I still think you can detach a little more; you still seem skittish about provoking a negative reaction from him.

As for staying motivated, this is where the 3x5 card I talked about earlier would come in handy.

Just jot little notes as to your progress, so when you're feeling down you can pull out a reminder of how far you've come (and more importantly, how doing the job right will work out.)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Brit,
I wish I had the progress youve made..Keep fighting the fight and dont settle..I realized thats what ive been doing for a long time.

Go back and look at britt's entire thread. She had a hard struggle to get to where she is now; I know, because I was one of the ones chucking 2x4s at her regularly.

But her story should show that if you can muster the strength to work the process, it can pay off for you. (There are no promises, because it ultimately lies with the wayward spouse to come back.)

I agree. Karen43's old threads, in the Infidelity forum, also come to mind as someone that grew right before our eyes!

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

S3 has been quite happy daddy is home again and when he came upstairs only to find that daddy left he lost it. I couldn't get him to quit crying so we called H on cell. H said he'd be home soon and goodnight to S3. He was happy then, and went to bed.

Good example of how 3 year olds do not stuff/repress their emotions. They feel the emotions and express them. It is very important as parents to ALLOW our children to express all their emotions (in healthy ways) and VALIDATE the way they feel and sooth the child. Many parents want to control their children and not let them express their emotions.

S3 is terrified that H will abandon him AGAIN. H needs to understand this. H needs to understand how damaging his behavior is to his child. H needs to take responsibility.

Britt54, not sure how to help you with this.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think a simple "It's been tough on him. This has been tough on ALL of us" would be a nice truth dart.

[Lll54]

Thanks so much everybody for your input. I am trying really hard at patience right now. My MC disagrees. He feels that this is time now to sit down with H and discuss the situation, not only for my sake but for the children's.

My S3 is very confused, he asked daddy last night if he is coming home after hockey and why he doesn't stay at Aunties house anymore. H simply told him that he lives here now, and he will be sleeping here again every night. He asked S3 if that makes him happy and S3 said "yes daddy". It breaks my heart to be doing this to the children when I have no idea what is going on, why he is here, how long he is staying. All I know is if he leaves again, it will destroy my son, he is constantly asking for daddy while he is at work, or playing hockey, cause he just wants that feeling that daddy is here for good, and the worst part is I can't even reassure him, cause I know just as much as the three year old does!

I want to continue with the DB'ing approach, cause look where it has gotten me. My H is HOME! This is the best thing I ever could have asked for! But my patience is running thin. I know its only day three. But I don't want a room mate. I want a husband. I'm okay with the whole spare bedroom thing if he is willing to work on things, but I just need to know that that's why he is here. Its too unhealthy for me and my children to give them false hope, and I don't know. All I know is I don't think my H will initiate any R talk. I think he is trying to slowly slide back into the groove of things. Well that isn't going to work either. THere is no healthy marriage coming out of that at all.

Puppy, not familiar with Karen's thread but I will read it tonight. Thanks

I was sitting at the table eating breakfast staring into space wondering what to do today and my S3 looks at me and says " mommy, are wondering if daddy is coming home?" My made heart skip a beat. The poor little boy should not have those kind of thoughts. And what do you say to that? I don't even know the answer! It told him no cause daddy lives with us again we don't have to wonder anymore if daddy is coming home (even though I have no truth behind this comment its all I knew to say). Breaks my heart. I swear if H leaves again and puts my boys through that AGAIN, the police will be showing up at my door to arrest me for chopping off his "..."

H called yesterday morning from work to see how the boys were doing and told me he wouldn't be home for supper, he is going to workout and go straight to hockey. Well, seven rolls around, he calls and asks what's for supper. Ugh. Nothing idiot, you told me you weren't going to be home. He is totally using me. He won't man up and tell me what the heck is going on, and why he is home again, but he has the balls to call me and ask what's for supper, then get frustrated cause I didn't make supper as I didn't think he was going to be home? Then he comes home, eats and takes off to go workout and go to hockey. Must be nice to live in a house where you see your boys everyday again, you get meals prepared for you, you get your clothes washed for you, you get the wife to buy you things when you need them, and you can come and go as you please like you're single!

I just dont know how long to put up with this.

[Lll54]

I just read this and sound very needy. But I don't think I am. Many people live in the same house but different bedrooms, but are actively working on their marriage. I don't know what we are doing! Like I said I don't want a room mate. If he does not want to fix this marriage, then he has to leave. I can't be just "friends" with my husband all while "living" with him. My children and I deserve some stability and security and right now we have none. He has made no attempt to say anything about our R. I'm not going to be his doormat.

[mindfull]

Britt:

How about a simple statement, setting of a boundary?

"H, you know the boys and I are happy you have decided to come home. I'm not going to push a "talk" about anything right now, and let's work on making this a smooth transition for everyone. The holidays are upon us, and let's enjoy them as a family."

Let him experience some peace at home w/you and the boys for awhile.

And, next time, there are miscommunication(s), let him know that you both need to work on making sure each other understands schedules, expectations, etc...

Just my 2 cents, but I don't know enough about you!!

I did this last xmas w/my H, and it really took the pressure off of everyone. (Not sure it's okay to patiently wait this all out - FOR A FULL YEAR - but, it makes for a more peaceful existance while IN LIMBO.)

[TrentC]

Thanks so much everybody for your input. I am trying really hard at patience right now. My MC disagrees. He feels that this is time now to sit down with H and discuss the situation, not only for my sake but for the children's.

I would at least get through the holiday season first. This time of year is stressful enough for everybody.

My S3 is very confused, he asked daddy last night if he is coming home after hockey and why he doesn't stay at Aunties house anymore. H simply told him that he lives here now, and he will be sleeping here again every night. He asked S3 if that makes him happy and S3 said "yes daddy". It breaks my heart to be doing this to the children when I have no idea what is going on, why he is here, how long he is staying. All I know is if he leaves again, it will destroy my son, he is constantly asking for daddy while he is at work, or playing hockey, cause he just wants that feeling that daddy is here for good, and the worst part is I can't even reassure him, cause I know just as much as the three year old does!

It's your husband's choice as to what to tell the kids. It may very well be that he does plan to stay and work on things, but hasn't come around to talking to you about it yet.

Its too unhealthy for me and my children to give them false hope, and I don't know. All I know is I don't think my H will initiate any R talk. I think he is trying to slowly slide back into the groove of things. Well that isn't going to work either. THere is no healthy marriage coming out of that at all.

Heh. Here is about where I'm running out of ideas, because you are about caught up with me now.

Like I said, wait until you're through the holidays to initiate any R talk. You are right in that you deserve a solid answer as to if he is willing to work on sorting this out. But it's only been three days.

I would say, keep on with keepin' on. It'll be harder to Act As If, so step up your 180 efforts and GALing.

If you want, ask your husband to do something for the holidays (pick out a tree, go sightseeing at the neighborhood Christmas decorations, etc.) and make it clear that it's for the kids, or has no strings attached; if he says no, go and do it anyway.

Someone here once said that in the early days of your relationship, you probably didn't spend all of your time talking about "what does this mean?" and "where is this leading?" -- so think of it as dating him all over again.

I was sitting at the table eating breakfast staring into space wondering what to do today and my S3 looks at me and says " mommy, are wondering if daddy is coming home?" My made heart skip a beat.

I don't have any good suggestions here, but I'd just point out that your kids' questions are likely to be fairly predictable; so think about how you want to respond to it next time it comes up.

H called yesterday morning from work to see how the boys were doing and told me he wouldn't be home for supper, he is going to workout and go straight to hockey. Well, seven rolls around, he calls and asks what's for supper. Ugh. Nothing idiot, you told me you weren't going to be home. He is totally using me.

Sounds like it's time for another boundary!

"I know that we have to get used to each other's schedules again, but it makes me feel disrespected when you change your plans with no notice. You said you weren't going to be home for dinner, then expected me to have it ready for you anyway."

It gets back to that respect == love thing again. If you don't get into the habit of calling him on that BS now -- and setting the expectation that he will get called on it -- it'll be a lot harder to do down the line.