There were too many stressful situations all happening in my life at the same time and I just could not handle being challenged on this issue. I hope you all understand, and I hope I did not offend anyone.
I needed to take some time and think things through.
I still do not agree with the "pathological liar" statement, dictionary definition or not. I know who my H was for 18 years before this sitch, and that doesn't just disappear into thin air. If I am even going to CONSIDER restoring this M, which obviously I am or I wouldn't be here, I have to be able to see the good in him and see hope in him for the future. A label like that is destructive, black and white, and I don't find it helpful. Maybe that's just me, but that is my stand.
In the meantime.... by doing things "my way"...lol.... there has continued to be much positive progress. H has been doing a lot of expressions of genuine remorse, recognizing areas of hurt and betrayal to me that he previously tried to minimize, seeking out IC for himself, agreeing to resume MC when we both feel ready etc. Also - HE brought forward to ME an article he found online about how essentail NO CONTACT is in a sitch like this and how he agrees with it. That was at his iniative... and why? Because I was not hammering him over the head with it and demanding it. Prior to their break up OW was being extrememly demanding. My strategy was to be the opposite while still having my boundaries firmly in place, which I did. He said that is exactly what has helped him begin to see the difference between the quality of R we have always had and the "illusion" (as he now calls it) with OW.
I know my H well, and I know that for lasting change for him, conclusions like these need to be reached on his own... not through demands on my part.
That is why I have chosen the path I have chosen.
My H and I are making progress... in stages.... as I communicate one boundary at a time, and he comes to his own conclusions about them as well, so he can OWN them.
This is working for me.
My H is truly almost out of the fog... his thinking is changing, his "script" is almost completely gone, he is completely engaged with the kids again, he is home almost all the time immediately after work, etc etc.
I am not just blindly or naively accepting all these things without seeing that we are still in a danger zone for quite a while. I've been doing lots of reading on all of this. I know I have to be cautious. I know we need to keep working on the re-building of trust. I know I have to be firm on what I need for that. I know I need to keep workin on me, GALing and 180s.
But, there is hope! and that is what I have prayed for for so long and I am going to also let myself hold on to that... taking things cautiously one day at a time.
