Trying LRT - Please Help!

[Gardener]

mo3,
No 2x4s here. You said what you hda to say. Eloquently, calmly and with strength and honor and then turned and walked away.
I admire you. Others may find technical DB faults but if you feel suddenly somehow coming to a place of peace after you had your say. And relieved like a great burden has been lifted, I'd say you did the exact right thing. Cards on the table.

And re the divorce or mediation, whatever: He wants it, let him get the ball rolling. The phrase I used repeatedly with STBXW since I wanted to work, not D was, "I won't resist, but I won't assist, either.

Proud of you standing up and calmly telling it like it is tonight!

[motherof3]

Today is D's b-day. Two years old. I can't believe it. I had planned to take the kids out to eat and invited H to join in the celebration. He accepted the invite and agreed to meet us at the restaurant. After the conversation we had the other day, I was surprised he wanted to join us. I guess that is what you get when there are no expectations.

Dinner went well. The kids were happy H was there. Surprisingly enough I didn't feel nervous or awkward to be around H. I just continued to act as if and was able to keep the conversation flowing with ease. (Two weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this.) We even had an unknown elderly couple stop by and comment on our 'beautiful family'. Of course I said thank you, but on the inside I was thinking, if they only knew.

[Super Girl]

Happy birthday to your little one.

Glad to hear dinner went well. It must have been hard keeping your game face on after hearing that comment.

[Gardener]

mo3,
Good for you. Sounds as if you handled everything perfectly, taking the lead.
The elderly couple's comment was funny, though

[motherof3]

I am trying to wrap my hands around a comment H made the other day. This remark came up during our conversation surrounding the termination of our controlled separation agreement (see post dated 11/29/09 on this thread). I am not trying to read his mind. I am just trying to understand the thought process behind it. I know, I know. Don’t believe anything he says and only half of what he does. But his comment is eating at me.

He said that he doesn’t want to initiate any type of friendly contact or gestures such as conversations or lunch ‘dates’, etc. because he doesn’t want to provide me with a false sense of hope. He doesn’t want his friendliness, for a lack of a better word, to give me any type of hope that our M can be saved. I didn’t know what to say to this comment. So I replied that I have no expectations whatsoever and don’t know how things will end up. That may not have been the correct DB response, but I am not very quick on my feet. Would it have been better to say nothing at all? So what is H’s thought process here? I am stumped. If he is even hesitant to be friends first, we obviously can’t move on to any other R steps.

I am stuck here attempting the LRT with an H that isn’t interested in any R with me, GALing my heart out, acting as if, and practicing all the 180’s I can muster. I would like to think that I am the wife only a fool would leave. H just doesn’t see that yet. And with the little contact we do have, I don’t know if he will realize that until it is too late. I do feel like I have made great strides to detach. I know that I am going to be okay no matter what and already am a better person overall. I try not to set any expectations as I am tired of being disappointed. But is it okay to have hope?

[Super Girl]

But is it okay to have hope?

Jesse Jackson seems to think so. Keep hope alive! lol

Seriously, none of us would be here if we didn't have hope.

[Serenity13]

(((MO3)))

It is always ok to have hope but don't let it hold you back...I have hope my H will come to his senses one day but he has done nothing in the last 9 months (since she entered the picture) but run and I have wasted so much time "hoping" and it hasn't gotten me anywhere...

I had to really take a few days from everything (including here) to sit back and truly look within to see what I was actually doing with the hand that has been given to me...

I am so tired of the games H wants to play and the complete darkness I have encased myself in...

I finally realized that no matter what, at this time I couldn't do anything right where he is concerned - No matter of any changes I have projected, it just wasn't registering in his pea brain right now and I am ok with that...

I decided I was done twisting and turning myself inside and out - I have hope however it is no longer all I have...

No matter what happens on this journey, I am grateful I got the chance to take it because I got a chance to look within myself and make changes that benefit me and my boys in the long run - If he doesn't join us on the road later on, that is his loss and I will still be able to hold my head high and know in my heart, I did the very best I could to teach my sons how you treat people regardless of how you are being treated.

Don't allow his spew to confuse you - It is all some form of script that we have heard before - Don't worry about being "friends" right now - Worry about you and your children and let your H flounder about in his own world.

[Lll54]

I believe that hope keeps us alive. Without it, we would be a bunch of pessimistic people. I also believe that there will come a day when you in your heart know what is right and what you need to do. I feel that if the R isn't going anywhere, one day that hope will eventually switch from hope that you can R with your H, to hope that you will find the most perfect person in the world to share the REST of your life with.

[soleil]

He said that he doesn’t want to initiate any type of friendly contact or gestures such as conversations or lunch ‘dates’, etc. because he doesn’t want to provide me with a false sense of hope. He doesn’t want his friendliness, for a lack of a better word, to give me any type of hope that our M can be saved.

I think having hope is just fine. It's human nature. But I also think he's being very clear as to not wanting you to get ahead of yourself and think 100% you guys will work.
So yep, focus on the here and now and GAL. This very evening, do something that you like. Hugs.

[givingitmyall]

Hey MO3,

I've not posted a lot lately - busy and not much going on in my sitch right now.

But, I'll take a stab at your post.

I am not trying to read his mind. I am just trying to understand the thought process behind it.

Don't. Ok to be curious. But, HE probably doesn't even understand it.

So I replied that I have no expectations whatsoever and don’t know how things will end up.

Perfect response. No pressure by you.

So what is H’s thought process here? I am stumped. If he is even hesitant to be friends first, we obviously can’t move on to any other R steps.

You don't get to repairing your M until the process plays out. First comes the re-establishment of trust. And that's him trusting you. Not saying he has a reason not to trust you, but this is likely the way he feels. This can take time. Again, no pressure and take it slow.

H just doesn’t see that yet.

You hit the nail on the head. You can't make him see anything. He may see it, may not. But it's going to take time.

But is it okay to have hope?

Not only is it ok, I think it is necessary. The challenge is having hope without expectations. This involves walking the parallel paths Coach talks about - accepting the worst case scenario and keeping yourself out there for the possibility of reconciliation. You have to be strong to do this b/c you are opening yourself up to be hurt, angry, rejected. No one said this would be easy. Nothing worth fighting for is.

I hear impatience in your words and tone - and that's ok. You want to move things along. But the "things" you want to move along are out of your control.

Oh, and 99% of what your H is telling you is script. I have read the same things in other sitchs and heard the same things in my own.