First, the bad news....being sexually intimate and having an appreciable increase in sex is not likely to happen. Why? Because you've given your wife permission (and the safety) to NOT be sexually intimate with you.
....Is there any good news? Well, you have lots of time to yourself to consider who you really are, beyond who you've already been in your life and to express that.
.....As I said, I know where you are coming from and the process (and the future choices) may be pretty challenging. You may truly have to choose a sexless life or some other arrangment than you have now.
I feel your pain.
Thank you for knowing what I am feeling. I helps knowing that what I am feeling and dealing with is not unique. I read a number of posts and most of them were from people who had been married only a few years or had the stress of young children in the house. When I was there, I had the hope that things would change as the kids grew up and moved out. Now I have come to realize that I was waiting for my wife to keep her promise to me and that waiting patiently isn't going to result in my getting what I need. I realize that there must be things that I am not giving her that she needs or that there must be past pain I have caused her that has helped to create the situation we are in.
You comment about time to contemplate who I want to be is interesting. One thing that I have read and thought about is spending more quality time with myself and friends doing things that I want to do, rather than doing the things that I think my wife would like to do. There are also volunteer things I use to do that I could get back into that might serve as ways to boost myself-worth or image and help me stay more active.
As to giving my wife permission not to be sexually active, I hadn't thought of it that way.
I do understand that I really want there to be change in my relationship with my wife. Which is why I have initiated change by not having sex with her and deciding not to have sex with her for any reasong for two months. I had hoped that this might either shock her and make her question herself or make me into a challenge for her.
My hope is that prior to the end of the two months she will understand that I am changing and she either needs to change with me or watch me change and possible evolve into a life without her. I also have come to understand that if there is no desire for change by my wife or any commitment to help us (as a team) resolve some of our physical intimacy issues that I will need to end this marriage.
My intent is not to leave her in a month, but to at the beginning of next year to see about starting couples therapy with a certified sex therapist. If that fails, then my thought was to try a few more things before asking for a separation and possibly divorce.
Any suggestions on what kinds of steps might be most beneficial to saving this marriage would be appreciated.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
