Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

Guys, third post in as many hours. Ignore the above posts. I'm getting too attached to W and other things today and I'm getting annoyed. I'm looking for reasons to go into the shop that I shouldn't be. I am not strictly breaking the NC but it is still for the same reasons.

Last few days have been hard for me with the loss of my mum and the loss of my W and my D's step-mum all within a small timeframe. I feel like I'm reaching out for something to cling onto and unfortunately it's W. While I haven't contacted her, being near her gives me the same feeling.

I know it's wrong but it's how I feel just now. I am starting to feel the way I did at the beginning. Missing her in bed. Missing her around to talk to. Yada yada yada. The difference now is I have the strength to control my emotions.

I was back in the shop again today (4 times in 2 days - that's an end to it) with my D as she had to get something out of there. W wasn't there, probably on a break, but D noticed people looking at us too. She said the security guard in the shop was staring at us with her mouth open. Not sure what that means but something is wrong.

Spoke to somebody I know who works there and asked if there were any rumours as I was being stared at like a monster and she said not that she knew. I actually don't believe her but hey, what can I do.

I am feeling very angry and frustrated just now. I want to desperately contact W to find out what is going on but I won't. Maybe that's what has been done - some elaborate rumour to get me to contact her and break NC. Won't work, I promise you it won't but I do feel like it. As I said above, the difference now is that I can control my emotions and not allow them to dictate my actions. At least it's progress.