For example, if I try to fantasize about reaching over to that perfect wife (a future wife, not my current one) in bed and slowly stroking her back, the fantasy woman automatically says, "What are you doing?", or "Not tonight", or "I'm tired." It's hard to picture anything else.
This attitude is an important part of your problem. It comes from perfectly reasonable logic--it's the voice of experience talking--but it will hold you back if you try to fix your marriage. It keeps you from making a good-faith effort with your wife, and keeps you self-sabotaging to avoid the rejection you *know* is coming. And it's insidious, because even if your wife decides to try to make a change and be more open to you, she has to fight against the hundreds of times she has rejected you. This is why M. Weiner-Davis emphasizes "acting as if" and taking your spouse "at face value" even if you don't believe her--because if you reach a point where she says she wants to try, you probably won't really believe her. You've heard it all before and you know better. But although that approach is logical, it leaves her with no opportunity to make a change. Have you ever talked about that image with your wife or your various counselors?
Quote:
I have a impression (which is probably a distorted perception) that women's sexual passion, even if strong at a given moment, is in the long run fleeting, fragile, situational, flash-in-the-pan, and can disappear at any moment. Do one thing wrong, or say one thing wrong, and poof it's gone. If a woman is the least bit tired, or if anything went wrong that day, even an HD woman is totally sexless. Probably wrong, but that's my unshakeable impression.
Well, there's a grain of truth to that, though it's not that dire with everyone. But yes, her passion is fleeting and temporary and can never be taken for granted. It has to be maintained and cultivated over time. It's a hopeless cliche, but it's true.
This thread is the first time I've heard of Schnarch, so I don't have a lot to offer there.
