Sorry, Wonderful -- I'm firmly with Coach on this one. Remember, it worked for him, and he wasn't even dealing with infidelity in his sitch. How much MORE important -- necessary -- is it when there is an active affair going on?
I do agree with you on transparency, however -- that can't be insisted upon until such time as a wayward spouse wants to come back to the marriage and asks you "What do I need to do?" But on everything else, you have to take a strong stand. (NOTE: you can USE INTEL to confirm that your boundaries have been violated, and let your consequences kick in, but I don't think you can insist upon it to a spouse who is wayward, Coach, b/c they simply will not care).
I see a lot of this "I have clearly stated my position," and "She clearly knows where I stand on this issue" around here lately, and I think it's a big fallacy that needs to be addressed. A legislative body can "let the public know where they stand" on some issue, by passing a law. But until a cop somewhere ENFORCES the law, absolutely no unwanted behavior has been addressed.
Women tie their feelings of love VERY closely with their feelings of RESPECT. Until a woman can respect a man, she cannot love him (if you doubt this, just ask the women on the board). (For further reading, see "Love and Respect," by Eggerichs). Your wife will not respect you if you sit passively by with a "you know where I stand on this issue" stance, without setting and enforcing firm boundaries.
Wonderful, you give Hope4Us as an example, and his was, indeed, a Job's level of patience and unconditional love for his wife. I personally couldn't have done it, and think very, very few men could. But remember too that Hope4Us also aggressively exposed his wife's affair, including to their own older children. Having taken that strong stand, his patient, loving stance thereafter was all the more effective, and even then, he never wavered on his boundaries.
