I agree. Especially because he's an extrovert and seems to be image conscious.
OK, men.
Overview... He claims to not be in love with me anymore, but spends a great deal of time w/me w/the kids, and engages me, a lot. If he senses I'm a bit sad, or I'm hiding a reaction to something that was sad/bad, whatever, he tries to fix it (ie, suggesting we stop at a mall on the way home from a soccer tournament - he knows I like(d) to shop, keeps checking in w/my emotions, but at arms length... makes a little joke, purposely asks me questions, etc...). He, initially threatened to leave (12/07), but didn't, after the holidays, because he didn't want the boys growing up like D18 grew up having to go between homes, hating it, cutting off her Dad, etc... At one emotional point, he even told me, once he's settled all of the IRS stuff, and has us handled, he will just handle things "his way." (reeked of self-harm). (This was all PRE-DB'ing, btw...) And, don't go crazy on this topic because he's said crazy things in the past, and he's a "lasherouter," and if you ask later, he looks at you like you've grown horns.
So, here we are. He knows how deeply I'm hurting. He spends all of his time w/me w/the boys, and D18 (when she appears!) on weekends when he's home, and the nights he is home during the week. He sleeps next to me. He hugs and kisses me hello and goodbye. His hugs are genuine. His kisses, fairly robotic. DBing has been such a blessing to him. I don't "rock the applecart" anymore! I don't beg, plead, cry to him... I just suffer quietly.
And, he is a tough bugger to figure out. Everything you've said above is true. Life of the party, always the one being sought out for a laugh, help, etc... He reminds me of his Dad. Everyone would fawn over him, over ridiculous reasons. His Dad LOVED me! I would call him on it all the time. He would always kind of snicker afterward, too. Like, I had caught him in his act, and no one else had any idea what he was doing.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Mind - I think it's just what men do (or the guilty spouse) in my eyes. They feel guilt and go back and forth about what they're doing and what they really want. My H sounds like yours. My M is just going through really bad times I don't think he wants a D but he sure acts like it.
I'm so sorry you suffering inside - I feel your pain. I read a great post on my facebook this morning from a very good friend. She said something like "stop trying to figure things out, about the now, worrying about the future, if you're being the right person - just stop and be today! I needed to hear that this morning.
Hang in there girl - I and other's are listening so you aren't suffering all by yourself.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Luv! Ha! I just read on your thread about your Day For You!!
I've been sick for three weeks, and my nails need to be filled, my pedicure is starting to chip, had to cancel TWO hair appointments... !!! Yikes!
I am feeling better today, so rescheduled hair and nails for tomorrow.
I found a new exercise class that would be hard to escape, as it is next door to my boys' school(s), and starts 15 min after drop off. That's next! But, I may need to wait a few weeks.
Guilt. Yep. Over what, though? It had better just be sh*tty treatment!!!
I like your posting from fb. Ok, so, Today, I will be... Recovering (AND, laundry woman!!!).
I'm about as exciting as a root canal!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
(((((mindfull))))) OK, your H bugs me a lot, and I don't really like the conclusions I come up with.
He's worried about his image, and what people think of him. So, he doesn't want to have things that he is doing, or has done, out in the open. If he were to leave, or you were to leave, there would be questions. And things would probably come out. So, he's figured out the what he needs to do to keep you "happy", and keeps chugging along. Add to that the guilt (and I think he has reason to feel guilty), and at least one side of him is going to seem to treat you well.
The lack of intimacy is really telling, in my opinion. By all accounts, you are an attractive woman, physically attractive, smart, interesting, funny, etc..... And you are there, and you have made it clear that you are available to him. And yet.... nothing? That just screams at me! I just can't get my head around it. Two years is a long time! (OK, so is five, but the situation is a little different!) I can only see three possibilities, though I am sure there are more. Either he's in, or has been in an A, he's having some type of performance issue, or he's gay! Despite all of our claims to the contrary, I'm not sure guys are complicated enough for there to be anything else!An available, attractive woman, who happens to be our wife, in our bed... and nothing? Just doens't make sense.
So I think the question is (AFTER YOU ARE BETTER!!!!!!!!), what can you do to stir things up a bit, and try to figure out what's up? It doens't need to be anything earth shattering. But before you do anything you have to be prepared to learn what you might learn, and the consequences that might follow.
I've been reading a bit on boundaries, and really enjoying all of my feedback here. You're all making me feel like I'm as nuts as I thought...
So, I am giving myself until Monday, to sit still in my sitch, get rid of this darned pneumonia (think it's starting to leave as of this am), have a superb weekend cutting down the xmas tree and decorating w/the family (EVERYONE enjoys this!!), etc...
On Monday, before H leaves to go out of town, we will have some quiet time in the am. (I'll need help on the wording of this, MEN!) W/out further R/M discussion, and w/out telling him, we need to TALK, just TELL him, something along this line...
"H, I have a lot of emotions, forced behind a smile. I have a procedure that's fairly scary to me, and we have the holidays closing in on us. I'm likely to be more emotional than usual, and not able to force a smile as often. One thing that really hurts me is your phone being constantly glued to you. I know you've always kept it close, but I've noticed you hiding it at night, and it's never left unattended. Considering our level of intimacy right now. It adds an incredible amount of stress to my life. I can only think the worst. I need you to respect my feelings and our M, and not be so secretive with it."
I'll take some edits!
I think if I do this, in the right tone, his response will be telling. I'm not sure, though, as I don't want him to blow up, and do his little disappearing act, and add more stress to my life right now. The alternative is, I start with this right after the holidays.
I need some kind of boundary now, though. Even if it's just my expectations on his involvement w/me (not me AND the kids). The emotional intimacy is fading away... very slowly... but fading away nonetheless. His family is like this. He can NOT be like that. I hope he's just not becoming them.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
One thing that really hurts me is your phone being constantly glued to you. I know you've always kept it close, but I've noticed you hiding it at night, and it's never left unattended. Considering our level of intimacy right now. It adds an incredible amount of stress to my life. I can only think the worst. I need you to respect my feelings and our M, and not be so secretive with it."
This is a red flag. Do you have access to the phone bill or is it a work phone? What other things are bothering you about his behavior? Any other noticable changes in him the near past besides the lack of intimacy?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't have access to the phone bill. It is paid for by his company, and done via company credit card. Also, this is a bit of a red flag, but I haven't let it consume my thoughts, because he's always held it close, as he has drivers calling at all hours, txting status', etc... It just doesn't feel right anymore.
No other behaviors are odd. He is pretty much, always available when I txt or call, when he's gone. And, when I talk to him, it always "sounds" right, in the background.
I do his laundry. He leaves and returns in same clothes. Looks like he's been up for hours upon end, which he has, AND his business is busier than ever.
It might have been possible that he has done something in the past, but I can't imagine anything continuous, as he's always where he should be, and available.
But, who knows?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
mindfull, OK just sounds fishy and if it is bothering you then it needs to be addressed.
You need to have a crucial conversation with your husband. Not a bomb but a reality check.
You can handle it. Get well.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The phone was the first thing I noticed 3 years ago but I dismissed the thought because "everything else" seemed normal and "he ddnt have the time to cheat"... Sorry to say this, find out what is going on, I hope it's nothing. K
Ps Oh and when I told him back then, how come you turn it off at nights by our bed he told me "are you serious? I always did that" and I thought I imaginig things, felt guilty I didnt know my H's routines...
