Donna--finding herself #37

[hoosiermama]

Donna, I can so relate to all of this:

It is expected, an eventuality. But still hurts to feel so replaced in what was such a big part of my life - these people were my family for more than 20 years.

it hurts, because we've lost not only our nuclear family, we've lost our extended family. Whether or not you're emotionally "close" to them, you've still shared a significant part of your life and important events with them. And it hurts to think of another woman being welcomed into that circle where we used to be--especially if we were left in the dust because of her.

In my case, his family has chosen to cut me off completely, so definitely no holiday invitation; even those who weren't direct about it ("please don't contact us again--the kids might see it") don't want any contact because they "don't want to take sides." I'm taking that really to mean they don't want to be seen as taking my side. Sadly, I have no family of my own.

I hear about him, and really wonder how he did it.

they got over us because they had plenty of brain chemicals telling them there was nothing to get over, but the new thing feels really good, so it must be right. They're living a delusion, and have justified and rationalized so that they feel no grief at all.

Is this wallowing, or part of my excrutiatingly-long process? It's little things...

I felt like I was wallowing too--but I need to wallow for awhile, feel the grief--the sadness, anger, unfairness--before I can move forward. It does seem to be taking forever--but so much grief is a reflection of how much we loved.

I used to think that knowing, understanding, how all this happened would help me either fix it or accept it. It hasn't made a damn bit of difference.

I think it will make a difference in the future. Working all this through is necesssary for healing, it's just that we're not healed yet, so it's not resolved for us. One day--and I'm saying this as a leap of faith--it will make more sense somehow.