I guess I did not attach specific consequences to them. I simply stated that he should not come to our house when I am not home. (On the day he was there there were other people present.) She agreed. I left it at that. She has said in counseling that she does not have those kinds of feelings about the OM, but she is also very confused. It could re-emerge.
I feel the lines that I draw in this arena come from strength and confidence. I am not accepting this behavior, I am basically saying to her that you are going to do what you are going to do and I am going to handle it. If I am confrontational about it, then, I fall into the trap of being jealous and blowing it out of proportion. Taking the high road is much more honorable than pursuing a married woman. She will recognize this or she will not. I have said my peace on the issue to her and in counseling. It is up to her make a choice. In the meantime, I can present in a confidently and gracefully. Does this make sense?
He shouldn't come to the house EVER!
You're too nice, if this is your home, that is the boundary - the OM is never to come to the house again.
Let her shack up at the holiday inn express with the OM if she wants but she should know that he is never allowed in or near your home again.
As far as the affair, if she can't end ask her to move out and then proceed with filing for legal separation.
I think that you have to define "friendship". I bet your definition and hers are completely opposite. Many may feel that it is completely unacceptable for a married person to have a close friendship with anyone of the opposite sex besides their mate.
And while she may not have romantic feelings for her friend how does he feel? Is he trying to develop a relationship with her? Does his wife know that they are "friends". Everyone knows that if two people of the opposite sex spend enough time together, even if they aren't attracted to each other, things can happen. Especially if alone and if alcohol is involved.
Also, be careful about leaving because if things turn out for the worse your leaving the house could have a negative impact on divorce proceeding.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
Greek, Thank you. The relationship with the OM is safe and secure(on the surface). He likely agrees with her, is percieved at listening to her more than I, and only can bring her joy. He cannot hurt her(in her mind). I, on the other hand, am a danger. I can be aluff, needy, distant, angry and all kinds of other potentially negative things. In other words, I have the potential to hurt her. She is walling herself off from that pain and trading it in for a feel good relationship.
To me the OM friendship/EA is a sympthom, a byproduct, of the deterioration of our relationship which I bear equal fault. I have had issues this year with anger and resentment. I have neglected my needs and pursued hers with semi-recless abandon. The result--I have been unhappy and unpleasant to be around some of the time. BTW, I express anger through passive aggression. I have a sharp tounge when riled up. I have come to understand my anger and discovery the extend of her unhappieness. Now, she has her issued too. But I can't do much about that right now, if ever. So I view the OM as a sympthom of a deeper problem, like a fever is to an infection. Sorry for the rant. Any thoughts?
Yes, the OM is a symptom is a bigger problem. The cure is to knock out the affair first, you can't reconcile if she is in a affair.
Do the work on yourself. Read lots of threads here (go look at FutureUnkown). Watching and waiting for your wife in a affair kills your self-respect. Unconditional love with strong, healthy boundaries works. Do you think it is loving, to yourself and her, to give your tacit approval to you wife's affair?
DBing is very hard and counter-intuitive.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think the A has been clearly addressed. Of course, ultimately it is up to her. If she is a WAW, there is little more I can do than make it clear that her conduct is unacceptable and be a beacon of light. (I read a very nice post from Hopeforus on this issue.) I mean, I have spoken my truth on this topic
She came around a bit yesterday. For the last week, I have aspired to go dark. Last night she opened up about some things that were bothering her at work. I offered support and counsel but did not attempt to solve the problems. She also has asked for a large financial committment from me to grow her business. I told her we would have to discuss it. She wanted to discuss last night. I politely but firmly declined the invitation. I think this is cake eating. The hell of it is, there is no doubt in my mind that I would make the committment. Whatever our problems, however doubtful our future, and regardless of her conduct, she is my wife and I her husband. I believe a husband should support his wife. Anyway, I guess this is an example of this cake eating. I'd appreciate any input or insight anyone has to offer.
With no consequences it hasn't been addressed. Without transparency you are just naive.
Quote:
I believe a husband should support his wife.
Absolutely, when she needs help, love, patience etc. However is she acting like your wife right now? She's giving all the things that should go to her husband to another man. At this point she foregoes the other privileges that come with being your wife. She will cake-eat as long as you let her.
Your beacon of light is not attatractive to her. Imagine if the roles were reversed - would you be interested in a woman who let you carry on a affair without standing up for herself?
You don't get it yet. You will ignore, fight and dismiss the advice here because you want to be a "nice guy." Who is your wife giving her affection to right now a "nice guy" ? You might think you are being strong and honorable but what kind of man allows a predator to dishonor his wife? That's the brutal reality.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think the A has been clearly addressed. Of course, ultimately it is up to her. If she is a WAW, there is little more I can do than make it clear that her conduct is unacceptable and be a beacon of light. (I read a very nice post from Hopeforus on this issue.) I mean, I have spoken my truth on this topic
Dude, you really need to listen to these people. I read more than I post but I soak up everything they are saying. I, too, am a man of faith. Perhaps you should consider the possibility that God has led you to the teachers you need to guide you through your current crisis?
There once was a prediction of an imminent flood in Ohio. A warning was announced on the local radio and TV. The sheriff drove around to make sure everyone had evacuated the area. He came to one man’s house, found the owner still there, and told him to get into his jeep to avoid the coming flood. The man replied, “Don’t worry, the Lord will save me!”
Well, the floods came and the man had to go up to the second floor of his house. A rescue boat went by. “Get on board, the flood is going to get even worse!” the rescue worker cried out. But the man said, “Don’t worry, the Lord will save me!”
The flood did get worse! The man had to go up on his roof to avoid the rising water! A helicopter flew over his house. “Grab the rescue line,” they hollered to the man. “Don’t worry,” the man hollered back, “the Lord will save me!” The waters rose further, the man was washed away ... and he drowned!
Thankfully, the man wound up in heaven. But, when the man saw God, he strutted right up to God and said, “Why didn’t you save me? I waited for you!”
God replied, “I sent you a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter! What more did you want me to do?! All you had to do was get onboard!!”
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
I agree we will have to have transparency to restore trust in our R, of course. The problem is this: Right now, my wife is checked out of our R. It does no good to come to her and ask her to work on restoring trust the R when she is not in the R. In fact, it does harm because it looks like pursuing and attempting to talk R both of which are DB no, nos. It also would appear to be controlling, a major turn off to anyone. I can't make her work on the R. I honestly ask, what else can I do under these circumstances? My solution has been to detatch from the the R problems and focus attention on myself. I am open to suggestions but I feel I am on the correct path.
The problem is this: Right now, my wife is checked out of our R. It does no good to come to her and ask her to work on restoring trust the R when she is not in the R. In fact, it does harm because it looks like pursuing and attempting to talk R both of which are DB no, nos. It also would appear to be controlling, a major turn off to anyone. I can't make her work on the R. I honestly ask, what else can I do under these circumstances? My solution has been to detatch from the the R problems and focus attention on myself. I am open to suggestions but I feel I am on the correct path.
You have your mind made up. Open your mind.
Boundaries are about behavior. So it is not controlling, she has a choice in how she behaves. You are not going to state a demand, you are going to talk to her about what you as her husband have decided about how his wife will treat him. You are not going pursue, make demands, have a R talk or anything else you are worred about. Sound reasonable? Want to listen to what works? It will challenge your thinking.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
