I am really down right now. A part of me wants to just call it quits. Yesterday she and I went to go talk to the priest for our monthly marriage talks that we are required to have in order to get married in the Catholic church (ironically, I'm not catholic but she wants to have a catholic wedding). Anyway, the priest said something very simple yet so profound - "if you don't have love you don't have a marriage."
I don't know if there really is love in our relationship right now. I guess you can say I have a "sex starved marriage." It is not so much about the sex and affection as it is about not feeling like she really cares and wants to me to be happy. I want and try to make conversation with her about her day, but it seems like I just get blown off. Yet, she is very excited about the wedding and has gotten her whole family/friends involved. But when it comes to difficult conversations about finance, our relationship, how we are going to raise our daughter, etc - she either gets mad or avoids the issue. It is also frustrating to feel like she just doesn't care about what's going on in my life - like she doesn't make an effort to show me she loves me.
I am just so confused. I love my wife so much and I want nothing more than to be a family again. I love being with my daughter and finally being able to wake up with her and play with her any time I want. Yet, I don't want to settle. I want to have a fulfilling and loving relationship - one where both parties make the effort.
Well, I just had to get that off my chest. Will write later. Faithful H, Lodo, Forward and every one else that has helped in the past - hope all is well.
listen to yourself. you come on here whining that you divorced your wife and now you're whining that you have her back. What do you want? Seriously - what exactly is it that you want? If there's no love, then why haven't you fostered it? Asked for it? Seduced her?
if you think it's all roses, forget it. no relationship is perfect. she'll never be your ideal and you'll never be hers. that said, the question becomes one of how much you're willing to compromise. Given that you don't really know what else is out there and you have a child with this woman, are you really ready to say you're positive you don't want this to work? Because ultimately that's what divorce comes down to - one partner decides they're no longer willing to make it work. And then the R ends and often there's no going back even if D was a mistake. Last time you made that choice, you reversed yourself immediately.
Listen, LNMW, I like you. Not sure why, but I do. But you're starting to come across as wishy-washy and naive. If there are problems, delve deeper. This is the first time you've mentioned "sex-starved". To me, that suggests that there's a lot more going on than you've let on to. Much more to address. Is that an angle that needs to be pursued? Is there issue avoidance going on between the two of you? What is she contributing to this whole mix? What would she say about YOUR actions? How about the friend - have you told her exactly how you feel about him? Can you truly appreciate and learn from why she might find him more stable than you?
I think you and she will form a strong and lasting union - once you learn to communicate to each other what it is you want, what it is that strikes fear in your heart, and what makes you uncomfortable. Bond with her if you want to make it work. Make her feel special and tell her what she needs to do to make you feel special in return. And be forgiving of those times when she doesn't do it, because she's probably forgiven you for the same thing.
I'm just saying. But let me mention, I've been on the other side and after two go rounds, there's no way in h*ll I'm letting my XW anywhere near my heart. She's cut off. Forever. Even though she is now behaving like she wants my support, understanding, and love - she'll continue to be alone. My XW treated me like you've said you've treated your XW. Your XW could decide the same as I have, so make sure what you want is what you want.
lodo
PS - sorry if this is harsh. I want you to succeed. I know it's hard. I know women can be frustrating and confusing. All you can do is be very, very clear about what you want and be very forthright and giving in order to foster a love that might encourage someone to want to return the same to you. If something bothers you, work it out but don't beat it to death. And if it isn't right, it isn't right. Move on and don't look back. Good luck.
sorry to hit you with such a big 2x12. Was thinking about your sitch again and am wondering if you're seeing a counselor - either personal or marriage. It would probably help a lot. In fact, you really should go to one with your x/soontobe wife before getting married again.
Also, have you looked in on the threads in the sex-starved marriage forum? It might help to read and ask some questions there. Dance Queen always offers really spot-on advice. Why don't you ask her about your sitch?
Hi Lodo, No need to apologize. I don't mean to complain and whine, it's just that right now I am not happy with the situation. I love my ex a lot and I want nothing more than to have it work out between us. Right now it seems like it is one sided and no matter what I do, she seems to find fault and bring in my past. What's worse, is that she is beginning to say put downs that really hurt.
Here are some examples. Last Sunday we were driving to the grocery store when she told me to turn left but I didn't quite hear her so I went straight. She got extremely upset and told me that I don't listen, that I frustrate the heck out of her, that I must be stupid, etc. I told her I that I was sorry and didn't mean anything of it. Needless to say, we didn't go to the grocery store that day because she told me that want to put up with someone who doesn't know what they are doing. Unfortunately, that lead to a huge argument. I told her that I didn't appreciate her putting me down like that and that we need to show each other respect and value our feelings. That lead to her telling me that I don't care about her feelings, etc. From there, it just got ugly, with her telling me that I was the one who screwed up and that I am the problem in the relationship, etc.
The other day we sat down to discuss the finances of the wedding and I told her that I couldn't afford to pay for 90% of the wedding and that if she could help contribute more. That lead to a fight about finances. Although I do make about 2 times as much as she does, I am currently paying all the bills and getting little to no help from her at all. I even help pay some of her bills. I told her that I was trying to be fair and honest, but she took it as if I didn't care about having a wedding. I am always soft spoken whenever we are disagreeing, but she gets upset real easily and starts shouting and yelling. Well, at the end of the conversation she told me that she is never going to help me financially and that all her money was going to go to her. I replied in returned that she just wanted a "free ride."
She was really hurt by that statement and slapped twice in the face as she starting crying. She told me that she had to put up with a lot of crap when we first got married and that I had no right to tell her that she is getting a free ride. I can truly understand why she was hurt and why she slapped me. But what about the things she said? Am I simply to take it because of what I did in the past or do I have the right to say, "hey, yes I did screw up in the past but that is the past and that gives you no right to treat me like that, etc."
We had several similar arguments and no matter how much I try to be rationale and calm, she always throws it in my face that I was the one who messed up the marriage. I try to tell her that this is a team effort and that we both need to learn to communicate and work things out as a team. Her reply is that she is not the problem and that I am the one who needs to change.
What hurts is that this week and has been using our daughter as a weapon against me. Several times this week I was spending time with our daughter when she came into the room and grabbed our daughter away from me. She told our daughter that daddy doesn't love her and for her not to spend time with me until I change. She then started to tell me that I was bi-polar and that she will not marry me until I get a complete psychological exam. She has said/done similar things several times this week. I can understand being mad at me, but she didn't have to tell me daughter that I didn't love her. Several times when we were arguing she told me that if it didn't work out between us, that she was going to make sure that I didn't she our daughter again.
Can you see now why I am whining and complaining? I know she is still hurting from the past, but does that give her the right to treat me like crap? I am honestly trying to make it work out between us and I am trying to compromise. But is peace at all cost really peace at all? If I can't have an opinion, a suggestion or simply a conversation about what is on my mind without her getting upset, then at what point do I say enough is enough.
I know I am far from perfect. You asked me what it was that I want. The simply answer is to love and be loved. I am trying to love her, to please her, to make her happy. But I also expect the same from her. She does make an effort at times, but most of the time it is on her schedule, based on what she wants/feels at the time. She makes every excuse why she isn't affection and is the first female I know that doesn't like to make conversation about what happened to each of our days.
These last two days have been rough and I have been doing a lot of crying. It is obvious to her that I am depress and she tells me she doesn't understand why I am down when I caused all the pain. Right now she is not even talking to me. I have been sleeping on my daughter's bed at night for the last week. Last Saturday I wanted to do something special for her, so I got her a bunch of red balloons and arranged them nicely all over the house. I had the lights dim and candles on. I wrote her a love letter and placed it somewhere where she could see it. She came him and that first thing that comes out of her mouth was, "oh, you didn't buy me a gift." I didn't say anything, but really hurts.
So this leads me to what I should do. She has agreed to go to marriage counseling. I wanted to use our of the DB coaches, but she refuses to use someone over the telephone. At this point, I am willing to go to Colorado and pay whatever fees I have to do have us do a one on one session with Michelle Weiner-Davis. I am not ready to give up. I want to make sure that I can say that I did everything I can to make it work.
I am so tempted to call off the wedding until we get our issues worked out, but I already know that nothing good would come out of that.
I think at this point I need to focus on those things I was doing that got her to fall in love with me again. FaithfulH once told me that the time to focus on my needs wasn't now. That I had to be patient and continue to focus on making her happy regardless of if she returns the love to me. In short, I have to prove to her that I love her unconditionally without getting so needy. Actions, not words. That is perhaps my only real hope of saving our marriage and hoping that she realizes that I really love her. Only then perhaps will she start to express her love towards me rather than hide it behind a wall out of fear or the need to protect herself. I had hope that she would begin to trust me again and right now I feel like all my past efforts are for nought. That I someone have to start all over with this DBing. Well, I will right more.
Lodo, thanks again for the advice. Take care. I can really use some good guidance here.
I can see why you're upset and I'm sorry if I came down too hard on you - I was a bit frustrated from the vestiges of my own sitch. That said, I think the two of you REALLY need to see a counselor. There's nothing wrong with seeing someone who can help mediate the situation and make sure each of you is hearing and understanding the other.
You and your XW know each other well enough that you probably already have ingrained patterns of reacting. The fact that you divorced her after your child was born is a really big deal and she's always going to run back to that when she gets frustrated. And you probably aren't understanding how much that affected her and are frustrated that she can't give you more despite her fears. So it becomes a vicious circle. A counselor is the best chance you have of overcoming that and learning to communicate in more effective ways.
Do you get counseling as part of your health benefits at work? You should look into it. And if you go that route, be prepared to do some research. I went to 3 different counselors and they were all bad - price I payed for not asking around a bit.
I also REALLY recommend you ask DanceQueen to weigh in on your sitch. I think she'd have some really good insight that might help you get past this rough start. She's usually over on the Sex-starved marriage thread up towards the top of the forums list.
Remember, you aren't falling in love like it's the first time, you're trying to piece a marriage back together. It's an uphill fight and the dynamics will always be unique. But you did a great job of getting to this point, so have some patience and try to become a better communicator. Saying reactionary things that make her feel bad won't help. Instead, learn to voice what you need to feel part of a couple, state but don't try to defend how you feel, and strive to understand why you feel the way you do and why she feels the way she does. You need to be understanding of the damage that's been done, but don't just swallow everything - that's not healthy. Learning to be a good communicator means being open to what the other has to say but still maintaining your own beliefs and boundaries.
Go to a counselor. They'll help with the forward momentum and help show her she needs to accept the responsibility for her own actions, as you are accepting yours.
I definitely want to go to counseling. My ex has agreed to go, but she told me she is only going so the counselor can tell me I am in the wrong. I was off today and when she came home, she completely acted like I was not there. No hellos, how I'm doing, anything. Then later tonight I was lying down on my bed and she told me to get out of her room so she could sleep. I asked her if anything was wrong, because I felt that she was blowing me off. She told me that she is not obligated to spend time with me and that I needed to get out of her room.
That is just upsetting. We are not even married nor does she pay any of the bills, yet she has the audacity to see that our room is her room only. I hate this neglect. It is as if she has gone cold stone on me. Today I had the entire house cleaned, dinner made and yet none of that mattered to her. On top of that, she came home a lot latter than usual and didn't bother to tell any one.
I really want this relationship to work, but I feel as if we just got a divorce yesterday and somehow there is this big wall between us. She is like a light switch. One day is fine and the very next moment she can be upset amount the littlest thing.
At this point, I am thinking about writing her a letter and basically telling her how I feel about the relationship. No attacks, blame or anything like that. But I want her to know that I love her a lot and that I want us to bond. I want her to know that I am hurt that I am getting blown off and tired even being blamed and put down for every little thing. I know I need to give this some thought as far as what to say.
I am so close to just calling this quits. I know that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but at least there will be grass. I feel like I am in the desert, begging for just a little water from the relationship. I know that I screwed up in the relationship and that she has even right to not forgive me. But I feel like I am being mislead into thinking that she wants to marry me and have a serious relationship.
Lodo, I will definitely give DanceQueen a buzz. Thanks again for the support and advice.
I think in the end, all we can do is become the best version of ourselves and hope that the other person will come around and love who that person is. Only time will tell I guess
LMNW, I bet your W has not fully processed the anger that she probably has had for you since you left. I can tell you that since I last posted to you, I have been divorced, and the anger is deep, as is the hurt. Being abandoned with a small child was devastating to me. I would have been happy if now-X H had come back, but I recognize the difficulty of being forgiving. I recommend that you read some books about forgiveness and consider what you need to do to make it easier for her to forgive you.
Although you haven't said if there was an A, that adds to the intensity of emotions. I felt as if XH drove a truck over me, backed up and hit me again and drove off laughing.
You say she doesn't care. In a weird way, perhaps she is testing you to see if you will consistently be with her.
"It is also frustrating to feel like she just doesn't care about what's going on in my life - like she doesn't make an effort to show me she loves me. "
Oh man. I hate to say this, but I get this, I do. I mean, she probably felt that from you after you left in a way you might not ever be able to understand.
Maybe there is a sense of "See? This is how I felt." Perhaps you have not talked through things as much as she needs.
You can postpone. You can hold off.
Forgiveness takes time. Perhaps you have not earned it. Perhaps she needs to let go of some things, too. She is still hurt. You have to understand that at this point, all the apologies in the world would not make it easy for me to trust my X again. Frankly, it would be foolish to trust too quickly.
Perhaps she will admit that she needs more time, too. And maybe she's not so sure about things herself. I can tell you that you don't get tons of support for getting back together with an X and not many people supported my DBing.
It has not been that long. Be lovers again, take your time.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
And LMNW, I would be angrier still if X came back and didn't really understand my anger and was crying and expecting me to deal with HIS feelings all the time. To be honest, just thinking about it really kind of ticks me off.
It took years to get to this situation. Give the situation the time it deserves to rebuild. You are in the early stages of rebuilding when it comes right down to it.
I feel that because X moved out and abandoned me and DD, DD and I have developed a special bond--one that is close but that also has some tension because DD does not have tantrums w/X. So while I would not say that the way she is acting with your DD is good, you need to recognize that you are, in some ways, still an outsider to your own family. You cannot change your X and you can only work on yourself and how you respond to her.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
