Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Thanks Jack. I need alot of support right now b/c my head is spinning.

H decided he wanted to talk last night. I talked myself out of thinking the worst so I wouldn't mind-read or set myself up.

H said he'd come to some decisions and decided he was going to move out and wanted a divorce. He's the kind of person who likes to check things off his "to-do" list so just staying separated wasn't concrete enough...he wants to move on with his life and face is fears(of being alone) and be a man.

I asked him if he felt this was more about him and less about us and he thought so.

So, I can see the positives of him moving out, for him and me and the girls...but the finality of getting a divorce is what scares me to death. I don't think H will be one of those MLCers that waffles-I think he'll start getting busy today to find a place to move(most likely his cousin's for now) and find a lawyer..

I called in sick today b/c I've cried so much I can barely see straight. And I don't feel like pretending things are fine at our holiday lunch/gift exchange today! LOL

I've gone through all the stages of loss in the last 12 hours.

I feel exhausted just trying to think of all the logistical/schedule/money changes that will have to happen in separating our lives.

H cancelled our marriage counseling session that was for Friday-I'm going to see if I can see the same therapist on my own.

H did say the realization he needed to move on came gradually over the last few weeks-my intuition was right on there...

In a way, H now seems his normal rational, kind, self right now(he held my hand all night)-which I think makes me wonder if the fog lifted and my ending is this-divorce.

H did say his therapist made a point of saying nothing is permanent-that people marry and divorce and remarry all the time.

Any words of wisdom out there?