Well, I was wrong. I didn't think she'd be so childish, but when I arrived at the parent teacher conference, she took the kids and left. She looked like a wreck, like she got little sleep and had been crying. She didn't look at me, and barely said a word.
I don't understand. She left me, she cheated on me, she told me our marriage was over. Why is she so upset? I said I didn't consider anything that happened to be unforgivable, I offered my hand back to her, she refused to take it. Why is she so upset?
Either she has serious doubts about whether she actually wants a divorce, or she just wants to make sure it happens on her terms and her convenience, and doesn't like having the reins taken from her. I don't know which it is, but maybe this will help me find out.
I'm feeling pretty strong, but I do have occassional doubts and fears flashing into my mind. What if I am being a jerk? What if she just needed some more time? What if this is just driving her back into OM's arms? I can't let that stuff take root! I'm starting to realize just how well she had broken down my trust in my own gut feelings. I have to get that back.
Another tidbit I've not mentioned so far in all this is that I am the second husband to my W, and I'm now remembering our early courtship from a MUCH different viewpoint. My W was legally separated from her first H when I met her. I had no experience with anything like that, so I took what she told me as fact. Her first marriage was miserable and a failure, she left, and it was for the best. Her first H lived a couple hours away, so I never saw him. He was just a name I ocassionally heard mentioned, and I had no feelings about him whatsoever. I do know my W did not finalize their divorce until she and I were engaged, and I know when she met with him to sign the final papers, he still groveled to her and asked for her back. Again, I had no real feelings about it at the time, it was something outside of my life. I certainly look back on it with clarity now though. I will NOT let that be me.
My W likes me, enjoys my company, thinks I'm a good father, but she told me there is an emptiness inside her where I should be. I am 99% sure that place is where her respect for me belongs. Re-establishing and maintaing her respect for me is the only hope I have for reconciliation. The way we were going, even if she decided to come back, for the kids, for financial reasons, for my companionship, that respect would not have been there, and our M would be hollow. I believe this is our ONLY hope for true reconciliation.
