S7's having to go through the detachment process as much as me, and it really hurts me to watch that. All I can do is be there for him, love him and reassure him that we'll be O.K. no matter what. We spent about 2 hours last night making paper snowflakes, and putting them up on the wall for decoration. He'd never made them before, and was thrilled to see how different each one we made turned out. I know that I'll never regret the memories that I'm building with my only son, who'll be 7 years old only for this one Christmas.
As much bashing as my self-esteem has taken by being betrayed by the woman I loved and trusted, I've always had one thing to fall back on...I'm a d@mn good father, and no one can take that pride away from me. This is something that even during our worst verbal battles, W agrees is true. I am human, and I make mistakes, but I keep on doing my BEST to fulfill his needs from me as a parent and role model.
I've got an advantage here over W. I had a excellent childhood, with loving parents who are still happily together after 40+ years. Who were excellent role-models who taught me more than I ever realized until I had my own son. They still show me SO MUCH love and support to this very day. W can't say any of that.
W has more or less followed in her parent's footsteps. At 36 (W's age), W's mother and father started cheating on each other (W was 7 at the time). They split. W went with mother, who married different OM and took off with her to Alaska. To this day, mother and father can't speak or even be in the same room together. Not an ideal learning environment for future parenting. The cycle continues, but it'll be a cold day before I let her allow it rotate one more turn.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Very pleasant interaction with W this morning. She showed up about 15 minutes early, which is unusual. It was her first time over to the house in a week, and I she definitely noticed how much different things were. The normally cluttered and dirty house was very clean and neat, the Christmas decorations were up, and s7 and I were in good spirits. She greeted S7 with hugs and he showed her the snowflakes that we had made together, decorating a big wall. I took her back to the bedroom and showed her where I had carefully packed all the stuff that was in her bathroom, in case she needed to get to any of it. She made a comment about how our bed looked so much more comfortable than the one she was sleeping in. No comment from me. She saw that I was working on the master bathroom renovation again, and was quite impressed with the fact that I was finally getting it finished. More than once, she said "Wow, this place really looks great." She asked why I didn't do any of this when she was still here. I told her that I never claimed to be without flaws, and that I was doing what I can to improve myself, including following through on projects that I've started. Told her that no matter what future lies ahead, that s7 and I would be O.K. and would continue to live the best lives we can. You could tell she was really trying to process the 180s.
After spending some time with S7, telling him how much she missed him, W sat down with me for about 15 minutes before I left for work. She reiterated how much she missed S7, talked about her job a little, mentioned how depressing it was to have Thanksgiving alone. She said she had finally taken her first bass guitar lesson, which was something she's talked about doing for nearly 10 years. I told her I was proud of her for sucking it up and working so hard at a job that I felt was beneath her, and for finally starting to do some of the things she's wanted to do for a long time. She told me she really missed me, to which I just responded "I understand that feeling quite well." We continued with a little more small talk until I stood up and said I had to head to work. She got up, walked to the door with me and gave me a big hug. I went into S7's room to tell him goodbye and she followed me into there and sat down with him. As I left the room, W calls out "See you tomorrow morning, I love you." That was the first time she's said that in weeks. I was already down the hall, and I just responded "Cya then" and left for work.
All in all, a very nice short visit. It was great to have interaction with W with no negativity. No R talk...no financial talk. I was pleased for her to recognize some of my 180s both in my attitude and physical things I'd done. I think that it was very obvious that I was moving on with or without her. I was also very happy to see her obvious joy at seeing S7 again.
As much as I'd love to read all kinds of things into the visit...I'm not. I'm just going to take it for what it is and just keep on doing what I'm doing.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
This morning when W came over to the house, we made small talk for a few minutes. She mentioned that she had her IC appointment today, so I wrote her a check for the copay. When I handed the check to her, I told her calmly "The last weekly check ("allowance") that I will be giving you will be on Jan 1st. I will pay December's truck payment, but then you'll need to take over those and the insurance in January. Luckily, the truck payment isn't due until the 27th, so you'll have nearly two months before you'll need to pay it." W didn't act angry or anything, but I could tell it stunned her.
I told W that she had asked me to give her a month's notice before discontinuing the financial support, so I was doing as she asked. She remained calm, but was obviously panicking in her head, as she was taking in the reality of the situation. She asked about the televisions, and I told her she could take the bedroom TV if she wanted (27"), or she could haul out the 34" in my garage office. Didn't offer up the 34" in the living room, as it's S7's main TV for programs and Wii.
She mentioned that she didn't even have a bed (she's sleeping on her roommate's D6 bed right now). W had "loaned" out a very good futon mattress to a friend a while back and had asked for it back, but never went and picked it up. I told her that she could get in touch with friend and retrieve it.
Throughout the discussion, everything remained calm. We went into S7's room for me to say my goodbyes and then told W to have a good day and left for work.
I know that this severing of financial aid is going to put her in a VERY bad place, which will likely work against me. Our state/county is a community property place, so I could imagine her looking favorably towards D in order to have our property split up evenly, so she can survive. The reality is that with our outstanding debts (also split 50/50) far outweighing our assets, I don't think W will get what she might think she would out of it.
I'm afraid that desperation on her part will end up turning this into a very nasty scenario. But she's given me no indication whatsoever that she wants to work on our M or be a part of our family again. Therefore, I'm not going to continue to assist her financially, particularly when she is still in contact with OM.
I'm glad I finally had the guts to tell her that I'm cutting off the last of her support, but I'm scared of what's to come, and less hopeful than ever.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
You probably don't want to make divorce too much of a financial gain for her. A lawyer would probably be able to let you know what is reasonable. I see a lot of hope in your sitch. Your post from yesterday reminds me a lot of where I was a few months ago. Keep working on the house and yourself; she is watching you.
This morning when W came over to the house, we made small talk for a few minutes. She mentioned that she had her IC appointment today, so I wrote her a check for the copay. When I handed the check to her, I told her calmly "The last weekly check ("allowance") that I will be giving you will be on Jan 1st. I will pay December's truck payment, but then you'll need to take over those and the insurance in January. Luckily, the truck payment isn't due until the 27th, so you'll have nearly two months before you'll need to pay it." W didn't act angry or anything, but I could tell it stunned her.
I told W that she had asked me to give her a month's notice before discontinuing the financial support, so I was doing as she asked. She remained calm, but was obviously panicking in her head, as she was taking in the reality of the situation. She asked about the televisions, and I told her she could take the bedroom TV if she wanted (27"), or she could haul out the 34" in my garage office. Didn't offer up the 34" in the living room, as it's S7's main TV for programs and Wii.
She mentioned that she didn't even have a bed (she's sleeping on her roommate's D6 bed right now). W had "loaned" out a very good futon mattress to a friend a while back and had asked for it back, but never went and picked it up. I told her that she could get in touch with friend and retrieve it.
Throughout the discussion, everything remained calm. We went into S7's room for me to say my goodbyes and then told W to have a good day and left for work.
I know that this severing of financial aid is going to put her in a VERY bad place, which will likely work against me. Our state/county is a community property place, so I could imagine her looking favorably towards D in order to have our property split up evenly, so she can survive. The reality is that with our outstanding debts (also split 50/50) far outweighing our assets, I don't think W will get what she might think she would out of it.
I'm afraid that desperation on her part will end up turning this into a very nasty scenario. But she's given me no indication whatsoever that she wants to work on our M or be a part of our family again. Therefore, I'm not going to continue to assist her financially, particularly when she is still in contact with OM.
I'm glad I finally had the guts to tell her that I'm cutting off the last of her support, but I'm scared of what's to come, and less hopeful than ever.
PERFECT. Precisely how it's done. Great job!
You might want to follow up with her in writing, to confirm what you told her verbally, just to CYA. You don't want her claiming later on that "He gave me no notice!" or something.
You are letting her face the financial consequences of her runaway decision. As Greek would say: "Big-girl panties."
Should I keep this written confirmation just short and to the point? Just repeating that as I had told her, the financial assistance will end on Jan 1, and that she will be responsible for the truck payments/insurance starting in Jan? Do I need her to sign it or anything, or just make sure she has a copy tomorrow morning?
I do want her to face the full financial consequences of her decision, but with us still being married, do I OWE her anything? She is the one who had/has the A and walked out of our lives? She has the choice to decide if she wants to be a part of this M and family. S7 lives with me full-time, so I know there aren't any obligation as far as child-support under the current situation. I guess I need to contact my lawyer again and ask this question, but if anyone else has had experience with this type of sitch, I'd be interested in hearing how you handled it.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Yes, keep it brief and to-the-point. "Less is more." It should be a COURTEOUS read, tho -- matter-of-fact. You don't want to come off like an ass. If you want, you can run it by us first.
Take the opportunity that this WILL be in writing, to state that you "will continue to meet the family's needs and obligations," as a CYA. Which kind of goes to "what you owe her" question.
Legally, a family court judge may end up ruling for her to be able to continue "in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed," and that can easily include both wants AND needs. But until that is ordered of you, I would strongly encourage you to meet ONLY the "needs" portion of that, and certainly NOTHING that constitutes ANY enabling of her decisions to run away from the marriage and the family.
When in doubt, err on the side of generosity, with that last noted part as the exception, of course.
Feeling really rotten today. I should be proud of myself for finally standing up for myself an S7 and setting a new boundary "I won't continue to finance you when you have no interest in working on M, and are continuing contact with OM", not that I said it in those terms (didn't mention R or OM at all). But, I don't feel proud at all.
I just want to scream at her "This doesn't have to be this way! You have a husband and son who love you! You have a family who wants you to be a part of our lives!!"...but I won't.
This is so hard!! Last night when putting S7 to bed, saying prayers (for Mommy too), son asked me "Why don't you just get a new wife?". He mentioned that when W's roommate and her D6's father broke up that he thought that W and I would never break up, but since W broke up with me, I should find someone else. I told him that I wasn't ready to give up on W yet...and couldn't think of anything else to tell him. If it was only that easy!
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Thanks Puppy. I'll see if I can draft something tonight and run it past the forum. My understanding from my initial consult with lawyer is that my state does not have "alimony" or anything like that (except in very rare circumstances, like a 65+ yo wife who's been prevented from working her whole life), but I'll need to clarify that. I've left a message for atty to call me, so hopefully I'll be able to find out more soon.
As far as the "will continue to meet the family's needs and obligations" part...does that include W? I guess I'm still a little unclear. I'm continuing to meet the obligations and needs of myself and S7, which I guess is "the family" at this point, since she has decided to no longer be a part of it. But, we are still legally married, so I don't know if W would be considered part of "the family" or not.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
