#67 Cant find my "pieces"

[saffie]

Kalni

What I meant about dark thoughts was that I feel I am not strong enough to deal with them as you seem to be, even if they are rare for you now. Maybe I am one of those bitter persons that cant forgive...Maybe I am just weak.

I don't believe this. I think that your H is just not showing enough remorse and being open enough with you for you to be able to trust him and let him 'hold' your heart again. It is VERY scary and you have already been hurt badly.

Even though I had/have dark thoughts, my H DID open up completely and gave me access to everything. Although it made him very uncomfortable and he felt he was being continually tested, he became 100% transparent. I could not have dealt with it otherwise. In the end he even had to stop travelling with work because I would go crazy not being able to trust him. However, because he did want things to work he adjusted himself to accomodate my paranoia. That is what your H seems not to be doing.

One thing that did help my H understand that he needed to be so open etc. even though it made him feel uncomfortable, was reading about healing from infidelity. I am trying to remember exactly which book it is.....and I am not 100% sure..... but I think there might have been a bit in the 'Just Good Friends' book that was for the cheating spouse to read. It explained some of the ways the LBS might be feeling and why they needed certain things 'doing' in order to regain trust. I know my H felt shamed by what he had done and would rather have just tried to brush it all under the carpet, but he also realised I needed him to help me through it even though some of my questions/demands seemed a bit strange to him.

I drove him to the airport. Very hard thing for me. People that went with him, know her very well. They have seen her in trips, had dinner with her, not as his GF, but I am sure not everybody is stupid as I was. And thinking what crosses their minds looking at me, made me sick. I had to leave the group while waiting for him to check ina couple of times not to scream at him that this is all so absurd. People kept talking about previous trips where she was with him, mentioning little incidents, funny ones, just conversing. I wanted to disappear.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

I know these feelings SO well. My H is CEO of his Co. and all his staff did know about his A. He had even had me go to social functions when OW was there and everyone else knew about the A but me. I HATE his Co., and by default I dislike his staff; not one had the guts to tell me what was happening, ( even though after it was over and I had gotten rid of OW several told me what a relief it was she was gone). I know I shouldn't feel uncomfortable with them, or even dislike them, as it was my H and OW that were in the wrong, but I DO feel that way. I have no choice about it as it pays my family's upkeep and we live a good life - but I hate it.

Even if people DO know about your H's OW, the chances are they did not like the sitch and they felt uncomfortable. Hold your head up high- YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.

Maria, what do you need to see from your H in order for you to feel he is really committed to making this work?