bluerain, I see what you are saying, but honestly, the last thing I think she is seeing in me is "a strong man, that turns her on"!!! I think she sees me as a monster, that is just doing this to hurt her, not take care of the family, even thought hat is exactly what I did. This is so hard to do. I dunno.
bridge-been gone 9 months. M was, I thought, pretty strong when I left.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Ok, your probably right about her not being even concerned with whether or not you are a turn on right now, but I am positive that a strong man is more attractive than a pathetic, desperate doormat.
And everything that I said about protecting yourself still applies. You cannot allow her to just push you around here.
I know that its scary, and I know that it seems counterintuitive, but you need make sure that you are in the best posistion that you can be.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
bluerain, I have done just about everything I can do to protect myself, except hire legal counsel-which I will be visiting on my R & R for advice. I really feel so much more in "control" of myself, and am steadily gaining the self-confidence I had lost a long time ago. You would think I was pretty self-confident considering my profession and position in it, but I was really lacking there. I am working on that, and I have to remind myself daily that I am a good man/father. You are right, this is damn hard work, but work I am willing to put in nontheless. I have to tell you, I have served in 2 wars, 6 deployments, and various other conflicts, but NOTHING I have been through compares to what I am dealing with right now. I think it would be much easier just to give up, and let her have her divorce, but I would like to keep my family together, I think it is very important in the rearing of children to have a stable home. Although, being Military kids, there really is no such thing as stability as far as their dad goes-you know? But, I do the absolute best I can. That is where the W comes into play, but she isn't fulfilling that role right now, instead, she is assuming the role of teenage girl. So hard to understand and deal with...
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Reading your last reply, you have so much to be proud of, reasons to like yourself for who you are. Don't let someone else ever, ever take that away from you.
One way or another, this process is going to work out for our good.
Good, I posted on someone elses thread today that I think that in these terrible situations, we gain a lot for ourselves, perspective, patience, humility. Personally, my perspective is about 180 deg. from where it started 2 years ago, and Im a better person, and someday will be a better wife again, for it.
I was an Army brat, and later a military spouse, so I know what your saying. I think that all you can do for sure for those boys is make sure that they know that you will always do your best to support them, like you said, you already have done that.
Regaining control and detaching from your situation are what you need to be focusing on right now. Detaching will help you focus on where you are now.
I hope that things get easier for you SD.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thank you so much Tulsa, I really appreciate the kind words. I am proud of what I do/am, but I want to share that with someone-W, and can't. That is the hard part, accepting the hard, cold reality that my W isn't going to be there when I get off the plane to wlecome me home-THAT stings. But, hopefully (knocks on head/wood), my boys will be, and I will be fine. I also know that a year, 6 months, whenever, I will look back at this time, and appreciate what I have gone through, and my accomplishments. Thanks again.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
bluerain, thank you. Control and detachment are the 2 things I AM working so hard on. I find myself slipping from time to time, but always find a way to pull myself up by my boot straps and dust myself off. I am really looking forward to seeing my boys, and spending as much time with them as possible. Everything else takes a back seat to my boys. I think the unknown is what I worry too much about. I have got to let go of that, and just accept and deal with whatever is thrown my way. My job in all of that, is to be like teflon, let the good things stick, and the rest slide right off. I am so glad that I found this site, and all of you.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
You're sitch is far from over. Hate to tell ya that but you're gonna grow and grow some more!
Blue Rain, I was a military brat from birth to age 25. Born in Thailand, live in S. Korea 6 years, been to Japan as well as army towns in Lawton, OK, Killeen, TX, Richmond, VA, Cleveland, OH
Great life for a kid. Never did join up myself but lived on bases for much of my life and have a deep respect for the military.
Tulsa, I know. I think I have the rose colored glasses on. I think I am convinced, that the worst thing that is going to come out of this is, I will be a divorced father of 2 teenage boys. The emotional damage will heal, in time, I'm sure. I think all of WANT things to proceed quickly, which ever way they are going to go. But, the harsh reality is, it is going to take time. I mean, in my sitch, she could of filed yesterday after she found out about the account-I don't know. I do have a question. If she does file, do I have to accept it? Do I HAVE to accept being divorced? I mean is that even possible? Can't they just give it to her, based on the fact I won't cooperate? Sounds crazy, but I believe she will have legal counsel soon.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Depends on what state you live in. I live in a no fault state, so there is nothing I can do to stop it, even if I don't sign. In other states, it takes much longer and some things, such as infidelity matter when it goes to court. Some states order marriage counselling. In most, if not all cases though, you cannot stop it from happening.
The process will take several months at least and an attorney can delay it as well. Take heart, in my sitch, my wife was full speed ahead for a D. Filed in June, first court date in July which temp. custody orders were set. Then went to parenting class.
The only thing we disagree on is the split of the kids and she can end this. I even told her I'd compromise a little with that. It's now December and I've heard nothing further so as far as I know, we're still married. I'm going to call the courthouse just to doublecheck the status this month.
My point is, my W was spewing threats and had moved very quickly in the beginning, now things have slowed way down in that regard. There's hope, and I think you're handling things as best as can be expected.
Puppy, Coach, Greek and Gnosis are good conselors. I also like Robx, Gucci and Steve McQueen's perspectives as well.
