Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Coach]

So coach yourself up. It helped me when someone taught me to view my sitch as if I was looking at it as a third party viewing it in a fishbowl. Total change of perspective.

[SoldierDad]

I will/am. I have been doing a lot of reading in the forums, and am amazed at the similarities in everyones sitch. I never imagined myself in this sitch, in a million years before I deployed. As a matter of fact, I briefed my Soldiers that some of them would get divorced, their wives would leave them etc. I never thought it would happen to me. Is nothing sacred anymore? What is in the water to make these WAS do this? What is so hard about going to counseling/therapy and at least TRYING to work on the R/M? I just don't get it. My W is completely closed down to going to counseling-never even considered it. I just don't understand it.

[mindfull]

SoldierDad - re: counseling/therapy to TRY. My H feels the same way... won't even consider it. I KNOW it's because he doesn't want to hear things he will be told, or asked to think about... Wouldn't make them wrong, or feel guilt, or take away from their fantasy future existence?

[Bridgestone]

I e-mailed her back with the regulation, page number etc. She simply wrote back - ok noted.

Hmmm; sounds like she's DBing.

You'd be wise to do the same.

Puppy

I know Greek suggested a similar response to one of her request earlier in the week... did you respond that way; "OK, noted"?? So she's just giving you what you're giving.

Or

maybe she's reading along here.. given her drastic change in behaviour, she knows what you're going to do before you even do it and expects it..and was just giving you back some of the advice you'd been given.

Either way.. her response, given her spew earlier, surprised me a *great* deal & I've read a lot on these boards in the past 2 years... something doesn't smell right... besides the obvious.

Peace
Bridge

[SoldierDad]

Hmmmm, well, that makes perfect sense. Maybe they don't want to go because they know don't want to face their own problems/issues, and as long as they aren't forced to expose/admit them-they aren't the ones at fault!!! Well, at least that's what I imagine they are thinking. Wish I knew how long it was going to take/if ever, for them to start thinking clearly. In my sitch, my W is much too prideful to admit she made a mistake, so I think I am pretty much on my way to D. That is the harsh reality of my sitch. Plus, she has probably told/said so much about me to her friendc/co-workers, she would never lose face in front of them. Well, at least that's the way she used to be. I dunno...

[SoldierDad]

Bridge, yes, I did send that response to her. Ya, I am a little concerned about her lack of venom today. She just- stopped. She did send me a text from her phone telling me how much she spent at the grocery store, but that was it. It sounds like to me that she is getting advice/help now with how to deal with this. Thoughts?

[mindfull]

SoldierDad -

How long have you been gone?

How was she before you left?

Reading along yesterday, I couldn't help but want to pop her one! It's really cruel to do this, with so many miles between you, and your boys in her possession. 12 and 15? I have a S12, and one of the things I have set as a HARD boundary was that H NEVER discuss his issues w/"us" with them, until we BOTH agree what will be said. The minute something is said, you've taken away a certain innocence from them. And, you can never replace it.

[Bridgestone]

And if she is.... how does that change ANYTHING for what you need to do?

[SoldierDad]

Ok, been thinking-and NO I didn't hurt myself!! Now that I have taken control of the finances/me/my life etc. Won't the fact that I took over the finances make me look like MORE of a monster to her? I mean, how can that be a good thing to her? I'm not sure. I would think that this action would push WAS further away, instead of bringing W closer? I dunno. Maybe I am 2-3 steps ahead of myself here. How does all this DBing, bring them back?

[bluerain]

It makes you look like a strong alpha male, in control of yourself and the household. It makes her see that you will stand for nothing less than respect. And strong men who demand respect are a turn on for women!

You have to remember, these are things that you needed to do to protect yourself. Thats what we want you to take care of first- You! Once you are in a decent place, detached, and safe, you can start focusing on DBing her!

Taking over the finances will not make you look bad as long as you keep food in their mouths and the lights on. Keep the bills paid and what does she have to complain about? She has a job to pay for her own entertainment expenses. Maybe you should set the boys up with an allowance, maybe transferred directly into their accounts?