Well Mr. Gardener, I was all caught up in my own sitch for a few days and I miss all the juicy bed consulting stuff! That's the last time I check out of your thread! lol
Yeah I would say your STBXW's behavior is that typical hot/cold alien stuff. She knows she got a big favor out of you, she knows you are looking pretty noble to the rest of the family... she has to do some damage control. Just my two cents!
Funny, G, And today, Medaitor told me "we got December 23." I came home to find mail from the court saying "December 23, 2009 court date." So keeping with your Shwarzengger analogy, one could say it is now:
End Of Days
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
(((Gardener)))Just checking in to make sure you are ok :)Hope all is well and you are having a wonderful time GAL.
Thanks, I appreciate that. I will check in when I can. My winter gig (which started yesterday) usually begins very hectic and busy. Yesterday and today I left 6:00 a.m., got home 10:00 p.m And it's a 6-day week for the first 4 weeks. There'll be no time to GAL for a while yet. Barely enough time to eat, shower, do some very brief checking in here and off to bed.
Will catch up when I can, (((())))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Hi, I usually check in with many of you before going to my own thread, but my long hours lately have prevented that.
Tonight, though, I needed a primal ranting session, so be forewarned
Today is one year since she moved out. And this is a much-needed, repetitious recapping, ranting vent. And it is raw.
It is long. It was important to me to get it ALL out once more. It is not important that you read it. This goes double for Gypsy who will 2x4 the bejesus out of me for going on like this! It is mostly just a re-hashing (but, strangely, doen't feel at all like wallowing).
Yesterday, the penultimate mediator appointment had to be rescheduled due to conflict. Mediator insisted it be done soon. She offered Friday @8:00pm or Saturday at 8:00 a.m. Both unconventional and probably inconvenient times for her, Which I thanked her for. She asked me to get in touch w/STBXW and work it out and get back to her. I left STBXW a VM with the two options and asked her to back to me to discuss. Of course, she gets back to mediator instead of me and mediator calls me to tell me STBXW no can do: STBXW will be away Friday night and not back home by Sat at 8:00a.m.
What Michael Corleone says in Godfather III is starting to feel like my experience with detachment: "Just when I think I'm out (clench fists here and pull them forcefully towards midsection) they pull me back in!"
Out overnight? Where? With who? I went on and on like that for a while until I realized that when I go off like that, un-detach like that, it's my former wife and our great marriage that I am thinking of, remembering, basing my thoughts on emotionally.
And then I said to myself, you're wasting your time wondering what a memory - a woman who no longer exists - is doing where and with whom. And I remind myself that at those rare times that I am with her or talking on the phone with her, I am just devoid of any feelings, any concern, any giving a crap at all!
And then there was today. The one year "anniversary" of when she moved out (which is of course when i got the truck, moved all her stuff, hung up all her stuff, gave her first month/last month/security deposit)
And I listed/recited every single one of her systematically- broken promise and agreements we made about this "respite" ("No, it's not a separation; we won't even tell anybody. We can pull this off.")Every lie, every misleading statement, false hope. And there were many. Then, still out-loud, I spoke to God for over an hour and listed every lingering unanswered question I have had about her and this whole sitch. Starting with Bomb day when the only reasons she gave were my persistant goading of her to skinny dip with me alone in Aunt's remote Florida pool - five years ago! An inconsiderate action on my part when at a party she said , "My back is really starting to act up; I'd like to leave." And I said goodbye and chatted with everyone for another hour - 9 years ago! And a short discussion/disagreement about a minor aspect of ML that we had 13 years ago! Scraping the bottom of the barrel for justifiable reasons to walk away, or a woman who can hold a grudge like I had never seen or imagined!
Then on to her deciding to D me on 2/25 (I later found out) and not telling me/leading me on/MCing with me for three months until 5/13 before telling me (MC told her why tell him right away ?) (!?). To her not telling me why she decided on D until 5 months later (MC told her "why bother telling him; he'll probably just debate you point-by-point.")
To her 2 ludicrous reasons she finally divulged four months after that (Nov).: 1)"I dreaded coming home to you at night." Why, because I got home earlier and cooked and cleaned up every night, because I did my own laundry and insistrd on being the one to always clean the bathroom, since guys are slobs? Or because I became a silent couch potato mope for the last 6 months or so and the person you started to dread coming home to was later diagnosed with clinical depression? And then, 2) that horrendously ludicrous, slandering, insulting IC-induced accusation of sexual abuse?!?
Well, I gave all of this and more out loud to God (and gave Him a piece of my mind, too) today.I felt bit better. I bemoaned all these questions (and so many more) that I will never get the answers to, The things I would like to say to her, but I will not have the chance and what's the use of talking to cold, dead eyes and a disdainful expression.
And with no proof but gut instinct, I still believe the MC railroaded our marriage. In diary in January I wrote, why is calling me on mind-reading and when she does it 10 minutes later he says "I see." Why in February did I write is it me or is he paying far more attention to her than to me or our M? And in March when my manly gut/manly intuition kicked in and I wrothe that "This guy is palpably attracted to her. I can feel it in the air." And in May when I asked my STBXW two innocent questions and she started to cry, he suddenly and unilaterally announced our sessions were over and ushered me (bum's rish) right out of his office ("Good-bye, Bill. Good luck to you "). And I later wrotet, "He was acting protective towards her! And then seeing her at his office the following week (my IC's in the same building) and her saying she's just meeting with him "one last time." And then the Insurance EOB's showed she saw him weekly for 3 or 4 more months and not in his office (an inconvenient 55 miles away), but in his Home Office, 77 miles away! And the one time I saw him individually (as opposed to the seven times she saw him individually), per the EOB, he was asking me questions about her of an intimate nature, her greatest fears, favorite LL, etc. This smooth talking manipulative master Svengalied my STBX who was in "tremendous emotional pain, utter confusion, and doesn't know where to turn."(his words to me.) I had made a arrangements to put surveillance on her but changed my mind. Wish I had.
So that and more was my un-detached mental "Year In Review" with God most of today on the one-year anniversary of her abandonment of me, our home, our family, our vows and, hence, our marriage.
I just really, really hurt today. All day.
The divorce is set for December 23. Good. Go. Just go. Merry friggin' Christmas.
Usually, at this point I say, "If you've read this far, thank you." Maybe tonight I should say, "If you read this far, boy, are you a masochist! Tomorrow will be better. It was all just too much of an emotional deluge all day today.
Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
