For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Day 6

Today I am thankful for:
1. My life
2. My family
3. My faith

I heard such a tragic story today. A 32 year old mother lost her life yesterday. They think she fell asleep on her drive home from an out of town Thanksgiving get together with her family. Her two young sons - her toddler and her baby were in the car. Both sons survived with only scratches. Her husband was not with them - he had come home earlier bc he needed to be back for work. Since hearing this story and reading about it, my heart just aches for this family. In the parking lot at work I called my church to make a prayer request, then I cried for them and I prayed. It is so heartbreaking - it just numbed my body and gave me a much clearer perspective.

Our lives are so fragile. If you've read my previous posts then you've read about my anger, sadness, self-pity and hardness of heart. There were times when I found myself so wrapped up in my broken R that I allowed it to consume me, to ruin my day, to make me very irritable, to make me totally inpatient and stressed out. There were nights when I cried out to God and nights when my crying was so intense that my eyes were still swollen the next morning and I had bad headaches. There were countless nights where I could not sleep or had horrible dreams. There were days when I sat my DD in front of the TV so I could hack into my H's accounts and snoop through anything I could find. And there were also times when I practically begged my H to give me another chance and times when I blatantly ignored him and said the most hurtful things I could think of. My emotions and my actions were all over the place.
I'm so not proud of those things....

I'm not making light of my situation or the pain that we've all felt trying to save our marriages. I fully acknowledge that the pain cuts like a knife and it hurts like hell. I know what it's like to feel as if you are living in a pit of miserable, excruciating pain, sadness and betrayal. I know what it's like to be so incredibly sad and yet extremely enraged at the same time. I know it feels like your heart is being shredded and you feel intense guilt that your children are stuck in the middle.

I know what a roller coaster ride this is...but through it all, I hope we can all find things to be thankful for. I know it can be a daily struggle, but each day that you and I are given, I hope we can make the choice to be thankful for something and hopefully many somethings.

I hope others will push past the pain much sooner than I did and try to focus on the good - bc there is always some good there - maybe it's the roof over your head, the heat in your home, the warm meal you had for dinner, your health, your family, your kids, your job, your vehicle, the clothes you have to wear, your education, your friends, your church, your neighbors, the air you breath, your freedom, the warm shower you took today, your health insurance, even your little cup of coffee or a simple candlelight that helps you to relax...whatever it is...let us all be thankful.

I know the pain is there for you, bc I feel it too. But, I'm really trying to be happy and thankful. I want to see all the blessings that I've been given. We shouldn't allow our sadness and pain to overshadow the good things God has brought into our lives. I know it's easier said than done and it took 13 months of separation for me to finally come to this conclusion. And trust me - it's still not a bed of roses or a day in the park for me. It hurt that 4 days passed without one single call, text or even word from my H (you don't want to know how many times I checked my phone), but I had a choice to make. I could have allowed my anger, sadness and curiosity to consume me and ruin my Thanksgiving, but I didn't. I finally had a small triumph over the pain and my raging emotions and I made the best of my circumstances. I had a good Thanksgving!

And tonight I wanted to put my arms around my H and tell him I love him. That I'm scared of having him walk out the door and never seeing him again, but I have to trust that by pulling back from him, it will miraculously bring him back to me. Without faith, I'm hopeless.

And I need to pray and ask for help - even though I wanted to tell H I loved him tonight, the honest truth is that I wasn't as friendly or nice as I should have been. Even though I didn't say anything negative, I wasn't very warm. I was hurt and annoyed that he's been gone for 6 days and yet tonight when he got here he acted like there was nothing wrong with his absence.

I'm hurting, but the truth is...I'm just thankful he did walk through the door tonight.

I'm liking the person I'm becoming again....

Goodnight and God Bless.