Divorced and want to reconcile...

[mar1713]

Hey Guys,... I am now going to use this night to vent....I think we had a nice Thanksgiing, yes it was difficult and yes there was some chick there that used to like my Ex and they talked for a while. I did my own thing...after dinner I mingled for a while then went to a different room. He was careful never to sit right next to me anywhere except at the end of the night, he moved to a closer chair but not the same one. God Forbid!!! At the end of the night, every single person, both male and female got a 2 armed hug..we get home, I get nothing!! I kissed my s goodnight in the backseat of my ex's car, I stand up and the ex is already at the driver's side ready to get in the car. I walked away, as I'm walking away I get a "Thanks for coming", I said yup, he said I guess I'll see you tommorow, I said ok, he asked if I had his new phone number, I said I think so and in the house I went. DIdn't even look back at him, not once. He must think I have the bubonic plague!

[mar1713]

oh yeah, and I should mention that when he and this girl were talking, I was in the room, and most of what I heard my ex was talking to her about was things he and I have done (Ex..a place we went to a long time ago) and my 2 daughters and our s. That kind of made me feel good, but I'm just feeling hopeless again, and a little angry!
I made our favorite TG Traditions (foods) mostly for him and I had told him so, about a week ago. Asked him if he wanted a glass of wine and got it for him. Things like that. We were instructed to sit next to each other at the dinner table, so that's probably the only reason he did.

[dday101798]

Mar,

TRUST ME, he was probably darting for that car door like a scared child, been there done that. I wouldn't put too much into that or the "chick", probably yet another test, hence the referrals to the good time you both shared.

Maybe I shouldin't give advice because my head is so far up my rear it's not even funny. I just spent half the day with my boys and XW, yes, XW. She finally accepted and went to dinner, and the whoel holiday weekend has been, well, very emotional, very potentious, and well, just flat out, HELL YEAH!

I even had to endure a half hour conversation of how things have been going south between XW and OM, but guess what, for some dang reason, other than when I dropped them off and XW invited me in, did I not even THINK of them together.

I don't know, Mar, you have hope. My situationlooked so friggen hopeless it wasn't even funny and yet, I held my XW's hand for the first time in ages for I can't even describe how long, and when it was all said and done, we hugged for the first time in almost a year.

Thus, if I still have hope, anyone on this board does, you just need faith, and use the one on one interactions to read them and know if they are still there. I swear, I regarded XW as dead, and now I know (and professed to her) she IS still alive, and she knows where my heart is.

[mar1713]

Wow Dday!!! What a change a circumstances! I'm so happy for you! You even held her hand..and a hug!.. That is so great! You did a great job being a good ear for her venting...aplause.. ; ) (how do you do that with the smiley faces?)

As for my weekend, I'll try to make a long story short:

I went through a very hard time with my daughter recently, my Ex has been in her life since she was 5 and now she's 15. He's not her bio father, but has treated her like a daughter ya know...Not to get to personal, but she ran away and I had reason to believe that she might hurt herself or run again. She ended up in an inpatient type place for a little while. Anyway, I felt that he was unsympathetic because when I asked if he might write her a note..he said his mind was so far away from her issues, he wouldn't know what to even say..and he was aggrivated that all he wants to do is paint at his new place before the furniture gets there, and he's having to deal with watching our s, while I go visit for the 1 1/2 hours in the late afternoon that they allow.
Prior to this incident we also had a long talk about what my hopes were for our R, It was the day after TG and I was still trying to get over the hug thing. He knew I was going through a difficult time with my daughter, and I was sad and I said a hug would be a nice gesture and that's how we kind of got on the topic of our R. He said he feels awkward around me after what has happened. He doesn't trust me, obviously, and feels he's better alone. Then he mentioned that my daughter was not his responsibility and he didn't like all the drama when we were M, and now he is able to just leave. I have to admit that I felt hurt by that comment.

I've kind of changed my attitude towards him and am hurt and I've been kind of cold. I know, it's not the way to woo the Ex, but I can't help but feel bad about what happened.

[dday101798]

hmmmmmmmm,

You know as I was going along reading your post here, I was thinking that maybe your XH just has inner issues relating and understanding the female emotion (especially in light of what has happened between you two), but then the comment of not being his responsibility? That throws me through a loop, so I don't know what to tell you there. I adopted our oldest (S12) right off the bat. He is no less my child then S11 we had together, and is every bit my responsibilty the same. I get so inruriated by stories of how some spouses and former spouses 'punish' the kids by taking the marital issues out on them.

I'm really sorry for what is going on and I just can't vouch 100% for why your XH would act that way.

To maybe intigrate a bit of my current situation with yours, he does just need some more space and time, that is for sure. With my XW, yes, I have a trust issue obviously as well. For some reason tho, should anything get 'really' going, I'm not worried about it. I have nothing to lose, and she has all to gain by taking the chance, but most importantly, being forth right. My approach to it is that she needs to spend time on her own. Yes, we can go to dinner or have a few drinks here and there, but contrary to what everyone around me is thinking, no, we're not going to run off and get a place together and live happily ever after again, that's just ridiculous. She needs to clense her head and life of OM.

But, the bottom line is, just as seemed that all hope was lost, a switch was flipped and the person that was my W is back. Not the vile, manipulative player that emerged when that switch was flipped the other way round.

Keep you head up, give him his space, and keep the R talk to a bare minimum!!!!! I think he's just slow to soak it all in and the more that gets piled on top of the last round, the more confused he gets?

[dday101798]

but then the comment of not being his responsibility? That throws me through a loop, so I don't know what to tell you there.

As a re-read my reply, I have a thought. Since your D15 is obviously from a prior relationship, maybe your XH's self-defense mechanism is to make himself think he's "just a number in a succesion of 'dead end' relationships" with you?

Just a thought.

[RonD]

Mar,

My best advice would be to take ddays advice and be patient, give hime space, let him recover in his way. Speaking as a man, some of it may have to do with his image of himself. You've given him a pretty hard hit to his ego, so he's understandably (from a guys point of view) reluctant to risk that again. Reading your posts, though, I think there is hope. He just needs time. How much? Who knows. I thought my ex would need many months but that changed rapidly. Everybody is different; be patient.

It also occurred to me that the reaction to your daughter's troubles may be his way of ensuring that, right now, he doesn't become more emotionally attached than he wants to right now. Just a thought.

And yes, I cooked the WHOLE Thanksgiving feast and I make the best pumpkin pies (no canned pumpkin allowed!) on the West coast!

And dday, that is awesome! Wishing you the best!

[mar1713]

Good Morning : ) Well, i received an email from the Ex about "Sunday's Conflict" and he said that he was dismayed that I accused him of thinking only of himself and that he was in his car driving to meet me to get our s, to do me a favor. He's having terrible back pain and no time to collect his thoughts to be able to accomodate "my wish" for writing her a quick note. I did reply...that given our two very different communication styles, that I was also dismayed that by him saying (prior to his email), that she was not his responsibility was not fair as he'd been in her life from age 5 to 14, and I can't stop her feelings of respect towards him, and that logically she may not be his responsibility, but ethically he is and it was the last thing I would have expected from him. I also told him that I understand it being hard to come up with something in 5 mins to say to her, but I would have helped him, instead of telling me that she was the furthest thing from his mind. So that the way he communicated the whole thing to me came off as cold and insensitive. (people can hurt me, but I can't tolerate someone hurting my kids, even when they don't know it ya know?)
Then I told him I was sorry to hear about his back pain, and reminded him that I've told him I would help him anytime if he'd like.

One other thing I wondered about, is when the mutual parents of a child help each other, is that doing each a favor? like when the Mom or Dad takes the kids on a day they're not scheduled to have them, is that considered babysitting? These two things always made me wonder, because if indeed, we were married, wouldn't we just expect the other to take charge of one kid while the other parent took charge of another..hopefully I'm explaining myself well here, not sure, but let me know your thoughts...

Have a fantastic day : )

[dday101798]

Mar,

NO, NO, NO!!!!!

With that response, you loaded up the gun, sat down, propped both feet up and just started plugging away at them!!!!!

You sent the man you left feeling not good enough for his own wife a reminder of all his faults and how he STILL disapoints YOU?

I'll bet his reaction to that is not going to be a good one.

If my XW did that, I'd tell her to get lost [putting it mildly] and never bother with me again as that just re-opened some huge scars.

As for the "baby-sitting" issue, I have always stood my ground to not do anything other then take my boys dinner every now and then (on my request) on days that are not "mine". Otherwise, [and here's where the hostility of a LBH comes into play], if I wasn't good enough to be a full time husband and father, I'm certainly not good enough to be a baby-sitter. EDIT- to make life convenient for the person who told me I made their life SO inconvenient.

[dday101798]

Food for thought, this is a repsonse I made to some one in my thread regarding my outlook on the recent changes in my situation and upswing in PMA.

Yes, I am very happy with where my head is at right now. It's nice to finally know, from the person who made me feel so unwanted, so rejected, and so worthless, that I am not. And it is really nice to have the stance that I can chose whoever I want to be with. They may hurt me the same as XW did, or they may not, so it's up to XW to show me why I should chose to be with THE person who DID hurt me that way.