38 years & I need physical connection with my wife

[Young at Heart]

This post is a little longer than I originally intended, but writing it seems to have been good therapy for me.

I've been married for 38 years. We are both 60. My wife knows she is LD and knows I am HD. Our children are grown and living on their own. We feel that we raised them well. I really love my wife and I feel that I am her dear husband. In the good years she would push herself to have sex with me once most weeks (when I kept track it was about 43 to 48 times a year). Earlier this year it was once every two to three weeks. Before we were married and before we had children we did have a more active (but limited in variety) sex life.

I am HD and could have lived with sex once a week, but she hardly ever touched me outside of the bedroom. In the bedroom she also hardly touched me, when we did have sex. She will not touch my scrotum and will only touch my penis long enough to unroll a condom on it. I get almost no foreplay in bed. Again, when I kept track, she might hug me outside the bedroom or put a hand on my shoulder two to four times a year in total. I need to be touched by my wife and feel physically wanted by her. I really want to be hugged and experience being held tight by my wife. I really want foreplay.

In the past she always promised that when the kids were grown and less of a demand on her, she would find the time and energy for me. She also promised that she was saving sexual variety to keep the flame alive later in our marriage. It never happened.

In the past she told me she was too tired because of taking care of the kids, because of her work, because of the grieving over the death of her parents, or too tired because of the graduate college degree she was pursuing along with working a full time job. I supported her through all this and held out hope that she would eventually find time and energy for me.

Even thought she got her graduate degree a couple of years ago and the past two years I have made a point of traveling with her on great vacations to wonderful places, she still doesn’t have time or energy for me and my physical needs. We have a housekeeper who comes in every other week and a gardener that comes weekly. I do the dishes each night to help out with cores. I even cook some of the meals and do some of the grocery shopping.

Our intimacy has gotten much worse this past year. I understand that it takes a couple to solve problems in a marriage and that I must be part of our problem. I also understand that I can only change myself and encourage her to examine what she wants. Earlier this year just about every time we had sex, or were going to have sex, she would do something to ruin the mood for me, or the following day she would pick a fight to create an emotional distance between us.

It has been about 4 months since we last had sex. In my reading of the SSM, I feel that I may have done two 180’s, but I don’t feel they are working, or at least not yet.

I finally told her that I would no longer have sex with her until she really wanted to have sex with me and until she would not emotionally hurt me after we had sex. That was four months ago. She has seemed just fine with that. No complaints on her part, no trying to convince me otherwise. A couple of times, I told her that if she would model some new clothes she bought, I would make love to her that night. She has looked at me and said no thank your in a very pointed way.

A month ago, using the best couples therapy communications skills I could muster, I explained how I have a need to be physically touched and how she has promised me in the past that she would touch me more if she knew it wouldn’t lead to sex. I asked her what I can do to make it so that she feels more comfortable touching me. I asked her what I could change about myself that would make me more attractive to her or what I could do to arouse her to want me. We discussed this and other things. She said she knew how I felt and it wasn’t me and she was sorry I was feeling hurt. She said that my changing myself wasn’t the issue. She also said that she had no idea what I could do to arouse her.

That night I got bold and told her that I could do something to possible help. I told her that I would promise her not have sex with her for two months, so she could touch me with complete comfort in knowing that it would not lead to sex. I guess this was my second attempt at a 180. She seemed to accept that and I decided I had pushed the topic enough.

Well, in the past month she has “touched” me more than in the past, but far less than once a day. In bed, before she goes to sleep, she will reach over and put her foot against my leg. In bed, before she goes to sleep, she will put a hand on my arm. She will occasionally reach out and hold my hand. She has even kissed me goodbye in the morning, as I leave for work. She will definitely not hug me. She will not actively cuddle with me. She will not touch me in any way that resembles foreplay. Her touching is limited to what I would say a brother and sister might do.

While this is more “touching” than I have gotten in many years, I am no longer sure she is capable of an intimate relationship. I have not said anything and accepted what she is capable of giving; hoping that it will increase over time. I have given her foot rubs, massaged her back, stroked her hair with my fingers and cuddled with her when she will allow it. In such situations she will lay very still and not acknowledge me in any way or provide any feedback as to if it feels good or not.

During this past month on a couple of occasions when she was feeling particularly close to me (say after I have taken her out to a nice dinner or to a movie), she has tried to picked fights to create emotional distance. One time rather than responding to her attack, I just said I had a dilemma as she has told me in the past that I need to tell her about my feelings and when I tell her about my feelings she now wants me to just not talk to her. She then told me she was sorry and didn’t know why she blew up at me. She said she didn’t really want to hurt me.

Another time when she was in bed I asked her to roll toward me and hug me. When she rolled over toward me, I kissed her on the forehead. She didn’t hug me and she then yelled at me. Again, I didn’t get angry; I just said I was sorry if my actions had upset her. She then explained how she was now so upset that she would not be able to get to sleep for several hours. She further explained that she would not get enough sleep that night and that I had ruined her entire week. I again said I was sorry and I had not meant to hurt her. I suspect that she might have reacted so strong because she felt an urge to make love to me or at least be close to me.

I am incredibly sexually frustrated and starved for physical affection. I think that my wife has emotionally “checked out” of our marriage. I feel that after reading about how to cure the sex starved marriage book, I now understanding some of the issues better. I feel that I now can see an attack that is designed to draw me into a fight with my wife and I can now refuse to participate. I also feel that I can separate sex from emotional intimacy and try to work on both separately. I know my communications skills are better when I focus on the situation.

My wife has commented about my reading a variety of couples and relationship books and asked if I would like her to read any of them. I told her that I would like her to read some of them and then if she would feel comfortable about it, we can talk about them. She said she would. I have given her three books so far and I intend to provide her with a couple more before the end of the year. I am going to wait to see if she will read them or not. If not I will ask her to again. It is my hope that this was a sign that she will join me in trying to save our marriage.

I have already started researching local marriage counselors and certified sex therapists. I have further found a woman medical doctor locally who specializes in women’s sexual disorders and hormone therapy. It has been quite a while since my wife has gone in for a general physical and I know of no medications she is on that would suppress her libido. I do intend to suggest to her that she goes to this doctor for a medical check-up. I also intend to try to start counseling with her next year.

While I want to save this marriage, I am about at the end of my emotional rope. I am going to give it a few more months, but I don't think I can last another year.

I have started to work out and intend to do things for myself. I am going to put myself and my happiness as a priority. I hope that my wife and the mother of our children will also join me in trying to save this marriage. Right now I don’t know if I can find the physical love and intimacy I need with my wife. I just try to make progress one day at a time.