I'll start and end with the question: What else can I do that I am not already doing to save this beautiful marriage?
My story is so similar to many on here but unique at the same time. I am 42, and my beautiful bride is 40. We have been married 16 years (together 17-1/2) and have two beautiful boys, 4 and 7. We moved to our current city 1-1/2 years ago for me to take a great job with a great future. Of course, my future was so bright I went off my anti-depressants when we moved. My wife had to quit her tenured teaching job at our previous location to move. During the spring, my major depression became pretty deep, and I withdrew from being a father, husband and man for my family. We had some hidden costs with our new house, and I blamed her for wanting a big house with a big yard. I wanted a modest house or condo so our weekends could be family focused. While long-term subbing here, she met a divorced male teacher and started an EA. Interestingly, he and I look like twin brothers and have the same interests, particularly my wife. Confronting her at the beginning led to her screaming "he's just a friend." By the end of school, my wife wanted a trial separation and moved to her mom's house for 3 weeks. She saw her EA partner while she was there, and they emailed and spoke on the phone dozens (really hundreds) of times. Over the summer, they lots of time together with the kids at parks while I was working. While she was gone, I decided to change all of the things she wanted me to change - I am by her words, a great father, man, and (I submit) husband now. After she returned from the trial separation, we started MC, but the counselor "believed" her when she said the EA partner was just a friend. She told me to BACK OFF! When I did, the EA became deeper and more intense. The final minute of the last of four counseling sessions was her saying divorce no other choice. I made all of the classic mistakes of begging, trying to point out how "wrong" she is, how what she is doing is adultery, etc. She asked for space and when I gave it, she filled it with the EA partner which drove me to want to get closer. She has said over and over she has anger about how I have "emotionally abused" her over the past years and even more anger about how she has put up with it for so long. I had to Google emotional abuse because I have never heard of it. I would classify our marriage as textbook WAW, with a MLC and a little Media Hype thrown in. Her Mom told me she is having a MLC. Media Hype because her happiness is more important than our children or my happiness. She said our problems started one year ago and then progressed (as the affair deepened) to the beginning of our 16 year marriage. She has given me the ILYBIANILWY, it will be better for our kids because mommy will be happier, and the ever classic "we have been leading separate lives(?)" as excuses for her behavior. She as repeatedly stated that there were no good times in our marriage. The photo albums I showed her and the cards I gave her that she has saved for over a decade elicit a "so" response in all cases. She said that 5 years ago she started to fall out of love with me. That was news to me! She admitted to the EA in Sept and told me she wanted a divorce. Needless to say, she got angrier and angrier as I pointed out the damage divorce would cause our two boys, 4 and 7. We saw our pastor who tried to encourage a controlled separation without seeing other people. She absolutely refused voluntary limits on her behavior with other men. She teaches Sunday School. She finally moved out the last weekend of Oct because I refused to do so because I do not want space. I know my W and EA partner have spent considerable time together since she moved out, and I would be surprised if the affair has not become physical too. I asked her to choose to end the EA by Nov 27 (our 16th anniversary). I feel I can't be married to someone who is in an affair. I told her if she cannot choose to end the affair, I will choose to divorce. She took that as a major threat and hired a L. So now we have L's and are going to do a mediation on the way to D. I only discovered the DR book last Sat. I have given her space by not talking about us, not calling, no conversation except about the kids. I have fixed the depression, lost 30 pounds, started running recreational races, got some new clothes and new glasses, and generally gotten on with my new life. I also have my boys 50% right now, which is exhilarating. I am in our home and have re-decorated it too, which makes her mad when she comes for the boys.
I feel like I need to respect her wishes by giving her space (even though it's filled by the affair) and going through with the divorce. She knows my wishes very clearly. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. However, I am not willing to live with the affair any more.
I'll start and end with the question: What else can I do that I am not already doing to save this beautiful marriage?
I'll start and end with the question: What else can I do that I am not already doing to save this beautiful marriage?
My story is so similar to many on here but unique at the same time. I am 42, and my beautiful bride is 40. We have been married 16 years (together 17-1/2) and have two beautiful boys, 4 and 7. We moved to our current city 1-1/2 years ago for me to take a great job with a great future. Of course, my future was so bright I went off my anti-depressants when we moved. My wife had to quit her tenured teaching job at our previous location to move.
During the spring, my major depression became pretty deep, and I withdrew from being a father, husband and man for my family. We had some hidden costs with our new house, and I blamed her for wanting a big house with a big yard. I wanted a modest house or condo so our weekends could be family focused.
While long-term subbing here, she met a divorced male teacher and started an EA. Interestingly, he and I look like twin brothers and have the same interests, particularly my wife.
Confronting her at the beginning led to her screaming "he's just a friend." By the end of school, my wife wanted a trial separation and moved to her mom's house for 3 weeks. She saw her EA partner while she was there, and they emailed and spoke on the phone dozens (really hundreds) of times. Over the summer, they lots of time together with the kids at parks while I was working. While she was gone, I decided to change all of the things she wanted me to change - I am by her words, a great father, man, and (I submit) husband now.
After she returned from the trial separation, we started MC, but the counselor "believed" her when she said the EA partner was just a friend. She told me to BACK OFF! When I did, the EA became deeper and more intense. The final minute of the last of four counseling sessions was her saying divorce no other choice.
I made all of the classic mistakes of begging, trying to point out how "wrong" she is, how what she is doing is adultery, etc. She asked for space and when I gave it, she filled it with the EA partner which drove me to want to get closer. She has said over and over she has anger about how I have "emotionally abused" her over the past years and even more anger about how she has put up with it for so long. I had to Google emotional abuse because I have never heard of it.
I would classify our marriage as textbook WAW, with a MLC and a little Media Hype thrown in. Her Mom told me she is having a MLC. Media Hype because her happiness is more important than our children or my happiness.
She said our problems started one year ago and then progressed (as the affair deepened) to the beginning of our 16 year marriage. She has given me the ILYBIANILWY, it will be better for our kids because mommy will be happier, and the ever classic "we have been leading separate lives(?)" as excuses for her behavior. She as repeatedly stated that there were no good times in our marriage. The photo albums I showed her and the cards I gave her that she has saved for over a decade elicit a "so" response in all cases. She said that 5 years ago she started to fall out of love with me. That was news to me!
She admitted to the EA in Sept and told me she wanted a divorce. Needless to say, she got angrier and angrier as I pointed out the damage divorce would cause our two boys, 4 and 7. We saw our pastor who tried to encourage a controlled separation without seeing other people. She absolutely refused voluntary limits on her behavior with other men. She teaches Sunday School.
She finally moved out the last weekend of Oct because I refused to do so because I do not want space. I know my W and EA partner have spent considerable time together since she moved out, and I would be surprised if the affair has not become physical too.
I asked her to choose to end the EA by Nov 27 (our 16th anniversary). I feel I can't be married to someone who is in an affair. I told her if she cannot choose to end the affair, I will choose to divorce. She took that as a major threat and hired a L. So now we have L's and are going to do a mediation on the way to D.
I only discovered the DR book last Sat. I have given her space by not talking about us, not calling, no conversation except about the kids. I have fixed the depression, lost 30 pounds, started running recreational races, got some new clothes and new glasses, and generally gotten on with my new life. I also have my boys 50% right now, which is exhilarating. I am in our home and have re-decorated it too, which makes her mad when she comes for the boys.
I feel like I need to respect her wishes by giving her space (even though it's filled by the affair) and going through with the divorce. She knows my wishes very clearly. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. However, I am not willing to live with the affair any more.
I'll start and end with the question: What else can I do that I am not already doing to save this beautiful marriage?
Sorry you're here, but it's the best place to be in a situation like this. Keep posting and everyone will help you tackle this in chunks. Cause it's not going to be solved in a week or month.
I would almost guarantee it's physical. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be. And anyone that says he's "just" a friend is lying.
First question is, are you ready to do all the work to save your marriage? Cause this will take a LONG time.
As long as your W is involved in an A, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. And once the A ends, which is most assuredly will, your W will have to go through withdrawal from OM before she'll see your marriage for what it really is/was. So don't pay any attention to the b.s. she says about it.
Break it into some paragraphs and we'll all help.
Last edited by Hope4us; 12/01/0908:01 PM.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
Look, you haven't been here long, and you don't really know me, but I almost ALWAYS have a 2x4 for people, and am certainly "full of advice" all the time (my wife would say "You're full of SOMETHING!")
Well, sometimes you have to just tell someone to KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
So . . . keep doing what you're doing.
Your "case" is CLASSIC "script," right down the line. I'm sorry you had to finally say "enough!" but I think you've done the right thing, and you did the right thing by not being the one to move out.
I'd give her 60 days. She's come begging you to take her back, IF you keep up with good DBing. Take it to the bank.
First question is, are you ready to do all the work to save your marriage? Cause this will take a LONG time.
. . . and btw, the above doesn't necessarily contradict what I said, either. The WORK after she wants you to take her back, will be long and hard. But I do think yours is a very hopeful situation actually.
I accept that her affair has gone PA now that she has had her own apt. for several weeks, and I have had the kids 70% of the time including almost all of the weekend time.
I accept that this will be a lot of work. I am absolutely willing to do all of the work until it is dead and gone, and maybe even after.
I think I have been following plan A very well. Can you tell me the lovebusting behaviors or send me to a link to see them?
I politely called out some disrespect issues she had been doing (e.g., used my credit card that we agreed was emergency use only) and the message that I can't be married to someone having an A. I see that as the ultimate disrespect. I noticed that she has been polite to a fault since I did so.
