I agree. We were together for a couple hours and I agree 100% with this advice. You guys are right on. My marriage is important and I my family is important. I am letting her go. I know who I am and what I have to offer. She will probably test that for a while but I am really at that point. I can find another woman one that will love and me. I prefer my wife to be that person but really it is her loss.
It is hard but I know that, I know that is how it was through our entire marriage and when got together I was dating 6 or 7 other woman and so of course the principles are true.
Now the question is how do I do that the most effective way. I could write a letter saying "have a nice life!". Not in those exact words but as a general theme.
I could just start ignoring her and pull away. She likes the chase. She loves the chase. She wants the crazy feelings again. Of course since we were together for 12 years there is a challenge in the fact that I am not a "unknown". I guess that answers some of my own questions. I need to become unknown. Unpredictable and really let her do all the chasing.
It has taken me a little time to make the shift. But I feel like the time I spent with her this weekend reaffiremed this exact thing.
I am open to suggestions on how best to procede but for the most part my general attitude is going to be. "look lady, you messed up, I think you are hot but I can definitly do better than a person who is planning on not being faithfull. Best of luck in life."
- Open to feedback, thanks for the advice!
Me 33 WOW 31 Married 12 years 4 YOD 1 YOD(adoption process) Bomb & moved out 4/01/09 Divorced 12/17/09
gucci loafer has some good points. They do go against a lot of thought processes here. The key is to do those things for YOU.
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
I am strong, I am confident,
Good. Stay strong and confident.
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I also like to get my way.
Controlling is not good. Setting boundaries is good. Listening, Validating and empathizing are good.
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So I am struggling with fighting for my marriage and letting her make the biggest mistake of my family's life.
You can be firm about your commitment to your core values. There are change YOU need to make to YOU. Only YOU can figure those out. Your spouse has all the things that are missing in YOU. That is what you were/are attracted to.
Now is the time to reflect on WHO you are and WHO YOU want to be.
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Do a little research.
DO A LOT OF RESEARCH. Figure out what positive changes you can make to YOU to be the best PERSON YOU can be.
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Strong confident men are attractive to women.
YES
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So, when a strong, confident man is fighting for his marriage, the woman views it (and her view is what counts) as WEAKNESS (which is NOT attractive)
I believe it depends on HOW he is fighting for it. Begging etc YES. Standing up to her, and not giving in to her selfish behavior is attractive. "If you are unhappy, you are free to leave, but I would prefer if you stayed" is attractive, non controlling and gains your respect.
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You see, one of the things that many men "miss" on this site is that when a woman is feeling those "romantic and in love feelings" is when she is dating "up" or involved with a man who allows HER to do much of the pursuing and chasing. Now women will tell you they would prefer to be chased, but have you noticed that really isn't the true reality? That when they are chased by a man that they usually back off? (and YOU are another case in point right now)
The key is back off faster than the WAS. Get them to stop running and stop. Then give them chance to see what they will be missing if they leave. YOU NEED TO KEEP MOVING AWAY from WAS until they are PURSUING YOU! Then you need to KEEP DOING WHAT WORKS by moving away and setting boundaries.
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The key is to know how to pursue and yet allow her to BELIEVE SHE IS pursuING.
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will not accept anything less than a woman who WANTS to be with you and will be exclusive with you.
CORRECT
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She needs to "feel" that you will accept nothing less. [quote]CORRECT- BOUNDARIES and actions.
[quote] You ARE accepting something less. Don't you see that you are pursuing a woman who even tells you she can't be faithful? You should be calling her bluff as if you have a straight flush. As a strong and confident man this is the reason you have lost your mojo. You don't have the "confidence" to tell her NO, this is unacceptable and I don't want a woman like that. End of story.
BINGO
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Your 180 is to show her in no uncertain terms that you really have LOST interest in her. That SHE isn't worth YOUR love and time. This will then be perceived as strong and confident. You are not mean to her or punitive, but just casual and "oh well, this isn't working and not what I want or am looking for"
YES
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She THEN either HAS to chase you, which causes her romantic feelings to start COMING back or it is over anyway. (so what have you really lost?) Confident men are WILLING to risk it all for the sake of their self esteem.
With all that said. YOU have to make the change to YOU for YOU. You can observe how WAS behaves to your actions. YOU can also observe how other women behave toward you. Keep your boundaries, but I found it much easier to "practice" new behavior with other woman (of course I am D and moving on with my life).
Set firm boundaries with WAS. Walk away from her and wait for her to chase.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The good news for me is that I am not having much of a problem finding other interested woman. I have had phone numbers given to me, been asked out for dates and seem to have most of the woman I show intrest in return the intrest favorably. I have done some dating and have enjoyed making new friends.
I guess that I am lucky that way. I am not great looking but very comfidant and I have a good attitude most of the time
The only person that I seem to really have relationship issues with is my wife right now. She was crazy about me before her affair but that has seemed to kill all feeling for me and now anyone else but me is perfect. Is it the guilt from the affair? Is it the fact she still knows I love her so she is just bored?
It is weird, the only person I want to impress or have attracted to me could care less and the other woman in my life seem to be excited to be part of my day.
Maybe when I really make that full shift were I do not care about my wife she will get the same feeling the other woman do.
I am going to try the advice that you have all given me and see if I can walk away faster than she can. She is pretty fast at this point so we will see what I have in these legs.
What do I have to loose?
Me 33 WOW 31 Married 12 years 4 YOD 1 YOD(adoption process) Bomb & moved out 4/01/09 Divorced 12/17/09
So the last couple days have been less then stellar. We did have an argument over nothing really. If I read between the lines we were arguing about "why do you not love me anymore?" Both of us trying to tell the other, I would love you if...
We talked the next day and I took her to lunch and she treated. We had a good time. The downside... She gave me the signed divorce papers.
The up side she said we can take some time and work on revising the parenting plan if we want. Between the lines she was saying "Do not sign this yet."
This is the first time I really believe that she does not want the divorce. I do not believe what she says. Her actions are friendly and giving at this point. We spent about 2 hours together yesterday with lunch and my daughters swim lessons.
I believe she wants to come back but needs me to build the "face saving" path so she can justify it to her family after all the stupid lies and distortions she has told them.
Is this possible? Is this the mindset of someone who wants to turn around but cannot because of pride?
Thanks
Me 33 WOW 31 Married 12 years 4 YOD 1 YOD(adoption process) Bomb & moved out 4/01/09 Divorced 12/17/09
So the last couple days have been less then stellar. We did have an argument over nothing really. If I read between the lines we were arguing about "why do you not love me anymore?" Both of us trying to tell the other, I would love you if...
The up side she said we can take some time and work on revising the parenting plan if we want. Between the lines she was saying "Do not sign this yet."
I believe she wants to come back but needs me to build the "face saving" path so she can justify it to her family after all the stupid lies and distortions she has told them.
Is this possible? Is this the mindset of someone who wants to turn around but cannot because of pride?
Possibly; but you're mind-reading and making assumptions. Pride be damned; if she's going to ruin your marriage because her ego wrote checks her heart won't cash, then I'd think twice about not signing those papers.
The best way to handle this is to ask her to be honest. Set it as a boundary:
"I am committed to working things out, but I feel like this divorce is being pursued because you don't want to admit that you might be making a mistake. If that's not true, then let's deal with this together. If that is the case, then I don't know that I want to stay with someone who puts their pride above their commitment."
As for the lies she told her family? She owns those. If she wants to stay with you, then she does get to explain to her family all of the stuff she told them.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
That makes sense TrentC. I talked to my counselor today and she told me that this is not uncommon with WAW. She told me that my success tied directly with my W success in life. So for my current game plan I think I am going to try to be supportive and let her get her way. Let her know that I am not going to come between her success and what she wants to accomplish.
It makes sense in allot of ways, my W is trying to do things on her own and because of past this is something she feels she cannot do with me. So once she feels success then she will be able to possibly return with a new sense of freedom and accomplishment.
Crossing my fingers.
I will post my progress and reactions.
Me 33 WOW 31 Married 12 years 4 YOD 1 YOD(adoption process) Bomb & moved out 4/01/09 Divorced 12/17/09
Currently this is all her choice, all of this was done by the power of her decision.
Sign them, tell her you won't live in limbo anymore, you won't tolerate cheating, affairs, broken promises, lies, deception. If she wants to be married, she will work on the marriage with you, 100% wholeheartedly otherwise she is just wasting her time and more importantly your time.
Uncross you fingers man. You are in for a world of hurt or does it not phase you that your wife sleeps with other men? 3 affairs and she is telling you she will do it again. There ain't no prize in this box of cracker jacks.
Stop concerning yourself with what your wife wants to accomplish and what she wants to succeed. Why do you want anything to do with that?
What do you want to accomplish? STRENGTH, CONFIDENCE, SELF-RESPECT are those your top three?
