First time poster feeling a bit lost

[MT21]

Small Update:

She agreed to saturday night, Of her own accord.

She suggested that we should put our energy into getting to know one another again, spending more time together, fixing house etc..
She says she cant give any guarantees on us being in an R again... but then who can? neither of us have a crystal ball.

What I can say is the is the first positive step initiated by her.

[sandi2]

She answered yes, but then immediately after me asking the simple question she seemed to be abrupt and said she'd see me later. It felt like a snub.

Listen, that was such a lame excuse to talk to your wife and she saw right through it. It will be so easy for you to make up excuses to contact her and if you can't even see yourself what you are doing, then you are going to be in a bad place. Look at it this way.....don't contact her unless it is an emergency or one of the kids has gotten really sick. You may consider me harsh as well, but you have to get tough with yourself or you'll blow any chances at all.

She sees the changes you've made, but she is waiting to see how long they will last b/c she thinks you've done all this to win her back. And.....I think you have even if you keep telling yourself that it is for yourself. That's okay b/c almost everyone does that in the beginning. Your job is to make the changes for "you" and so that you'll be around for a long time for your children. Those changes are great, but they won't stick if they are for her b/c you'll experience too many emotions where she's concerned and it will affect your motivation. So, make it about becoming a better man, healthy & strong. She really wants to see you strong & confident and that is why you cannot afford to do anything that looks pursuing.

I am really surprised that she agreed to have dinner with you. I know you plan not to get into a R talk, but that is all that is on your mind and you'll be in one thinking it will help. Please do not say one word about the R. If she says something....just listen to her and don't dare put your opinion in. You are being given another chance to show her how charming you can be as a "friend" (since she says that is what she wants), bo don't mess it up. Think of some topics you can talk about before dinner or you will be blank.

Time to wake up I think.

If you don't now, I don't know what it will take. She needs to see you moving on with your life or she'll never relax around you. That has to be the first thing to happen.

[MT21]

I am really surprised that she agreed to have dinner with you.

Hello Sandii,

May I ask why your so surprised? Is this not in line with WAW's thinking?

I take on board your comments about making lasting changes, and keeping R talk taboo.

She has said we need to talk, I'll leave it to her.

Topics of conversation, Yes, I had thought of it, I feel like a sixteen year old again, All nervous and apprehensive. I will bury those emotions as much as possible.

Its ridiculous really, I am super confident in work but here its unknown and means so much more.

Thank you for your support.. I'll try not to blow it.

MT

[chatterbug]

How about you watch the news and read the paper. Pick some topics and talk about them, and use what your read in the paper as conversation starters...

[MT21]

Thanks Cutter,

Its not that I dont know what to do

But,

1. I am nervous that it is flop and we really dont get on, then the reality really will come crashing in. (I know it should be here already, and is sinking in)

2. I am not sure that I am in the best place right now to really be (a, the friend she needs, (b, The emotional detached strong person I need to be.

The christmas party shes getting ready for next week seems to be her only goal right now.(another $200 on shoes yesterday) I am expecting the EA/PA bomb shortly after.

Shes not doing anything in the house right now, No washing, no dishes, cleaning.. nothing (and if she does lift a finger its the bare minimum)
I am doing everything painting, cooking + all above and taking Kids to school etc. She says she needs a break to a SPA or something to clear her head she feels very tired. She looks tired too.( I am concerned for her but Good, maybe shes feeling the pain now)

The FIL talked in length with me last night, he is very upset and MIL as well. He is planning a talk with her. Lay down the law so to speak. I dont think its helpful, she says it upsets her and its her life not theirs.

Its my life as well, I dont want to spend the rest of my life with someone that doesnt love me, so even if a miracle did occur and she returns in some sort of fashion, if these deep rooted issues arent resolved then I am really not interested.
(Theres only so many times you can kick the dog)

But as I said the FIL/MIL help enormously with the Kids, I hope she count on the same support going forward. (I doubt if they will ever forgive her for what shes doing to the kids. She is definitely in self mode, although she doesnt see it.)

Geez

MT

[sandi2]

May I ask why your so surprised? Is this not in line with WAW's thinking?

A WAW is walking "away" from her H.....not toward him. She typically will stay away from intimate dinners, etc., b/c she knows that H will more than likely get the idea there is still hope.

Since she told you that the two of you need to talk, I think she is going to hit you with another bomb or want to proceed with the D filing. Be ready for the worst. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think that is the only reason she agreed to have dinner with you.

I am expecting the EA/PA bomb shortly after.

Expect it at the dinner.

He is planning a talk with her. Lay down the law so to speak. I dont think its helpful, she says it upsets her and its her life not theirs.

She is not a child and she will resent him for treating her like one. Where does he get off laying down the law? (That will be her way of thinking.)

I have to keep it short this morning. Getting ready for work.

Remember that you are the "prize" to have and not the victim. Act like the prize.

[chatterbug]

1. Go to a place that is buzzing with activity and somewhere you have never gone before it will help fill the silence. Look up the menu online before hand or call ahead and ask what they recommend for good combinations of appetizers and main courses. Order new dishes that you never ever have. Act like you know the place. If she asks if you have been here before smile and say that "this is really good". She will think you shared an experience without her. Keep your answers vague. Act like she would.

Did I say how you are going to look. New outfit. New smell and a haircut. If you shave get a barber to do it for you. You are going to look like a million dollars.
Every time she talks to you. Look her in the eyes and smile and listen. And talk small talk. If R talk comes up. Say " I will have to think about that " And leave it at that. If she keeps it up set up a boundary that you do not want to hear it tonight.

Then when she is all in the zone and brings up OM and shoves it in your face.

You have a choice keep it easy and breezey or you start to lay down the law.
1. She is going to pull her weight around the house.
2. She is not going to speak to OM in the house any more.
3. She is not allowed to have OM around the children at any time.
4. You will no longer be part of a marriage that includes a third party.
5. If these boundaries are broken she will be on the street.


Choices. But you know what. Either way. That is the night you take control of your families life.

No where do you tell your wife you want her back or talk about good old times.

[MT21]

Since she told you that the two of you need to talk, I think she is going to hit you with another bomb or want to proceed with the D filing. Be ready for the worst. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think that is the only reason she agreed to have dinner with you.


Expect it at the dinner.

I am not so sure about this one Sandii, I will expect it but having resigned myself to it already it wont even register.

He is planning a talk with her. Lay down the law so to speak. I dont think its helpful, she says it upsets her and its her life not theirs.

She is not a child and she will resent him for treating her like one. Where does he get off laying down the law? (That will be her way of thinking.)

Agreed, MIL called her in work this morning in floods of tears. W left work to go see MIL. I didnt ask how it went. So things are still the same.
W bumped in to me in a store buying new clothes for Saturday, Surprise over now. But what I can tell you is that I have dropped jean size or two. It was 8-10years ago when I wore this size. It felt great.



Remember that you are the "prize" to have and not the victim. Act like the prize.

Nice, thanks Sandii.

[MT21]

Cutter,

I chose a place thats not romantic, its busy, lively and kinda fun cause you have to cook your own food at the table. not a candle or cliche in sight.

I am hoping that it will make the mood a little lighter.

Outfit, Barber etc... all lined up.
(blew $500 bucks today on myself, man it felt good and I actually enjoyed shopping!)

I will be on show.

Actually I know I said I was carrying a few pounds before(now at ideal weight) but often her friends will comment on how handsome or good looking I am. (not to blow my own trumpet)

So even better if I can attract someone else's admiring glances eh?

And your right if another bomb gets dropped, I am not playing any more.
Its time to get tough.

Thanks for your advice it is most welcome.

I will keep you posted.

MT

[MT21]

Sandii,

Just noticed I really messed up the response to you got all muddled with quotes in quotes etc...

So my reply is nested within your original post.

Sorry

MT