Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

Journaling ~ Long

Living with my family has taken a toll on my boys and I...

My little one has become bratty (lack of a better word), screaming, throwing things, cursing, hitting - Basically acting like a 2 year old have a temper tantrum.

Sleeping with him is interrupting my sleep however this is the best I have right now...

Since court my oldest has been much better, helping me with the little one, being respectful and kind, doing odd things around the house etc...

Neither of them like being parented by every adult in the house and I don't like it either - Never have and that isn't changing now.

If I am at work, that is understandable however if I am standing right there, back off.

That is my family for you though...

So with the new year and hopefully child support in place, my objective is to find a place to live as well as a car...

I have been trying to picture my life as a divorced single parent and while it does take my breath away at times, I know in my heart I can do it - I may not want to, however I can...

It has taken me almost 5 months to get to this place.

In the 5 months since he left, I have learned so much about myself and for that I am grateful...

I am also learning how to put back my soul one small piece at a time.

My faith is growing everyday...

I am thankful for the time I get with my boys now - Time H is missing however that is something he will have to come to terms with.

I have walked around trying like hell to do damage control for something I never asked for...

I have lied about him to our boys just so they don't think badly of him, lied to family and friends as well and for what? This isn't something I should feel guilty over.

Today I am laying down the guilt that seems to follow me around everywhere I go...

I am a good woman and I never deserved this - Our boys never deserved this however finally I realize, it isn't about me and it isn't about our children - He is the one with something broken in him and as long as he continues to run from the problem instead of facing it head-on, we will continue this cycle - That isn't fair to my boys - They need someone who is stable, loving, kind, fair and there for them - Like it or not, that someone is me.

Am I giving up on R - No - But it can't be my focus day in and day out...

I have twisted myself into something I am not just because of words he projected at me...

I have lost way to much weight in a very short amount of time, my hair used to be thick but started falling out and is now thinner then it has ever been, I am having my face break out which never happens and my (excuse me gentlemen) "friend" is here for the 3rd time in one month...

This isn't healthy for me nor my kids. I have allowed this to overshadow the important things in life - My health, my kids, my job etc...

My wish for the holiday season (besides my name) - That the new ones coming in daily heed the advice of the veterans - Don't think you can do it on your own because you can't...

I tried to help a newbie and I was so frustrated because no matter what I said they didn't want to hear it - They wanted validation for what they had already planned to do ahead of time and because of that I extend my apologies to the veterans who came to me in the beginning, the ones I blew off (you know who you are).

Once I thought this through, then and only then did I have a little bit of peace within.

I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to go through life angry and not smiling...

This is the beginning of a new day for me - A day to continue to look up, count and give thanks for my blessings, a day to move forward from the pain that has threatened to overtake me, a day to learn from the pain and then to release it, a day to take back my life and enjoy each and everything that comes my way.