Been following many sitches for almost 6 months and feel it's time for advise from the vets on the forum.
Our marriage and emotional connection was good and healthy until the birth of our son. We struggled to get pregnant for years, including invitro until we finally gave up and it happened naturally. It was a glorious experience although Mrs. Nomad suddenly changed in many ways. She vowed to not be a sahm and become fat and began intensive exercise including triathalons. This become more intense and time consuming as years went by. I became resentful that I was the sahd all the time that she was out training. I began rejecting her sexual advances and our marriage began to deteriorate. Her training partners, M & F, became more of her life, both physically and emotionally. She complained about my disinterest in her activities and my LD. I withdrew and did not understand what she was trying to communicate at the time.
One year ago, she became very distant and assimilated by aliens. I scheduled a meeting and reviewed our lives together to try to uncover the problems. The bomb dropped, she claimed ILYBINILWY, she's not into this marriage thing and she'd been seeing IC for several months, who said she had one toe in the door of our marriage. She sought separation all the time counseling 4 other girlfriends going through similar struggles.
Now I know, I played all the wrong cards, pleaded, juicy cards, gifts, flowers even a ring. Thinking sex was the root of our probs I became a pursuing maniac. I began IC who immediately said back off, shut up and become a good listener. Focus on myself and what I want. Take care of myself.
9 months ago, evidence of EA and PA was discovered. I've still not disclosed my intel as activities continue to this day. I discovered these forums, read DR, began 180s,GALing and completely changed my behavior. Quit smoking after 32 years, began exercise, grooming, diet, dress and attitude. She began to notice and now claims to have one foot in the door although she still wants to WA.
We did 4 mos. of MC where she says she wants to work on the marriage but no action has happened. Bad sex is now only once a month and only when I initiate. We sleep in the same bed, are polite and friendly to each other but have become totally emotionally disconnected with virtually no physical contact at all.
She is now unemployed which is hampering her exit stategy. She wants to live alone with our son and get me out of her life. She says her emotional needs are satisfied by her girlfriends. The EA and probably PA appear to be continuing.
A month ago I found a condom in her purse, she said it was from a girl's toy party of 3 years ago and that's she's not having an affair. I called her bluff and asked about any other infidelity. She said there was in the past to satisfy the lack I gave her but no love involved. I left it at that for now.
I set the boundary that I could not continue in this relationship without a deep emotional connection. I've seen no improvement or action from her since.
At this point, how do I continue:
1. Continue DBing as usual. 2. Propose MC. 3. Set the no 3rd party boundary. 4. Set the I will not tolerate disrespect boundary. 5. Fold, accept my losses and leave. 6. Drop my bomb, spill all my beans and let the chips fall.
I appreciate all the advise and recommendations I can get at this point.
Can you please elaborate a little. You have 6 points but they seem to contradict each other. #1,2,3 and 4 seem at odds with #5 and 6. Were you wanting to stay in the marriage or leave the marriage. I've read your post twice and cannot tell.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Yes, I do want to stay in the marriage. I'm frustrated that the IC and MC advice is to back off and I don't see how I can address the relationship issues without at least talking about the marriage. It's like fighting with one hand tied behind your back.
I've been very patience and methodical about DBing up to this point. I want to know what the next step in BDing should be.
M-49 W-48 M-18, T-24 S-12 -------------- 12/08-ILYBINILWY 3/09-EA & PA Discovered 4/09-Began DBing 1/10-2nd Bomb PA Fully Disclosed
A month ago I found a condom in her purse, she said it was from a girl's toy party of 3 years ago and that's she's not having an affair.
She's having a affair.
keep working on yourself, bust up the affair and lovingly detach.
Go look at Wonderfuls thread, read up on the boundary setting and how to get your self-respect back.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Any suggestions on "busting up the affair"? She has a date with the OM Sat. night, should I give her condom back and recommend she use it or just detach and ignore it?
She suggests I pursue sex elsewhere, i.e. get a girlfriend, cgaigslist, etc. Any advice?
M-49 W-48 M-18, T-24 S-12 -------------- 12/08-ILYBINILWY 3/09-EA & PA Discovered 4/09-Began DBing 1/10-2nd Bomb PA Fully Disclosed
Quote: I am always amazed when I hear people talking about setting boundaries. You seem to be doing the same thing that I see most people do regarding boundaries. You are trying to make a boundary that is easy on you and still keep your self respect.
However.. You are dancing all around the only boundary that is staring you in the face that needs to be addressed. That boundary is HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. THAT is the boundary. That is what you need to address. That is the boundary that will gain back your self respect and help him to respect you. You can try and make boundaries on other issues all day long, but until you get to the meat of the issue then you are just wasting time. If you were wanting a boundary from keeping your dog to leave the yard would you first try to set a boundary on stopping the dog from barking??? Wouldn't it make more sense to put up a fence? The barking has nothing to do with the dog gettng out of the yard. The FENCE is the boundary that is the correct answer, not the boundary on stopping him from barking.
The TRUE boundary here is this... "I have done some thinking and this is what I have decided. I think it is best that YOU move out. The sooner the better. I will not live in a marriage like this. I will not live with a man who is having an affair. I wasn't a perfect wife, but I now realize that I have tolerated you having an affair and I will not do that anymore. I want you to find another place and be out of here by________"(give him a week or two)...
Now, THAT is a boundary. THAT will get your self respect back. You are focused on trying to set boundaries that miss the mark. The boundary IS NO AFFAIRS. There is nothing else to talk about. If that is what he chooses, so be it. You will not be a party to it. Then let him go and let him see that you are moving on without him. He wants to be friend then? Let HIM try to be YOUR friend. You can be friendly, but trying to be a friend with a spouse in an affair is nothing more than pursuit and weakness. They sense that. (which you admit he basically said of you) He can't respect you until you SHOW him how tough you are and that a third person is not an option for you. THAT is the boundary. Stop being wishy washy about boundaries. Get right to the real boundary here.
I would phrase the boundary like this:
"wife, I have decided I won't share you with another man. If you continue to spend time and energy away from this marriage then I will ask you to leave. I will not tolerate an affair and I will ask you to be gone in __________ if you continue to have contact with OM."
You can't waver on this. It's strong and honorable. It's all about her choices. It's you having self-respect.
Do some homework on what attracts a woman to a man and why boundaries work in healthy relationships before you respond.
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Any suggestions on "busting up the affair"? She has a date with the OM Sat. night, should I give her condom back and recommend she use it or just detach and ignore it?
She suggests I pursue sex elsewhere, i.e. get a girlfriend, cgaigslist, etc. Any advice?
I would tell her:
"I will not live in an open marriage. I will not share my wife with another man, and for you to tell me ahead of time that's what you're doing is incredibly disrespectful and just WRONG.
"If you go thru with this on Saturday night, then don't bother coming home, and I will immediately seek a divorce."
When she tells you to seek sex and affection elsewhere, tell her:
"Thank you for your concern, but I'm just fine and I have decided that I will not break my marriage vows as long as we are still married. I can't control you if you choose to, but that's not who I am. Do know that if you continue to choose to have sex with another man, then I will consider our marriage over and proceed to protect myself."
I followed Wonderful's thread and established this boundary last night:
"Mrs. NOMAD-
As an individual, 2 weeks ago I told you that I could not continue in our relationship without an emotional connection. Since then I have seen no action on your part and this is why I am seeking MC and have scheduled an appointment for next Wed.
As an individual, your husband and our son's father I have decided that I will not share you with any other man. I will not tolerate an open marriage or any 3rd party in our relationship.
If you continue to spend any emotional or physical time and energy with any other man away from this marriage then I will ask you to leave.
I will not tolerate any EA or PA of any kind and I will ask you to be gone immediately if you continue to have contact with any other men in this regard."
There was no denial, she calmly ask where I was coming from and wanted to talk about details. I calmly said that I was establishing where my repsonsibilities end and her's begin, that I did not want to discuss details at this time and that we could do that in MC. She asked if it had to wait until Wed., I patiently said yes and left the room.
We went to a party, she asked if she could wear her wedding ring (first time it's been out in 6 months). I asked why and if she was comfortable doing that. She said because we were going out as a couple and yes she was comfortable.
I'm taking this very slowly but I do feel a new sense of self respect.
Thank you Coach and PDT, your wisdom is invaluable.
M-49 W-48 M-18, T-24 S-12 -------------- 12/08-ILYBINILWY 3/09-EA & PA Discovered 4/09-Began DBing 1/10-2nd Bomb PA Fully Disclosed
