Hope and heartache

[mishka422]

Sit down with her and set the boundary in the beginning. Lay a calendar in front of you both for the summer, block out your preferred weeks and let her choose hers. I like the idea of telling her that you would prefer to wait until after the holidays to discuss the camp issue. No harm in that.

FYI - the majority of kids in the US do not go to summer camps. Most aren't even in day camps. Child care - yes. Camp - no. It's not up to the kids to decide what their parents can afford regardless of the situation. Don't use the whole 'missing out' argument as an excuse to blame your W. It does seem that awest is correct in that assesment. Bitterness toward our S's creeps in when we least expect it. Don't let it get any farther or that is what will actually start affecting your girls without you even realizing it.

[ClingingToHope]

The summer stuff comes from my background. My mom was a stay-at-home mom and then we lived with my grandmother after my parents divorced.

So when school let out, it was time to play. I loved my summers.Every single minute of them.

So I've worked hard to make the summer as fun as possible for the kids since both of us work. I hate having them sit in some day care watching TV and playing video games. They sit around enough already.

That sometimes caused friction with W because it occasionally conflicted with her work schedule -- which then caused me to adjust mine even more to fit hers.

On a positive note, I just went through the calendar of events for my summer second job -- working at running races and triathlons -- and seven of the eight largest races, where I'm guaranteed to work, come on my weeks where I'm kid free. That's $2,800 right there. I should be able to fit in five or six smaller events. I may not be bankrupt after all. 2010 is shaping up nicely for me.

And I'm feeling good acting "as if" this is all going to work out. As Dottie reminded me, there's been no filing. I'm not actually getting divorced.

[awest1217]

I am glad to see Dottie helped you. Telling W you want to talk about vacations and waiting on the camp part is a great idea. If she asks why, or starts to try to bait you just tell her we will talk about it later because you are not ready to discuss it now. Don't bring up anything else and stay calm.

Have a good night!

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi CTH,
Glad to hear things are looking better financially. Thanks again for stopping by my thread. I know it's so hard to stay positive, for me the past week or so has been esp. hard - holidays, legal paper work ugghhhh! One thing I've done, & should do again -soon! - is just start making a list of everything I'm grateful for. Anything & everything. It sounds trite but for me it just stops the spiral, & sometimes it helps.

FWIW, I think your DDs are lucky to have a loving dad who cares so much about their happiness. That is worth more than all the camps & vacations in the world. I wonder if you have summer day-camp programs where you live - might help fill in some of their summer days. Keep up the strength & take care of yourself.

[ClingingToHope]

Over at the old house to take D10 to swimming practice when W gets home early. While D10 was getting ready, I picked up an American Girl Doll magazine and was leafing through it. I thought it was interesting that it was out because the girls are going to miss out on their annual American Girl Doll store visit because W doesn't have the money.

W asked if I was going to have time to sit down and decide the vacation schedule this week. She did not bring up the camps.

I told her to email me the dates she was going to take off and then I'll pick my three weeks around those.

After swimming, she asked if I could stay for a few minutes so she could run out and buy groceries. D7 was excited. She asked if I was moving back in? I said no, mommy needed to run to the store.

Then I snooped. Haven't been able to stop myself. Got on her FaceBook -- it's really easy -- and saw a possible OM emailed her. It's an old classmate who has sent her a couple of ingratiating messages, the kind of flirty stuff you send when you are trying to get to know someone better.

I deleted it. Not sure if that's the smartest thing to do -- but what's done is done. I've considered asking a friend who knows this guy to remind him that W is a married woman, but then she'd wonder how I knew in the first place. The best plan is to play it close to the vest.

After W got back, she told me that D10's teacher called to compliment D10 today. As D10 explained what she did in class, W shot me a couple of smiles and looks. I kissed the girls and left kind of suddenly. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to linger and say goodbye to W. I was late getting back to the Y to play racquetball with a coworker.

I'm not reading anything into any of the interactions.

I'm not very happy this OM keeps messaging, but what can I do about it? I keep telling myself to act "as if." As if this is going to work out and this is just a phase.

Today was just another day to check off on the long road ahead for me. As Dottie reminded me, I'm not actually getting divorced. Nothing has been filed. Tomorrow is another day and I'll get the girls for the night.

[mishka422]

CTH!!!!!!! STOP THE SNOOPING!!!! It's only going to hurt you in the end. Are you trying to catch her in something so that you have an out? What is the motivation there?

[ClingingToHope]

I guess I want to know what it is I'm battling.

[TulsaTime]

Hey CTH,

Just wanted to let you know I'm following along. You're not alone.

I wish I had some good advice or answers for you as I'm fighting my own battles too. Be a great YOU first, a great father and show your spouse unconditional love, but find out what that is. When we don't know what to do, we can take some comfort knowing we're doing the RIGHT thing.

It's hard to see but I believe we're being refined and our character molded. This happened to allow that process. This didn't happen by chance. Now is a time to dream big, become the person you always thought you could be.

[awest1217]

You really need to stop snooping. I am the queen of snooping. I can get on any of H's accounts, check the phone records, text messages, facebook...etc. It does not help. You don't know everything that is being said so you just start assuming and putting your own spin on things. I do that a lot. I can't help myself either and over time it is getting easier and easier. I don't want to defend myself because I know I need to stop, but H has been having other interests for years, lies and lies about them, until I can point to the proof and then he still denies it so I am always trying to find out the truth because he will never tell me.

Snooping does nothing, but build resentment. Something else to think about aren't you doing the same thing she is? You have a possible interest. You may not be flirting a ton, but you said you go places where people W knows will see you with this group and other interest is there. If you are going to snoop and get mad about W, then you also need to keep yourself in check.

Snooping is just going to hurt your and your M more. Work on you. Be the best you, you can be. Like TT said. Now is the time to work on the things you would like to change about yourself. Do you want to become a snooper? I know it is hard, and I am taking things one step at a time. I find it small victories for me that I have not gone over to the house H is at to see if OW's car is there in the morning. It kills me because I know that would let me know if she is there or not, but ultimately it will just hurt me so I am staying out of it.

Advice from someone who is there. It is hard to stop and is extremely addicting so stop while it is still early!

[ClingingToHope]

Here's a weird thing. My body clock is slowly but surely adjusting. When I moved out in May, I was so used to being the one doing most of the work to get the kids off to school that I rarly could sleep past 6 a.m. More and more I'm having problems getting up by 8 a.m. since I don't "have" to be at work until 9 a.m.