I agree with DM and Grace about if he moves out. He is clearly still dealing with the MLC and needs time to sort it out, whether it is home or elsewhere. You sound like you are rolling with the punches pretty well. And he really does sound like he is projecting SO much onto you!
K, you seem to be holding up sooo well. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I have kinda come to the conclusion that I don't think it is worth living on pins and needles, even if it's not forever, life is so short even a year feeling that way again is not worth it. Do you think you will ever completely trust him again, and do you want to live feeling that way? My XH came home after a separation and did exactly what yours is doing, and it was awful to live each day wondering if today was the day he would leave again, the day I would find out he was back with OW, etc. He got so defensive of me "checking up" on him and since I have found out he was back with OW and he needed to be that way for a reason, he was doing me wrong yet again.
I am in no way saying your H is with old OW or new OW. Each case is soooo very different. You really seem to be doing a lot better than I did, I didn't do DB at all, I didn't know about it back then. And, I am not saying to give up at all!! I would never tell anyone to do that, but really search your soul and ask yourself if you really want to be pulled in different directions almost constantly, with no real peace. I love my XH still, I am making changes for me, but my house and my heart is much more peaceful not having him in my life each day wondering what crazy thing he is going to say or do next. My kids are more at peace too, they have huge issues, but they know what they are coming home to each day, and it isn't a Dad who changes with the wind and is on his own personal roller-coaster, flighty, in and out of the tunnel each day, and constantly taking cracks and mean jabs at their mom.
Again, please don't take this as I am telling you to give up or even hinting at it, but you deserve the best, peace in your heart and normalicy. Hang in there, I feel for you in a big way!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Augtan- You are right each person's situation is different and yet very similar.
I do think I'll be able to trust my H again. I already have forgiven him. I think sometimes that at this point he has to forgive me and he isn't there yet. I asked for his forgiveness a few weeks ago, forgiveness for not hearing him, for not understanding him better, for lots of things. He said he appreciated me asking for his forgiveness and thought he could just say "I forgive you"- but I siad he needs to think about it and process it and when he no longer has anger about the past, that will be when he forgives me.
I have a limit with living with H like this. I guess i'll know it when I hit it. I'm a pretty patient person in most(but not all) circumstances.
I really try hard to see H's behaviors for what they are(MLC)-more as symptoms of his 'disease'...the things he's done and said really are totally alien to the H I've known for 21 years.
In some ways H is more 'normal' now, there is just no love/no intimacy...he's just sharing the townhome and bed and parenting. Not sure if this is how he is really feeling (and therefore he'll leave again permanently) or if its a stage in the whole process. In any case its very disconcerting b/c I don't feel really anything positive or negative from H right now.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
If he does in fact leave does not necessarily mean it will be permanent. There have been a number of people on here who's spouses came home and left multiple times.
Hi D, I realize that. I'm thinking permanently in that I think(but of course, am not positively sure) that will be my last straw. Not that I would push for a divorce, but I really wouldn't work on the relationship with H anymore. I also think that if H left again for him it would be permanent. He hates being in limbo which is where he's been most of this year.
I told H awhile ago that if we divorce that I don't think I'd want any contact with him. I knew Id have to have some with the girls, but in my heart he would be dead to me. I was sharing that with him as a way of explaining the depth of my hurt that I'd already felt being separated and asked for a divorce and how I think I would want to cope with that kind of pain again. Any reminders of him hurt too much in that situation.
I have great respect for those who've had spouses come and go time and again. I just don't think I could cope well with that. Of course, one never knows til presented with the situation( I didn't think I could overcome infidelity but I did).
Just confused about H right now. He says nice things to me once in awhile and acts normal somewhat but no physical contact or even hand holding. No "Goodnight"..just rolls over and goes to sleep. Just don't get it and that stress is making me think the worst.
We have marriage counseling this Friday and I'm wondering if he's going to drop a bomb on me in therapy.
His next therapy session is 12/31...
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I know exactly what you mean by your H was never this alien person he is now, mine wasn't either and we were together 21 years too..weird! He was a wonderful husband and father, home every night
You will know your limit when you reach it, but just take good care of yourself in the meantime.
I moved 700 miles away when XH moved out the second time, for the same reasons you listed you wouldn't want contact except for the kids. I just couldn't take seeing him with another woman either, don't know if I ever will get over that or not. The one and only time I saw him with her, I went nuts, I mean out of my mind crazy!! I know my limits and seeing the man I married, had three kids with, promised to love me, promised too many times to never, ever cheat on me, who told me everyday I was the "love of his life", have been with since I was 18 yrs. old with OW was just not going to work for me..ever! I would have been an episode of "Snapped" forsure! I know he is in MLC and if I had stayed near him I fear I would have never been able to do any DBing at all. This way, I am very dark with him and I don't to deal with him day to day at all.
You are very brave and sound very patient! I hope your session on Friday goes better than expected! Hang in there, you are a strong woman!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I too hope your session on Friday goes well. Remember, expectations are expectations, good or bad. Don't assume a bomb is going to be dropped on Friday. At this point you don't know what is going on in his mind other than a whole lot of confusion.
I realize that. I'm thinking permanently in that I think(but of course, am not positively sure) that will be my last straw. Not that I would push for a divorce, but I really wouldn't work on the relationship with H anymore. I also think that if H left again for him it would be permanent. He hates being in limbo which is where he's been most of this year.
How do you know IF it would be permanent? There is no way he knows. His thoughts are bouncing all over the place. That is why you see the normal and not so normal H.
Originally Posted By: kjensen
I have great respect for those who've had spouses come and go time and again. I just don't think I could cope well with that. Of course, one never knows til presented with the situation( I didn't think I could overcome infidelity but I did).
So you wouldn't be able to handle it even though you know it's all part of the process IF it happens?
Originally Posted By: kjensen
Just confused about H right now. He says nice things to me once in awhile and acts normal somewhat but no physical contact or even hand holding. No "Goodnight"..just rolls over and goes to sleep. Just don't get it and that stress is making me think the worst.
Again this is good evidence of his cycling behaviors. Are you expecting physical contact? Are you expecting him to say "Goodnight"? If you are then you need to stop. Your expectations are driving your rollercoaster right now.
I see you playing the what if game. You seem so caught up in if this happens or if that happens.
D- Thank you. I'm trying to detach. Hopes got up when 'normal' H appeared...I know I'm still on the ride. Trying to keep a beginner's mind.
I guess I've been thinking about my limits. I realize thinking about them and what they are in a real situation may be completely different.
I'm a bit worn out. I think that makes me more emotional and less clear-thinking.
The few things I "liked" in my MLC relationship with H(more physical contact, hand-holding at night, pecks on the lips) have disappeared overnight. I know its par for the course, but now there is nothing I like, to tide me through. I know I need to get used to it and its more than alot of us get...just missing it a bit.
Thanks for the wake-up post!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I'm a bit worn out. I think that makes me more emotional and less clear-thinking.
I've been where you're at. I'll pass along what J3B told me at that time. Now you have insight to what an MLCer is experiencing all the time. They run on emotion and now you see how it distorts the thinking. When you are feeling like that, do something special for you.
I know it's hard. My wife is so steadfast in her belief that she's not coming back. It feels like she will always only think of me as a friend, but I have the belief that her feelings for me will come back. Sometimes you just have to rely on faith.
