Saffie, I never chose to move on than work on the R I had with my H. I moved on when we said we were divorcing and after I knew he was spending the time he "was supposed to think about what to do" with her... He didnt want any R with me for 18 months or more.
What I have been doing the last three years hasnt been easy. Yes you are right, maybe he feels I am the one for him while I have serious doubts. You are right. And the more I see him hesitant, the more he confesses he feels blocked, my doubts get bigger... I will think about what you are saying, I have been thinking how things may have been different if I had not "moved on" only to be forced back to a rocky R with H. But I stuck by it, for a year, I was "trusting" him, thinking he had no reason to come back if he was still with her, until last August...
What I meant about dark thoughts was that I feel I am not strong enough to deal with them as you seem to be, even if they are rare for you now. Maybe I am one of those bitter persons that cant forgive...Maybe I am just weak.
I drove him to the airport. Very hard thing for me. People that went with him, know her very well. They have seen her in trips, had dinner with her, not as his GF, but I am sure not everybody is stupid as I was. And thinking what crosses their minds looking at me, made me sick. I had to leave the group while waiting for him to check ina couple of times not to scream at him that this is all so absurd. People kept talking about previous trips where she was with him, mentioning little incidents, funny ones, just conversing. I wanted to disappear.
Lan, I think he is fighting the addiction. If he decides now he wants her, then... I wont take it easily but what can I do. I am waiting for someinfo that may give me insight on what their current R is, if there is an R still. He hasnt sent the email, he hasnt blocked her address, he hasnt given me the passwords. Dont think I am overlooking these. Maybe those would be the gestures that would make me committ to be with him as Saffie says. His words, mean nothing to me now.
I was reading an article that said "Compassion Vs trust" and how you can be compassionate but not expect to trust your spouse after infidelity till he earns that trust. If it turns out he is honest and there is NC, I will do that. I am already doing it to a certain degree.
Tomato, thanks for the prayers. Unfortunately she is a very impressing woman, I dont think I outshine her... K
