Saffie, I never chose to move on than work on the R I had with my H. I moved on when we said we were divorcing and after I knew he was spending the time he "was supposed to think about what to do" with her... He didnt want any R with me for 18 months or more.
What I have been doing the last three years hasnt been easy. Yes you are right, maybe he feels I am the one for him while I have serious doubts. You are right. And the more I see him hesitant, the more he confesses he feels blocked, my doubts get bigger... I will think about what you are saying, I have been thinking how things may have been different if I had not "moved on" only to be forced back to a rocky R with H. But I stuck by it, for a year, I was "trusting" him, thinking he had no reason to come back if he was still with her, until last August...
What I meant about dark thoughts was that I feel I am not strong enough to deal with them as you seem to be, even if they are rare for you now. Maybe I am one of those bitter persons that cant forgive...Maybe I am just weak.
I drove him to the airport. Very hard thing for me. People that went with him, know her very well. They have seen her in trips, had dinner with her, not as his GF, but I am sure not everybody is stupid as I was. And thinking what crosses their minds looking at me, made me sick. I had to leave the group while waiting for him to check ina couple of times not to scream at him that this is all so absurd. People kept talking about previous trips where she was with him, mentioning little incidents, funny ones, just conversing. I wanted to disappear.
Lan, I think he is fighting the addiction. If he decides now he wants her, then... I wont take it easily but what can I do. I am waiting for someinfo that may give me insight on what their current R is, if there is an R still. He hasnt sent the email, he hasnt blocked her address, he hasnt given me the passwords. Dont think I am overlooking these. Maybe those would be the gestures that would make me committ to be with him as Saffie says. His words, mean nothing to me now.
I was reading an article that said "Compassion Vs trust" and how you can be compassionate but not expect to trust your spouse after infidelity till he earns that trust. If it turns out he is honest and there is NC, I will do that. I am already doing it to a certain degree.
Tomato, thanks for the prayers. Unfortunately she is a very impressing woman, I dont think I outshine her... K
Sorry to read that there are major trust issues lingering. I really feel for you when I read about you in the audi and driving to the airport etc. It seems that you almost do not believe that he would give her up for you....well he has (or says he has).... I realize that he is not even coming close to doing the things you rightfully expect (I think you had a list). Than you add the intimacy issue onto that and I understand your position. I hope that you can slowly get those thoughts out of your mind. I also hope that get you can slowly forgive him for past indiscretions...yes he needs to help but that the forgiveness issue is yours and yours alone. You can not go on living your life with doubts and anger....I would imagine that I am not helping...with my position on the male libido....I hope I am wrong....
It is very interesting about John bringing up the male libido. There must be something majorly going on in your H's head that is blocking his sexual drive towards you.
When I was with my girl friend last year, my libido was constantly there until the point where I stated figuring out that I needed to end the relationship. Then I just had no desire as my inner mind was in turmoil on how and when to break it off. I can even remember being shocked at myself for fibbing that I was too tired and wanted to sleep instead of going like a belt-fed motor.
Lotus is right that these thoughts are very destructive for you to be having. I remember creating images in my head of XW and her A (remember "the Snake") and all it did was drive me crazy! I know you've seen pictures which makes it 100X worse, but as long as you allow the images to pop into your head, you'll never be able to heal.
Try to tell yourself to "stop" whenever the images appear. It takes a lot of practice, but tell yourself that you won't allow these thoughts and images to cloud and contaminate your mind.
As someone who teaches an introductory Psychology class, I can tell you w/complete certainty that the mind CAN be rewired and you CAN reprogram yourself to think, act, feel, and believe in any way you wish. The key is you. You choose. You decide what you will and will not tolerate and then you get aggressive, consistent, and disciplined and your thoughts WILL change.
It is up to you and I'm not saying that changing your mindset will make you love H or anything, but what it will do is allow you to stop dwelling on these issues that have you locked up between the ears and in the heart.
Only once you are able to move past these issues will you be able to start to sort things out for yourself in the way that you really want them to happen.
With love as always, RTL
PS - Ali wrote:
Quote:
Hey I've met him and I wouldnt kick him out of bed
I've just got to say that their affair was anything but "love." It was attraction for sure, most likely mixed in w/some lust, but it wasn't anywhere near "love."
No, your H didn't love her. He may have been swept up and feeling euphoric, but he didn't love her.
Most A's are not about "love" but about the attraction, the lust, the danger of being caught, and the excitement of something new. Words are said, especially in an A, but the actions bear out in your H's favor that he wasn't in love w/her, but instead in "lust" and really attracted to her.
I noticed a big change in the way your H acted, by the way you wrote anyhow, when it all came out in the open. He was ashamed and I think also relieved. The lie was over and now he is trying to let all of that shame and humiliation go. I am sorry, but I think until he addresses all of that in himself he won't begin to understand all of what you felt. He is coming to grips with it all. I hope you can allow him that time.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey sunbeam...I agree with Kat. I know you're worried, but I still would be surprised if he had resumed the R, given everything he has said lately. I guess its either:
a) He hasnt resumed the R or had any contact at all, you just dont trust him and are fearful
b) She HAS been contacting him to beg him back (wouldnt be surprising) but he is embarressed, or feels bad for her and is trying to gently make her go away, but has not wanted to tell you, in case it 'stirs things up' again with you two, or you get the wrong idea and want a D (also wouldnt be surprising)
C) Or he HAS resumed contact with her and is still hooked in, or as my sister put it, not yet ready to fully embrace recovery and that he is therefore just a b*stard.
??
Wait and see what you find out hey...your stars from today, for this week are pretty interesting though !!! And this is more how I view it (that its a or b), but hey I could be wrong:
As long as you don’t look back this week, things are fixin’ to go your way. Recreating the past or the fear of it returning is the only thing now that will interrupt the current steady flow that may feel to have miraculously found you. Steady Saturn in your house of the Soul makes an easy angle to loving Venus in your house of commitments which may mean you finally feel someone is on board for the long haul, that you can finally count on that someone. This also suggests that the inner space that houses your Soul is starting to settle down, and that you are settling into a new and better stride.
Unexpected opportunities are waiting in the wings this month as Jupiter approaches your ruler Neptune. Stay open so they can make their way in.
I hope nothing bad comes to light this week, I hope its just a storm in a teacup.. as we brits say
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Course, all that drama happened yesterday.. on the Full Moon in Gemini, as H is. Full Moons bring things to culmination points. He panicked about his phone. You panicked. I dont know what it all means, but I feel this week IS a turning point, or will be when we look back on it. His stars are equally interesting:
Thanks to the cycles of the Moon, we get a few opportunities every month to really work on our stuff. The Moon reflects the emotional cycles that we all experience and it was just full in your sign, peaking in the west at midnight on Tuesday, December 1. Typically people are more emotional and far less rational at this time, which is a good thing for you Gemini. You out think the world so now is your chance to feel your way to a solution. Your house of relationships is hi lighted now and as Venus travels there and makes a supportive angle to Saturn in your house of love, you get a chance to fall in love with someone or something all over again.
It may take a little persistence and a total investment of the heart but the reward will make you feel like a kid again.
... so has he phoned you, or has he not arrived yet?
What I meant about dark thoughts was that I feel I am not strong enough to deal with them as you seem to be, even if they are rare for you now. Maybe I am one of those bitter persons that cant forgive...Maybe I am just weak.
I don't believe this. I think that your H is just not showing enough remorse and being open enough with you for you to be able to trust him and let him 'hold' your heart again. It is VERY scary and you have already been hurt badly.
Even though I had/have dark thoughts, my H DID open up completely and gave me access to everything. Although it made him very uncomfortable and he felt he was being continually tested, he became 100% transparent. I could not have dealt with it otherwise. In the end he even had to stop travelling with work because I would go crazy not being able to trust him. However, because he did want things to work he adjusted himself to accomodate my paranoia. That is what your H seems not to be doing.
One thing that did help my H understand that he needed to be so open etc. even though it made him feel uncomfortable, was reading about healing from infidelity. I am trying to remember exactly which book it is.....and I am not 100% sure..... but I think there might have been a bit in the 'Just Good Friends' book that was for the cheating spouse to read. It explained some of the ways the LBS might be feeling and why they needed certain things 'doing' in order to regain trust. I know my H felt shamed by what he had done and would rather have just tried to brush it all under the carpet, but he also realised I needed him to help me through it even though some of my questions/demands seemed a bit strange to him.
Quote:
I drove him to the airport. Very hard thing for me. People that went with him, know her very well. They have seen her in trips, had dinner with her, not as his GF, but I am sure not everybody is stupid as I was. And thinking what crosses their minds looking at me, made me sick. I had to leave the group while waiting for him to check ina couple of times not to scream at him that this is all so absurd. People kept talking about previous trips where she was with him, mentioning little incidents, funny ones, just conversing. I wanted to disappear.
(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))
I know these feelings SO well. My H is CEO of his Co. and all his staff did know about his A. He had even had me go to social functions when OW was there and everyone else knew about the A but me. I HATE his Co., and by default I dislike his staff; not one had the guts to tell me what was happening, ( even though after it was over and I had gotten rid of OW several told me what a relief it was she was gone). I know I shouldn't feel uncomfortable with them, or even dislike them, as it was my H and OW that were in the wrong, but I DO feel that way. I have no choice about it as it pays my family's upkeep and we live a good life - but I hate it.
Even if people DO know about your H's OW, the chances are they did not like the sitch and they felt uncomfortable. Hold your head up high- YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.
Maria, what do you need to see from your H in order for you to feel he is really committed to making this work?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I want the following : the mail to her his passwords to get rid off whatever she gave him/is connected to her :gifts, tapes etc etc answer a few questions he avoids to change cars tell me he loves me wear his ring hug me and kiss me more
