WAW Using God

[pigskin]

It's one thing to be prepared to face the end. It's another thing to be totally passive about it ("whatever happens with this, happens").

Google and read about The Stockdale Paradox. THAT is how you combine the two outlooks!

You seem to be simply giving up.

Puppy

I'm not giving up Puppy. Far from it. I'm very direct with her with regard to what I expect. I just realize that I can't control her, and I need to be prepared for her to implode before my eyes. I control what I can control, and leave the rest to God.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And yet, from you, I read

"She sounds sincere about it";

"I'm going to trust her";

"We'll see what happens";

"deep down, I don't believe she will have it in her to destroy our family";

etc.

I think you're being blindly naive, Pigskin.

Puppy

You may be right Puppy. But at this point I've pretty much tried everything.

With all due respect, Pigskin -- I don't think you have.

I went back and re-read your entire thread, in case I was remembering it incorrectly (I wasn't). Go back to mid-Sept., and re-read the advice that Coach and Thinker and Stuck (and myself) were giving to you back then. When I read your replies to them, all I see are excuses for your own passive behavior. You never really set or enforced any significant boundaries with your wife, (other than the "no texting OM from inside the house," which worked for you very well, btw.)

I don't see where you EVER took a strong stand with your wife, and steeled yourself thru the blowback that would come, to see what might emerge on the other side.

It was interesting, too, that you say in your signature that on Sept. 9th "Pigskin on the offensive." Funny, I must have missed those posts, because I never really saw any offensive.

Look, if you're tired and you want to give up, I completely understand. And if you want to divorce your wife, even the Church wouldn't blame you, as adultery is grounds even in the most conservative of churches. But please just don't say "you tried everything," when you haven't.

I think you're confusing Christian forgiveness with passivity and appeasement.

Puppy

[MrBond]

I agree with Puppy. If you're going to stand your ground and establish boundaries, then just do it. Don't make excuses. It's what feels right in your gut.

I can pretty much guarantee that once she's out of the house, she's going to be seeing the OM more often. Don't think that she'll come to a miraculous conversion once on her own. The difference between her being at home and her being away is that she's not going to have to feel guilty any more with you not hovering over her.

What have you been doing for your own life? What have you been doing to be sure YOU are taken care of?

[pigskin]

With all due respect, Pigskin -- I don't think you have.

I went back and re-read your entire thread, in case I was remembering it incorrectly (I wasn't). Go back to mid-Sept., and re-read the advice that Coach and Thinker and Stuck (and myself) were giving to you back then. When I read your replies to them, all I see are excuses for your own passive behavior. You never really set or enforced any significant boundaries with your wife, (other than the "no texting OM from inside the house," which worked for you very well, btw.)

I don't see where you EVER took a strong stand with your wife, and steeled yourself thru the blowback that would come, to see what might emerge on the other side.

It was interesting, too, that you say in your signature that on Sept. 9th "Pigskin on the offensive." Funny, I must have missed those posts, because I never really saw any offensive.

Look, if you're tired and you want to give up, I completely understand. And if you want to divorce your wife, even the Church wouldn't blame you, as adultery is grounds even in the most conservative of churches. But please just don't say "you tried everything," when you haven't.

I think you're confusing Christian forgiveness with passivity and appeasement.

Puppy

You're right. I told her that contact stops with the OM or she moves out, and gave her a deadline of the end of the month. She then lost her job, which made it financially more of a stretch, but I didn't say "get out, whether we can afford it or not".

She's moving out this month. I told her absolutely no contact or my deal is off. Not sure what else I can do.

[pigskin]

I agree with Puppy. If you're going to stand your ground and establish boundaries, then just do it. Don't make excuses. It's what feels right in your gut.

I can pretty much guarantee that once she's out of the house, she's going to be seeing the OM more often. Don't think that she'll come to a miraculous conversion once on her own. The difference between her being at home and her being away is that she's not going to have to feel guilty any more with you not hovering over her.

What have you been doing for your own life? What have you been doing to be sure YOU are taken care of?

That's a real possibility, stuck. But I can't control what she does. If I find any evidence of her violating my trust, the deal is off as far as me cooperating with it and letting her stay at home while I go to her place.

I really am banking on God reaching her.

As far as myself, I am fine. Not depressed, more frustrated. In great health, physically and mentally. Just fighting through this. It could be worse.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sometimes God wants to work thru US.

I prayed for YEARS to God to help my low-libido'd wife just WANT me. To "fix" her. To fix our marriage.

It wasn't until I faced my fears and started trudging thru the basic blocking and tackling that needed to be done, that He began to do a work in us.

Puppy

[ClingingToHope]

This is a question for Puppy. What is the status of your M?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

We are reconciled, attending ongoing MC, and enjoying a better sexual relationship than we have had in 15-18 years. Oh, we still have our issues, and are still trying to break some of our old habits, but we've restored our "best friendship," our sexual relationship, and well on our way to restoring our marriage.

Why do you ask?

Puppy

[ClingingToHope]

Interested. If I remember right you are a big believer in busting affairs. Did you go through that? And how did you get the R back on track? I seek out the success stories for inspiration. Is there a link to an old thread?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yes. Got about 30 hours?

My Old Threads as "Chocolateeyes"

My wife's affair was mid-May to late August, 2007.

Puppy