I'll start and end with the question: What else can I do that I am not already doing to save this beautiful marriage?
My story is so similar to many on here but unique at the same time. I am 42, and my beautiful bride is 40. We have been married 16 years (together 17-1/2) and have two beautiful boys, 4 and 7. We moved to our current city 1-1/2 years ago for me to take a great job with a great future. Of course, my future was so bright I went off my anti-depressants when we moved. My wife had to quit her tenured teaching job at our previous location to move. During the spring, my major depression became pretty deep, and I withdrew from being a father, husband and man for my family. We had some hidden costs with our new house, and I blamed her for wanting a big house with a big yard. I wanted a modest house or condo so our weekends could be family focused. While long-term subbing here, she met a divorced male teacher and started an EA. Interestingly, he and I look like twin brothers and have the same interests, particularly my wife. Confronting her at the beginning led to her screaming "he's just a friend." By the end of school, my wife wanted a trial separation and moved to her mom's house for 3 weeks. She saw her EA partner while she was there, and they emailed and spoke on the phone dozens (really hundreds) of times. Over the summer, they lots of time together with the kids at parks while I was working. While she was gone, I decided to change all of the things she wanted me to change - I am by her words, a great father, man, and (I submit) husband now. After she returned from the trial separation, we started MC, but the counselor "believed" her when she said the EA partner was just a friend. She told me to BACK OFF! When I did, the EA became deeper and more intense. The final minute of the last of four counseling sessions was her saying divorce no other choice. I made all of the classic mistakes of begging, trying to point out how "wrong" she is, how what she is doing is adultery, etc. She asked for space and when I gave it, she filled it with the EA partner which drove me to want to get closer. She has said over and over she has anger about how I have "emotionally abused" her over the past years and even more anger about how she has put up with it for so long. I had to Google emotional abuse because I have never heard of it. I would classify our marriage as textbook WAW, with a MLC and a little Media Hype thrown in. Her Mom told me she is having a MLC. Media Hype because her happiness is more important than our children or my happiness. She said our problems started one year ago and then progressed (as the affair deepened) to the beginning of our 16 year marriage. She has given me the ILYBIANILWY, it will be better for our kids because mommy will be happier, and the ever classic "we have been leading separate lives(?)" as excuses for her behavior. She as repeatedly stated that there were no good times in our marriage. The photo albums I showed her and the cards I gave her that she has saved for over a decade elicit a "so" response in all cases. She said that 5 years ago she started to fall out of love with me. That was news to me! She admitted to the EA in Sept and told me she wanted a divorce. Needless to say, she got angrier and angrier as I pointed out the damage divorce would cause our two boys, 4 and 7. We saw our pastor who tried to encourage a controlled separation without seeing other people. She absolutely refused voluntary limits on her behavior with other men. She teaches Sunday School. She finally moved out the last weekend of Oct because I refused to do so because I do not want space. I know my W and EA partner have spent considerable time together since she moved out, and I would be surprised if the affair has not become physical too. I asked her to choose to end the EA by Nov 27 (our 16th anniversary). I feel I can't be married to someone who is in an affair. I told her if she cannot choose to end the affair, I will choose to divorce. She took that as a major threat and hired a L. So now we have L's and are going to do a mediation on the way to D. I only discovered the DR book last Sat. I have given her space by not talking about us, not calling, no conversation except about the kids. I have fixed the depression, lost 30 pounds, started running recreational races, got some new clothes and new glasses, and generally gotten on with my new life. I also have my boys 50% right now, which is exhilarating. I am in our home and have re-decorated it too, which makes her mad when she comes for the boys.
I feel like I need to respect her wishes by giving her space (even though it's filled by the affair) and going through with the divorce. She knows my wishes very clearly. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. However, I am not willing to live with the affair any more.
I'll start and end with the question: What else can I do that I am not already doing to save this beautiful marriage?
