SSM guy, you state, "I find it curious that the advice people normally give is that sex isn't everything. But if there's no sex, people assume your marriage must be a sham, and what could you possibly be getting out of marriage, as if there's nothing but sex. What dysfunctional codependency is going on?"
I think every poster to you is trying to make the same point: neither a sexless marriage nor marriage without sex is capable of fulfilling both your body AND soul (and we are all creatures who need to nurture both). The most mind-blowing sex is only possible in a committed relationship in which partners are completely open to each other. Meanwhile, the amount of emotional connection possible in a sexless marriage is hugely restricted because there is AT LEAST a half of each of you that you never share--hence, you are not experiencing very profound intimacy. Are you able to discuss all your non-sexual hopes, fears, shame, confusion, etc, with your wife?
Any marriage in which 2 people cling together in order to avoid having to face themselves is by definition dysfunctionally co-dependent. Schnarch's 6 levels represent levels of reduced co-dependency. Your wife does not want to face her sexual abuse or explore her sexual nature, while you, perhaps, seek to avoid any emotional connection with a sexual partner?
Schnarch describes complete physical and emotional engagement with one's partner: "Arousal and orgasm come effortlessly. Orgasm almost seems secondary because it is no longer the focus of attention. ... You may feel yourself moved to tears by the happiness and love you never felt yourself capable of feeling. ... When orgasm occurs, it's explosive AND illuminating. New and lasting insights emerge, providing leaps in personal development." I don't think that can be dismissed as "boring old-people sex." I can understand why at the moment you want to explore as many women and sexual experiences as possible, but be aware that the dehumanization of them as so many genitals, breasts, tight bodies, etc, also results in a diminishment of yourself (again, as a sexual person divorced from his emotional and spiritual side).
