Can I save my marriage?

[Ready2Change]

HELP! H CALLED TONIGHT AND STATED HE WANTS TO COME STAY AT THE HOUSE. HE CALLED ME AT THREE IN THE MORNING FOR NO REASON THEN TEXT ME IN THE MORNING ASKING IF HE CAN COME STAY AT HOME AGAIN CAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO STAY AT HIS SISTERS ANYMORE. NOT SURE WHAT THIS ALL MEANS. HE IS HOME NOW. IM NOT YET. WHAT DO I DO! HELP! I FEEL LIKE THIS IS HIS WAY OF COMING HOME AGAIN HE HIS JUST SCARED TO SAY IT.

Hi sweetie,

We are here for you. HUGS.

Your thoughts, words and actions are going to be very important right now. Your thoughts create your words and actions, so focus on the correct thoughts and everything will follow.

First thought to keep in your head.

"I am the prize. H will need to chase me. I will keep "Acting as if" because that is working. The other guys (even if they are only in your head) are treating me the way I deserve and H needs to show by his actions that he will treat me better. Until I see H showing lots of positive behavior, will I start to slowly open up to him.

Second thought to burn into your head:

I will listen to H, validate his words. I will delay my responses to him and get input from DBing group before responding.

"I can see why you would think that. I am not sure how I feel about that and will need time to think about that."

[TrentC]

It's been a couple of days.

How are things going?

[Lll54]

Well I dunno what to do. There has been no R talk. He pretty much moved into the spare room suitcase and all. He brought home every last thing he had at his sister's house. Full on back in our home. But won't man up and talk about it. Its weird.

Last night he took S3 to a hockey game, came home and my sister and I had our "t.v" night so we were just hanging out. He said he had to go over to his buddies for a bit and left. Didn't tell me why or how long he'l be or anything. I took this as chance to make a 180. I would normally have drilled him but I just smiled and said "have fun!" S3 has been quite happy daddy is home again and when he came upstairs only to find that daddy left he lost it. I couldn't get him to quit crying so we called H on cell. H said he'd be home soon and goodnight to S3. He was happy then, and went to bed.

1am, H comes home and comes to my room. He wakes me up and asks how the boys were tonight. I told him S3 got over it and went to bed good. He made the comment "ya poor guy thought daddy was leaving again." I said "yes he's a smart little boy"

We had some basic conversation then H slid into the bed to talk more. More basic conversation. While pillow talking he rubbed my arm and back. Then I said I was super tired so he took the hint and asked for a hug. So i gave him a hug, but laying down it turned into a cuddle. While cuddling he said " I could just sleep here, I'm so tired" Finally got out of bed and went to the spare.

Like am I crazy or is this weird. Does he really think he can just move home and then try to move in to the OUR room without talking about it? There is no way he is going to slide on into our bedroom again without a word.

Now that he's home, does he just want to be friends? And stay here cause he feels inconvenienced at his sister's? Or is it his way of coming home just to stubborn and too full of pride to talk about it? How long do I let this go on? And how long does he just come and go as he pleases without having to tell me a thing?

Also, when it would normally be my day to watch the kids do we keep with taking full responsibility, transporting to sports, getting a babysitter, etc when its my days? Or do we go back to normal and share those things now that he's home?

SO CONFUSED!!!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Like am I crazy or is this weird. Does he really think he can just move home and then try to move in to the OUR room without talking about it? There is no way he is going to slide on into our bedroom again without a word.

Well, based on how you've been handling it, Britt, I'd say -- as a man -- probably "yes," and "damn; no."

Good job on #2, btw. He hasn't earned you yet. Far from it.

Puppy

[TrentC]

Well I dunno what to do. There has been no R talk. He pretty much moved into the spare room suitcase and all. He brought home every last thing he had at his sister's house. Full on back in our home. But won't man up and talk about it. Its weird.

Give it time; look how far you're come in two months. (You should update your signature, it's several weeks out of date.)

Last night he took S3 to a hockey game, came home and my sister and I had our "t.v" night so we were just hanging out. He said he had to go over to his buddies for a bit and left. Didn't tell me why or how long he'l be or anything. I took this as chance to make a 180. I would normally have drilled him but I just smiled and said "have fun!" S3 has been quite happy daddy is home again and when he came upstairs only to find that daddy left he lost it. I couldn't get him to quit crying so we called H on cell. H said he'd be home soon and goodnight to S3. He was happy then, and went to bed.

I was going to say that calling H was a bad idea, but is was for your son's benefit so I think that was okay.

1am, H comes home and comes to my room. He wakes me up and asks how the boys were tonight. I told him S3 got over it and went to bed good. He made the comment "ya poor guy thought daddy was leaving again." I said "yes he's a smart little boy"

Hm, I woulda been a little more neutral than that. Or not said anything.

Like am I crazy or is this weird. Does he really think he can just move home and then try to move in to the OUR room without talking about it? There is no way he is going to slide on into our bedroom again without a word.

Good. It might not be a bad idea to set that boundary finally:

"I'm glad to have you home, but I don't want to make the situation more confusing for us, and especially the kids, right now. So until you've decided that you want to work on things, I would prefer that you stay out of my bedroom at night."

Now that he's home, does he just want to be friends? And stay here cause he feels inconvenienced at his sister's? Or is it his way of coming home just to stubborn and too full of pride to talk about it? How long do I let this go on? And how long does he just come and go as he pleases without having to tell me a thing?

Give it a little time -- the holidays are stressful enough as it is. (Of course, if he forces the issue in some way or another, take care of it then.)

SO CONFUSED!!!!

Just keep in mind where you were a month ago, and where you are now. Be patient, be understanding, and who knows where you will be in a month from now...

[ugetvince]

Brit,
I wish I had the progress youve made..Keep fighting the fight and dont settle..I realized thats what ive been doing for a long time.

[praying_in_GA]

Britt, you are such a strong woman. You have come so far in the weeks you have been here. I am so proud of how well you are handling his return home. I wish I had 1/10 the strength you did. Keep it up, keep him guessing, keep him pursuing....

I will continue to follow your thread to find inspiration for my own life.

[motherof3]

Brit,

I follow your sitch regularly, but rarely make any comments. I just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job holding your own. I am cheering for you from the sidelines.

How long do I let this go on? And how long does he just come and go as he pleases without having to tell me a thing?

Remember, you don't have to make any decisions overnight. Patience.

Mo3

[Ready2Change]

Like am I crazy or is this weird. Does he really think he can just move home and then try to move in to the OUR room without talking about it?

This is where a boundary is important.

When you....
I feel....
I want....

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" Has a LOVE LETTER TECHNIQUE. Have you read this book? Are you familiar with the Love letter idea? If not, I highly recommend

"There is no way he is going to slide on into our bedroom again without a word.

If I hear you, you want H to talk about things. What boundaries can you put in place?

Now that he's home, does he just want to be friends? And stay here cause he feels inconvenienced at his sister's? Or is it his way of coming home just to stubborn and too full of pride to talk about it? How long do I let this go on? And how long does he just come and go as he pleases without having to tell me a thing?

Do not mind read. As long as he is repectful of YOU boundaries, let him be him. Set boundaries when appropriate.

Also, when it would normally be my day to watch the kids do we keep with taking full responsibility, transporting to sports, getting a babysitter, etc when its my days? Or do we go back to normal and share those things now that he's home?

It is important to ballance the parenting responsibilities. It is also important to ballance "Self time".

[TrentC]

Brit,
I wish I had the progress youve made..Keep fighting the fight and dont settle..I realized thats what ive been doing for a long time.

Go back and look at britt's entire thread. She had a hard struggle to get to where she is now; I know, because I was one of the ones chucking 2x4s at her regularly.

But her story should show that if you can muster the strength to work the process, it can pay off for you. (There are no promises, because it ultimately lies with the wayward spouse to come back.)

P.S. Good job so far, britt. Keep doing what you're doing, and check in with us if you hit a rough spot. Remember, when in doubt, say "I don't know how I feel about that; let me think about it and get back to you".